Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

194 replies

Mum1361 · 11/10/2024 13:06

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 11/10/2024 13:10

How old is he? If you can't trust him it doesn't matter what job he does. It's your partner that's the problem not his job. Do you really want to live like this?

ShowerOfShites · 11/10/2024 13:11

Even if he worked from home I couldn't live like that.

I don't need to be worried about my partner cheating, to the point where I'm going through his phone and we're having couples counselling after only 3 years.

Do you really think you're going to grow old together without him cheating no matter what job he's in?

ilovesooty · 11/10/2024 13:12

If you don't trust him the relationship is probably heading for the rocks anyway.

Tohaveandtohold · 11/10/2024 13:13

You have a partner and relationship problem. This is nothing to do with the job. It’s your choice to stay with him, consider this the way you’ll live your life, always checking his phone, looking over your shoulder. It’s not a way to live

JustTalkToThem · 11/10/2024 13:14

Why are you nervous about the new job? He’s already shown you that he’s willing to cheat on you without access to girls in real life. His new job is the least of your worries.

also - lol to the pretty 18 year old coming onto HIM, instead of the other way around

Lissyy · 11/10/2024 13:16

He is disgusting. Presumably the same age as you with an interest in 18 year olds? Yeah that's absolutely fucking grim.

SUPerSaver721 · 11/10/2024 13:18

I bet he's not going to get many 18 year olds interested in an "old 34 year old" he's probably going to sleeze all over them and try it on. He sounds like a perv to me. Cut your losses and leave him, why put up with him?

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2024 13:23

Hes a cheating arsehole wherever he works but he will probably have more opportunities with his new job, which he will then lose
Its no way to live OP for you or your child

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 11/10/2024 13:24

Any particular reason you want to be in a relationship with this man?

He's a creepy lecherous twat who has already cheated on you and who you know you can't trust.

Surely you're better off going it alone.

Fluufer · 11/10/2024 13:26

God, the job is the least of your problems. He's a lech and you can't trust him. There's no relationship worth saving.

PippyPip · 11/10/2024 13:28

I think YABU to stay in a relationship with him.

izimbra · 11/10/2024 13:29

You should probably be worried is that he'll end up on a disciplinary for leching at young women. Colleges aren't tolerant of that shit any more. Then you'll be stuck raising your child on one income as well as having to be married to a lech.

Original poster
Mum1361 · 11/10/2024 13:30

Thanks for all the replies. He’s 36, which I feel is too old to be interested in women aged 18-20 but he says all men would be. When I discovered the online cheating he was fully transparent and allowed me access to everything, he was remorseful and wanted to do therapy to fix things. He had reasons which I don’t think excuses it but through therapy I was able to understand his viewpoint. From what I’ve seen he has never done anything like that since. But he does look at women online on social media and porn which he says is what all men do. His parents are on his side and saying I’m controlling and trying to ruin his new job hence why I’m unsure if my anxiety is unreasonable. I’m not expecting him to quit the job but he’s already had several female students adding him on Instagram and I just think it could so easily progress into more if one of them came onto him and he got caught up in the moment

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 11/10/2024 13:31

It isn’t the job you should be concerned about. Unfortunately, it looks as though he’s actively seeking opportunities to look at young girls. The fact that there will be even more of them around just gives him more opportunity.

Fluufer · 11/10/2024 13:32

Mum1361 · 11/10/2024 13:30

Thanks for all the replies. He’s 36, which I feel is too old to be interested in women aged 18-20 but he says all men would be. When I discovered the online cheating he was fully transparent and allowed me access to everything, he was remorseful and wanted to do therapy to fix things. He had reasons which I don’t think excuses it but through therapy I was able to understand his viewpoint. From what I’ve seen he has never done anything like that since. But he does look at women online on social media and porn which he says is what all men do. His parents are on his side and saying I’m controlling and trying to ruin his new job hence why I’m unsure if my anxiety is unreasonable. I’m not expecting him to quit the job but he’s already had several female students adding him on Instagram and I just think it could so easily progress into more if one of them came onto him and he got caught up in the moment

Truly, not all men follow teenagers on social media or watch teenage pornography routinely. That's not normal and it certainly isn't something you have to tolerate.

Lissyy · 11/10/2024 13:33

It's not the job you need to be concerned about. What 36 year old man needs to have an interest in someone who is just legal. Its fucking disgusting. People might watch porn, but going out of your way to only watch 18 year olds when you're much older than that is vile.

toomuchfaff · 11/10/2024 13:34

YABU to stay with someone you don't trust. Making yourself sick with paranoia and ruining your life with worry.

Why stay? Trust is gone.

BananaGrapeMelon · 11/10/2024 13:34

It's not the job that's the problem here. It's him.

pizzaHeart · 11/10/2024 13:36

I don’t think you are allowed to be friends/ follow your current students on SM.
I might be wrong of course

Mrsttcno1 · 11/10/2024 13:38

If the trust is gone then it’s time to go.

The job isn’t the problem.

toomuchfaff · 11/10/2024 13:38

His parents are on his side - well of course they will be, they are the ones who enabled him all his life and didn't create boundaries.

Of course not all 38 yr old look at teen porn, he's normalising it but many 38 yr old men would probably disagree with his stereotyping them. What makes it worse is that he works with this demographic? Yeah that's not a guy I'd want to be romantically involved with.

wizzywig · 11/10/2024 13:38

He'll end up being the creepy professor going out with his students

TerribleAtUsernames · 11/10/2024 13:40

I work in the education sector with students 16+ adding students on social media will be a breach of safeguarding policy and will be heavily frowned upon, I have some learners older than I am and the only place I can accept a request from them is on LinkedIn for networking purposes.

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2024 13:40

He is very sleazy and I wonder what type of therapy you have had to make you think its ok, its really not.
As for "all men" no, its not. The decent ones might have a crafty look at an attractive young woman but in a "shes attractive" way not "I want to shag her" way. Adding these yound women on SM is predatory and he will probably lose his job or worse - I wonder why he chose to work in that environment?

Mitherations · 11/10/2024 13:40

The job is not the problem. He was behaving in a problematic way for you when he didn't have the job.

You are not behaving unreasonably, he has behaved unreasonably in the past and this has not been repaired so you're back in the zone. He should absolutely not be adding students on Instagram, that's unprofessional at the least even without his dodgy history.

I think you're feeling the way you could expect anyone in your position to feel, but the underlying issue of trust needs sorting by him taking responsibility and driving the repair, not just telling you to get over it.