AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

[Mum1361]

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

Yes, this. Every word of it.

This man is worthless.

7mths paternity leave? was this paid or just and excuse not to work? the more I read the more reasons come up for you to dump him

I said before I did understand his reasons for the online cheating. I was very difficult to live with while I was pregnant and that was his way of coping

You have serious self esteem / dignity issues OP. I don’t mean that horribly, I’ve been there too. But you are being a doormat. You went back to work 3 months after having DS and he had 7 months of paternity? He sounds awful.

It seems like you are just going to let him walk all over you and ignore everything mumsnet posters are writing, you will probably find out he cheated on you with an 18 year old and run back to him anyway.

Honestly OP. If my post triggered a nerve then that means you know it’s wrong and you know you deserve better. Please for your sake and for DS you need to leave and get some counselling for your esteem x

I do wish you all the best, I hope you see my post as tough love rather than rude

I earn a lot more than him so it wasn’t financially viable for me to take longer than 3 months maternity. He got statutory parental leave pay and we made up the deficit with savings. Now I have zero savings to pay for a deposit for a rental flat or anything. So even if I left I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I am aware I need to leave I’m just struggling to see a way out and I’m also quite heartbroken as I still love him despite everything and he has given me a beautiful son who means everything to me

adding to my post. My DH is 34. If he started adding 18 year old girls on social media and liking their posts that would be all it needed for me to divorce him. Some might think I’m crazy but the thought of a grown man liking and chatting up teenagers (and looking at them naked online) makes me feel sick.

Concentrate on your beautiful DS. He deserves a better role model.

Why would you be the one to leave, as opposed to kicking him out? If you outearn him by such a margin, he won’t even be able to afford the house.

As lots of posters have posted out, you clearly have issues with you self respect/self esteem. Is counselling something that’s available to you?

You're basically taking tonnes of shit from a garbage man, feeling guilty that you’re not happier about said tonnes of shit, making excuses for said tonnes of shit, financially supporting said tonnes of shit…and working yourself into a panic that said garbage man might take his shitty self elsewhere.

You think this is ‘love’. It’s not. Love is positive and kind, what’s happening to you is a crisis of mental health.

I still love him despite everything
You really need to open your eyes even more, there is nothing to love, he's a liar, cheat, user, disrespectful.
Get yourself therapy and work on your self esteem, you deserve way more than this.

I am not sure if therapy can change a person and their values. He obviously thought there is nothing wrong with that. Can therapy change that? He may be more considerate of your feelings and hide it better but on a big scheme of things not sure if he will
change.

if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist.

So you honestly don't think he would resist but that he would otherwise be faithful ? If you don't trust him, you don't trust him.

Sorry, but there it is. It really isn't the fault of the potential partners, it's him you need to be true to you ... or not.

The problem isn’t the job and it isn’t your insecurity. It’s him. He’s proven he can’t be trusted so you never will do. He should be able to work in any job without you worrying his type will be there and he’ll cheat.

He is creep.

Op, get some therapy. You are worth more than this.

Do you want to son to emulate his father's behaviour?

He sounds like a predator.

Cheating online, does that mean he's never physically met any of them?

And now he's got himself a job surrounded by, well, his fetish. He's probably thinking it's going to be the same same as online, whereas the reality is they'll see him for the creepy saddo he is,.and hopefully report him the minute he's inappropriate.

Get rid. He doesn't have a type, it's a fetish. These young girls are just objects to him.

It seems the cafe might not be part of the school campus though? Just nearby.

His parents have convinced him to leave me so I guess it’s out of my hands now. I feel so alone can someone please tell me this gets easier with time? I feel totally broken and defeated

So sorry op. He and his parents sound awful.i hope you can develope a sense of community around you but it takes time. Can you join a moms group? Try meeting people on weekends if he has the kids or do something where you can bring your son? Sending you a hug.

Hi honey

I messaged you earlier in your thread. Has he left?🌻

@Mum1361 it does get better. Really it does. You will quickly realise you won the prize getting out. Imagine a grown man who can't take responsibility for his own choices. Hiding behind his DM and DD is not very grown up. If you are really lucky he will leave you alone to get on with life with no interference. If I was you I would be having a chat to the police about his behaviour as this man is a walking red flag.

I feel so sad for you OP as such a decent person and you have been treated so badly.
Any man who is ‘persuaded’ to leave a relationship by his parents is a child. They sound like a toxic bunch.
At the moment you are on the floor because all of your confidence is lost and you feel like you have no agency.
I read a thread on here a couple of months ago called ‘blindsided by H’ - a lady married 40 years whose husband calmly told her he was leaving.
She was absolutely in bits.
Have just seen her new thread ‘no longer blindsided by H’ and I honestly applauded. Because of course the idiot is playing the victim, wanting another chance, the whole nine yards. The thread poster is now far too busy getting on with her life but it’s been very upsetting but she’s got through it.
You will too. The longer you are around this man the more your self esteem will erode. You will remain broken.
But with time, care and support and the company of people who actually care about you, you will be surprised at how enjoyable life can be when you can make your own decisions.
There are hundreds of posters on here who have left left and broken and I bet they will all say the same. Be gentle will yourself.