AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

[Mum1361]

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

All of these things: you were sick, needed care, didn’t feel good are reasons your partner should have taken care of you not complained, avoided, watched porn. You are so beaten down and depressed that you take full responsibility for his bad acts. Nonsense! A good partner loves you, and your stretch marks. He and his hideous family are absolute shits. You may find it hard to be strong for yourself and throw this bum out but you should. He is an absolute gold plated wanker.

He sounds like a loser and why are you with him? He's probably relishing in being in the company of young girls. Unless you've any evidence he likes underage girls there's not much you can do.

He's a gross individual. I'd be so embarrassed to have a partner in his 30s who leered over 18 year olds. Get rid.

Oh and his excuses are bullshit, I'm a lone parent and I know what true loneliness feels like, I don't go chatting and serving on 18 year olds online though.

*perving not serving.

Mmmm. No excuses. You had heart problems (serious) you are making a new life in your body in which he participated (true) you had sensory issues around pregnancy (fact that happens) and the father of your child acts like he is 12 years old looking at a 6th form girl. Lamb when you were a baby girl and you could tell her that is what she is going to have in her life a crap creepy man, who controls you and could potentially abuse her. What would you say. You need to meet the wee vulnerable girl inside you when you were little and tell her you are going to protect her from this. The wee girl is you.🌺

Lots of great support here but if you are not going to act on it do not complain any more honey. Accept it then.🌺

I said YABU- but not in relation to worrying about his new job- YABVU staying with this creepy loser who pervs on much younger women.

His parents think you’re being controlling and trying to ruin his new job? Cool.

Tell them you don’t pay attention to the opinions of people who raise creepy, vile pervy men.

If he is going to prey on women that age in an educational setting as an adult in a position of authority, then you've got more to worry about than his online porn type.

Firstly he is gaslighting you.
Decent men don't do this or watch porn and you are not being controlling, you are responding to what's going on.

He sounds like a sleezy lech, time to get your own situation in order and get some control back.

Do you work OP? Do you rent or own a house together?

I'm a university lecturer and think this is completely inappropriate. I let my Master students add me on Linkedin where I might share things like job announcements, but I'd never connect with my students on any other type of social media.

He needs to remember that even if he doesn't work as teaching staff, he's in a position of responsibility. He can be friendly, but befriending students is a big no.

Run.
Go back to therapy for some help with self love and raise your standards.

And 'not thinking you could compete with an 18 year old'

I mean this kindly but this guy is not a prize of any kind.

Everyone who works in an education setting even if they don't teach must also follow safeguarding rules which very clearly state that no social media contact with students.

This is such a basic concept for anyone in a settling like that and it's made exceptionally clear at the start of each year and whenever you start a new job - teaching or not - that this constitutes gross misconduct and can be an instantly sackable offence.

So he's being a total prick and risking his job.

His behaviour - plus his attitude towards you are such enormous red flags for being a sexual predator.

All that it needs is someone to phone the Head or the Designated Safeguarding Officer and tip them off as to this behaviour and telling them about his social media.........

If i were making the call I would also mention that he has a particular sexual taste for younger women PLUS his claims that it doesn't matter about his behaviour as he's "not a teacher"

If his role is anything to do with welfare, pastoral or security or which has any direct contact with young people whatsoever then the college team should be on it instantly.

Doesn't matter if the students are over 18 either.

He's fucking gross and shouldn't be anywhere near any kind of educational establishment.

Please seek help to remove yourself and your child far away from this creep before he gets arrested for grooming female students.

There has been so much solid advice from others in this thread. Please, please put as much distance as you can between you and him before it's too late.

You owe him nothing. You owe his parents nothing.

You owe yourself and your own child everything.

Yes I work, I’m the primary earner so I had to go back to work 3 months after I gave birth (and an couple of days after I discovered he’d been cheating) and he took 7 months paternity leave and has just started working again. We own the house together and I couldn’t afford it on my salary alone. We used savings to cover the time he was on leave so have no savings left now. His parents argument is that I shouldn’t be going through his phone which I do know is wrong but I never ever went through it before he cheated and I have been trying to work on my trust issues to get to a point where I don’t feel the need to check but this new job has thrown me off a bit and triggered a lot of feelings from the past. I want to give a balanced account here because I feel it’s easy to judge him as he’s the one who cheated but I am also not perfect. I guess I’m trying to figure out if he and his parents are right and I’m just being controlling or if I have good reason to be worried

Respectfully it is none of his parents business. I don't know why you would trust their opinion. They are supporting his cheating but not your reaction too it. You need to surround yourself with people who care about you OP. These people do not.
For now I would just boot him out and work out the logistics later

Christ he's done a number on you hasn't he. There is NO EXCUSE for what he has done. You were pregnant with his child, it's normal to be tired especially if you are working and in the hospital every day and not want to be out or intimate. Good men just understand that's part of the process and support you, not cheat and blame you for it. His parents are awful and it's none of their business. The job isn't the problem, he is.

What a sleazy creep.
trust me, few young women around that age are going to be interested in the guy in catering trying to sound cool and
‘ vibe’ with them, don’t care what T-shirt he’s got on.
You don’t trust, and he’s not respectful towards you. you can do better.

"Couples" counselling? Frankly, OP, you don't need this. Your man is a skeevy toerag and as long as he's allowed in your life you will be miserable ~ look down the years and years to come. This is as good as it gets. But there's a whole world out there which doesn't contain him and you can find your place in it. I wish you strength.

You don’t have ‘trust issues’ ! You have a DP who has proven himself untrustworthy!

Tell his parents to stop with the victim blaming. Tell them that they should feel embarassed to have brought up such a sleazy, untrustworthy, disloyal son and that you will not be taking advice from them.

There are a lot of “he says” in your posts OP. Stop taking his opinions as facts. It is not reasonable or normal for a 36 year old man to be chatting up 18-20 year old women and adding them to instagram. What is normal is for a pregnant woman to be a bit irritable and not want to be touched, and most decent men acknowledge the significant impact on their partner of going through the huge physical challenge of carrying their child, and don't use it as an excuse to cheat.

He sounds disgusting, please don't saddle yourself with this pig for the rest of your life

He works in the canteen and he was leering at college students who had band t shirts on and started talking to them and suggested connecting on media.

omg he's the leech, he's the creepy old dude in the canteen.

he sounds like a real catch. That combined with his misogynistic views of old women being saggy after 20.

He says why would he want to watch a saggy old woman in porn and that younger women have better bodies.

How can you possibly, possibly be attracted to or respect this disgusting creep? Seriously, OP, get some self respect - borrow some from the women here until you learn that this is not normal, and not how anyone should expect to be treated.

You deserve better. Even if you were the worst person alive (which you're not), you would deserve better. Please set a higher bar.