AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

[Mum1361]

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

He is certainly not a good partner, that's absolutely clear. I don't know what type of couples' counselling you went to, it it clearly wasn't good if it has convinced you that it was your fault he was cheating online.
It's also given him a reason for doing it and has probably allowed him to believe his behaviour is justified. It isn't.
It sounds like you could do with some counselling on your own to boost your self esteem. But do that after you've left the disgusting shit.

he is really a very good partner and dad apart from this and as I said before I did understand his reasons for the online cheating. I was very difficult to live with while I was pregnant and that was his way of coping.

Fucking hell OP he has really done a number on you. I really hope you take on board some of the comments in this thread and get yourself away from this little turd.

If your partner is your age there should be no 'competition' at all between you and an 18 year old, as a man of his age shouldn't be interested in teen girls in the first place. I very much doubt you have reason to fear these young women will be queuing for his attentions. However that's almost by the by. Its the fact you think he'll be interested that's the worry. You make him sound like a real creep OP. Are you sure your best chance of happiness lies in this relationship?

Please dump this guy, he sounds like a waste of time and space.

FCS, get some self respect and LTB, he is a creep.

Letching over young girls 🤮 he will cheat on you again and again.

You are plainly wrong when you say you can understand his reasons for the past cheating. Would you understand if your friend cheated while her husband was going through a hard time medically and things were hard for both of them? Would that be the reaction you’d excuse if it was your friends, family?
Wake up OP, that’s nonsense you are only willing to believe because it is heart braking to see the truth of what this ‘partner’ is like.

I was very snappy and moody. Did not want to be touched and I was really sensitive to smells so didn’t want him near me really. I also used to get upset when he went out with friends as I struggled to cope on my own. I had heart problems and had to be in hospital every day for monitoring but I know it’s not an excuse for not wanting him to go out with his friends. So I do understand why he went online and chatted to others. He probably felt very lonely and unloved during that time so was seeking some kind of comfort. I’m not excusing cheating but just for context as to why I stayed. I do believe he actually thinks adding them on Instagram is normal and no big deal I don’t think he did it purposely to hurt me but that doesn’t make me any less anxious. I think a big part of my anxiety is that I don’t feel he is attracted to me anymore and therefore I’ll always assume he’s going to be looking for something better or more his “type”

36? Urgh. There are so many red flags, what are you doing with him?

You need to seek some therapy. You seem to have zero self confidence or self respect if you think all of these thing excuse cheating.

if your standards are this low, he knows it and he’ll do it again.

All men don't

@Mum1361 He's done a real number on you

He's horrible

As soon as they say you are controlling in response to your reasonable request it is time to get out. He is not willing to change. How his parents ever got involved in discussions about his cheating or porn use is beyond me. This is between you and him. You don't like it - end of. Otherwise you are going to punish yourself for years and years over this worthless man. You know it doesn't have to be like this. You do deserve better and so do your DC.

You have very low standards.

You are excusing his behaviour and have zero trust in him.

I think your relationship is over, you just need to acknowledge it.

You know most women are moody, sensitive to smells etc during pregnancy? And the heart thing was even more reason he should have been looking after you, not looking for fun elsewhere.

It sounds like you have some real self-esteem issues if he's persuaded you that any of this is your fault. The only thing you did wrong is staying with him in the first place!

He's really not a good partner, dad or frankly, person. He's pretty grim and I bet the 18 year olds at the college don't think he's "funny and chatty", they think he's that perve in the canteen who creeps over all the girls.

Leaving your partner, even if he's a pig, is a huge step even if you haven't got a little baby to take care of, so maybe just start making your plans now. You're back at work, that's a good thing - what about going for a promotion or looking for something better paid, to get as much money stashed away as you can? What's your support network like, are house prices / rents round your way affordable? Think carefully about how you COULD manage on your own.

Can't believe some of this that I'm reading the guy is a complete sleaze and doesn't even try to hide it from you. If you stay with him he will continue this until your self esteem is unnecessarily on the floor.

What a miserable existence you have.... constantly worrying about him letching over teenagers like a perve.

I really feel for you, that you have to reframe it in your head that they would go after him.... just so it makes you accept that he is a revolting, perverted, cheating ... and so stay with him.

If he works in education he shouldn't be on his students Instagram. He is putting himself in an extremely vulnerable position. His employer would take a very dim view. That aside why on earth are you still with him? He cheated on you when you were pregnant with his child? How on earth has his behaviour become so normalised to you? And his parents for that matter.

Exactly 💯

He's not a good partner. He's a selfish git who doesn't deserve you. And you deserve much better than this absolute joke of a 'man'

Do you have any kind of support around you? Friends, family , a trusted person you could talk to? You need support. You need to see this from a different angle as you are not seeing it for what it is as you are so down on yourself. Please reach out to someone in real life.🌸Imagine if you had a daughter and she was saying this about a partner. What would you tell her?

I don’t have a support network. I guess that’s partly why I’ve stayed with him. I’m not in touch with my parents and the only family I really see is my cousin who I go for coffee with sometimes. I’m quite introverted so I don’t have any close friends just acquaintances. I feel very lonely in all this because my partner is the person I go to for support but obviously I can’t get support from him in this matter

Hey honey

Why don't you see your parents? Do you have any brothers or sisters or just your cousin?

Hi again. When you were in therapy what were the "reasons" he felt he needed to look at and interact with young girls even though he is 36? You said you understood why he did it because of these reasons? Can you clarify them?

I did say in a previous comment but I was very snappy and moody during pregnancy. I was sensitive to smells and felt really sick all the time so I didn’t want him near me but I also used to get upset when he went out with friends. Maybe I felt jealous that my life had changed so much and his life was just the same. I had heart problems so had to be in hospital every day and I guess I just wasn’t very pleasant to be around so he needed to seek attention elsewhere as a coping mechanism

He sounds like a lecherous creep.