AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

[Mum1361]

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

Yikes how the fuck have these college girls already added him on Instagram? Why is he swapping Instagram details with students ? why is he giving out his Instagram details? Are photos of you and baby on his Instagram? I would go so far as to report that.

I had a partner who constantly cheated on me wherever he worked he would take customers numbers and strike up relationships with them on social media and they would speak on the phone. They had No idea about me when I confronted them
It was a horrible horrible time each job he got he was surrounded by men of a similar personality to him who knew about it and I’m sure they were doing the same
It’s a horrible nasty anxious way to live I would get rid of him. It doesn’t matter where he works. He will come into contact with people in all walks of life and in all types of jobs. Most 18-year-olds wouldn’t want a man like him his age anyway would they? Why should you have to live like this if you can’t trust him then what is the point . imagine living on the edge all the time of anxiety to know if your partner who you supposedly Dotan it’s going to cheat on you and look at other women? If he’s doing this van. He has already checked out of your relationship. I would have a long hard candy chat with him I decide where you go from here . He won’t Change

This

bin him off, he sounds vile. Pity you have a permanent tie to him, but you’d still be better off without him.

He is not in a teaching position or any position related directly to students so he’s allowed to have them on social media. And to be clear he looks at women over 18 as well, but the oldest he seems to watch are very early 20s. He says why would he want to watch a saggy old woman in porn and that younger women have better bodies. I went to take him lunch at work and there were just so many girls of the exact type that he clearly fancies and who are so obviously more attractive than I am. Then when I saw some of them had added him on Instagram it just made me feel so anxious. He says he’s not interested in them and he’s doing nothing wrong and I don’t think he has done anything more than maybe flirting but it’s more the worry of what he might do if he gets tempted.

If you don’t trust him, then it doesn’t really matter where he works. Do you want to be with a man who disrespects women like this? He’s disrespecting you by lying to you, not all men do this, you don’t need to live like this.

Ask yourself honestly, is this the type of man you would want your child to grow up to be, or the type of man you would want them to be in a relationship with? This lack of respect for women is not just him watching porn, it’s seeping out of him by gaslighting you into thinking this is normal. Is this the fatherly role model you want for your children? If so crack on, if not get rid.

He is gross, why would he discuss his porn use with his wife?

Your bar is low to tolerate this person.

The job is a red herring. If you are planning to be together for a long time, he will have opportunity to cheat at some point with someone who is 'his type'. You clearly think he won't be able to resist

His job isn't the issue, as everyone else has said. You don't trust him, and you're obviously quite right not to. This is no way to live, OP. In your shoes I would end it, and focus on maintaining an amicable co-parenting relationship.

And stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to women younger than you - not everybody younger than you is more attractive than you. Why are you even putting up with this?

How old is he? If he is a similar age to you I would be a but grossed put by adding teenagers on Instagram

Also I think his comments on women's bodies would put me off in general...how can you bear to get naked infront of someone who thinks anyone over 25 has a 'saggy old body that he wouldn't want to look at'?

So essentially you are worried he won’t abuse his power and influence to groom young women?
I think you know what you must do here.

I despair of the way society groom women to put up with this shite.

His mother is just as bad. Dismissing you and agreeing with the misogynistic crap of 'all men do it'.

This is the problem with continuing a relationship after cheating to be honest.

If you stay with a person then you are agreeing to forgive them, work on things, and continue. If you do that, you cannot always throw their past behaviours back at them. It’s not fair or healthy to punish someone forever over their mistakes and this is where therapy can be invaluable. If you stay after cheating then it needs to be because you believe and trust it was an isolated thing and you are willing to move past it, you can’t throw it back in their faces forever.

It’s INCREDIBLY difficult to forgive and move on, build trust etc after cheating though. Which is why the majority of people either 1) leave immediately or 2) trod on for months/years festering in anxiety, worry, arguments about every little thing, every late night, every secretive phone call, every “work trip”, every “night out”, checking texts and emails and call logs until they have become such an unhealthy toxic partner themselves that the relationship ends anyway.

Anyone who would speak about women so disrespectfully is highly unlikely to be respectful of a wife in my opinion. I wouldn't be worried about one of the students making a move on him, I'd be worried about him making a move on them. If there's no trust there's no relationship. Sorry 😭

Your last sentence rather indicates that you don't think he has any responsibility for or control over his behaviour.

Hi

This is awful. I would be really worried if my daughter was at that college. There are safeguarding rules allowed "interaction" with students. It sounds like those a being broken already. No not all men look at 18 - 20 year old girls , online, college, school etc. You really need to look at your own life. Is this really what you want honey? I would leave before he ends up on the Sex Offender Register.

Yes, this. You do realise those young women will probably view him as a saggy old man at his age?

But that's not the point. His attitude is destroying your mind. Please, leave him and move on.

He sounds absolutely disgusting. Definitely not the case that all men seek out teen porn- he has a very low opinion of his own sex. Also many universities now ban relationships between staff and students, because they're almost always exploitative and inappropriate. The fact that it would even cross your mind that he'd use a job working with students as a chance to cheat tells you all you need to know. Just end it.

This man is a predator. He may be "allowed" to befriend 18 year olds from work, follow them on social media and watch them in porn, but why the fuck does he want to. Gross.

Why are you still together ? Just leave. You can't trust him

what he might do if he gets tempted it would all be the fault of those seductive 18 year old girls then?

Im also curious how he's met so many students if he isn't working with them directly.

Yes I feel incredibly self conscious about my body since all of this. I’ve lost a lot of weight from stress so I’m not overweight but I’m still aware I have stretch marks and saggy skin and a c section scar etc that the women he looks at online don’t have.

Why are you already potentially blaming the students and minimising his responsibility?

He has a catering job and it’s not inside the college building it’s next to it so all the students go there in their breaks. He says it’s part of the job to be friendly and chat to the students and a couple of them had band t shirts on for a band he likes so he said they should connect on Instagram