AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

[Mum1361]

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

There is absolutely no need for him to be adding these students on Instagram. I bet he wouldn't be adding any of the male students just because they share an interest in bands.

His job does not require him to be this 'friendly'.

He sounds misogynistic, sleazy and disgusting. Get rid before he wears down your self-esteem any further.

You can't trust him because no one could. As others have said, he's a creep. Sorry OP, I know that's probably hard to hear. But he isn't worth the stress you're feeling.

I imagine most of these young women will just see him as the "perv" from the cafe. But 100% if one showed an interest in him he'd jump at the chance.

Do you want to live like this forever? Even if he doesn't manage to ever physically cheat, do you want people looking at you in sympathy for being with a guy like that? Because other people do notice these things. If it's a self esteem issue then work on it. Raise your bar and realise your value. Which doesn't depend on you having the body of an 18yr old!

I don’t really see how you can ‘work through’ someone being a complete piece of shit.

I mean - literal rebuilding from the cellular level? Full organ replacement? Brain surgery?!

surely easier to chuck the low quality man in the bin and source a better one.

What makes you nervous about being able to cope with the upheaval of leaving OP? Emotionally or practically?

What is your current situation like in terms of help from him with the little one? If you do most of the work already practically you may find life isn't much harder. And emotionally in the longer term it will be easier because you won't have the stress and worry of what he's up to hanging over your head, though of course in the short term it will be a big change. You can do it - picture yourself this time in six months with evidence he's snagged one of these girls. How would you feel then? Upset, angry? Would it make it easier for you to leave him? Don't let him make you feel lesser just because he's a misogynistic wanker.

*shagged not snagged.

If he's employed by the college and they are students he is absolutely NOT allowed to add them on SM!

Sorry, I’m with everyone else. My fella is the same kind of age as yours and he isn’t interested in girls that age. I haven’t checked but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t follow any people that age on social media. They don’t come on his radar at all.

I am sure most men think that pretty young girls are attractive, but it is a fleeting
thought in their mind. The same as it would be for us if we saw an attractive young lad - you would register that he was attractive and get on with your day and not think about him again. But it wouldn’t be in a creepy way where you wanted to sleep with him. Just an acknowledgement.

I haven’t read all the thread- but he will be sacked if anyone at the college finds out he is on social media with students. It’s a massive no-no. So is any kind of social relationship and ESPECIALLY any romantic relationship. It’s a reportable breach of safeguarding and he will lose this job so fast his feet won’t touch the ground on the way out, if any colleagues or students raise it.

Furthermore it’s not normal or inevitable for men to sleaze over teenagers, or even to use porn. That’s a myth being used as an excuse to carry on some really unpleasant behaviour. I’m surprised your couples therapist didn’t call him out on those claims.

Going out on a limb to say that he doesn’t sound like the partner you want. I’d be tempted to throw him back, your life will be easier without this kind of worry.

This. He shouldn't be adding them on social media. That in itself is a red flag.

Boundaries have to be very strict in this type of work environment for good reason.

He's a middle aged man and he's perving on and pestering young women at their place of education. He is vile, you are not unreasonable, if anything you're being told that night is day to be finding this problematic. It is hugely problematic, even if he wasn't in a relationship with the mother of his children, from a stand alone perspective.

There is so much wrong with this, he is the owner of a middle aged mans body yet feels that he is entitled to the bodies of young women he sees around him and goes as far as to access their Instagram so he can pop them in the wank bank? He is thoroughly disgusting and you could not be expected to feel anything but contempt for him, never mind want to remain in a relationship with him.

Being friendly maybe, adding them on socials no. I would be VERY surprised if he has been told he’s allowed to do that. Remember Ian Huntley wasn’t a teacher or a TA, he was the caretaker, but that was the case which safeguarding now was made to consider when deciding what was ok for employees within the institution and service users.

Having been around a man like this, never my DP but married to a friend, his interest was in 16-18 year old girls in exactly the same way.
Then he started doing some lecturing at a Sixth Form college. You can guess the rest. One girl tried to commit suicide. The last one he ran off with.
While it is in not your problem technically, it is really distasteful for him to be connecting with these young girls on Instagram. His parents are fools if they think he has taken this job as a career choice. It is access to young women which is probably his motivation.
I am so sorry OP but the sooner you get away from this relationship the better. How would he feel if it was the other way around?
Whatever happens in his job is not your responsibility but I watched my friend disappear in every way being gaslit by a man who told her she was nuts whilst he was sleeping with his students. Oh, and he targeted the vulnerable ones who really just needed some kindness.

Get rid. He treats you like shit, and he's gross.

Seriously why are you with him? He's a leech who's after barely legal girls. How you could find a man like that appealing is beyond me.

It basically sounds like he's not to be trusted. All men do not behave like that - he's a sleaze end of.

Three years isn't that long really and given his continuing behaviour I'd bin him.

Just btw, if he sleazes over the students it won't go unnoticed. Safeguarding or not he'd better watch his step.

While his job is to be friendly, that doesn't mean his employer wants him to exchange social media info with clients. Naturally he isn't doing this with male clients, so he can't say it's part of the job. If anything, it could put customers off from coming back.

This is incredibly grim. You need to dump this PoS, and work on your self esteem.

He has a sexual fetish/addiction to very young slim women and it sounds like he is allowing himself to be ensnared in it fully. That would be a deal breaker for me. He is, at the very least, committing mental infidelity.

This.
Its not normal behaviour. Its disgusting.

Your DP sounds like a porn addled creep.

I feel very sorry for, and worried for, the women he is going to be working with.

Why on earth do you want to be in a relationship with some one who just views women as sex objects, and has no respect for you and your relationship?

You sound like you're defending him. Implying he won't be able to control himself when hot teen girls hurl themselves at him in a sexual frenzy?

He's a dirty old letch who cheats on his wife and he'll get sacked from the college and his career ruined if he acts like it's a real life dating platform. Rather than a professional place of education.

Dump the dirty sod and stop deluding yourself he'll change. He has no respect for you.

I may be cynical but it seems quite obvious to me he has deliberately got this job so he can be around young women who fit his criteria. The fact that he is already adding young women on social media tells you all you need to know. It is not typical for a man approaching middle age to want to befriend and socialise with 18 - 20 year old women unless he is sexually attracted to them.

Given his history and what you have been through, it is hugely disrespectful to do this.

As difficult as it may be, I think you should try and move on from this relationship.

If you don't think it's a genuine post, report it.

Oh op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. But honestly think about what you’re saying the man’s a creep, a letching cheating creep. And no not all men chase after teenagers, Jesus, you can’t seriously think that.

I’m sorry this is who you had a child with, that’s unfortunate. As yes he is going to cheat, first chance he can, and likely has done so already or been trying. That’s why you’re anxious, you know this deep down.

you can and should move on, it’s going to happen anyway. You should do it sooner rather than later, and try to avoid the pain he’s going to put you through.