AIBU to be anxious about partners new job

[Mum1361]

My partner of 3 years has a history of cheating online. After I had our DS I found out he’d been messaging and video calling women online throughout my pregnancy. We had therapy and tried to work through it. During this time I trawled through his internet history as I needed to know everything he’d done. I discovered he has a “type” of women he was interested in and interacting with, generally slim young women aged 18-22 with a “geeky” look. Since the cheating I’ve periodically checked his phone and found he also looks at these kind of women on social media and porn. We are 9 months on and he just got himself a job at a college where he is surrounded by women of the exact age and appearance he has been seeking out online. I am so anxious that he will cheat on me with someone he meets there. He says I’m being unreasonable, am I? I just feel if an 18 year old woman of his exact type comes onto him, it will be too much temptation for him to resist. I am 34 and can’t compete with an 18 year old in terms of physical appearance

It’s students at campus. He’s fine on this score and it quite frankly isn’t the issue at hand.

What a sleaze - hopefully the young women are laughing at him behind his back, but in any case, please just dump.

This relationship is doomed.

You’re never going to trust him fully and you’re going to spend the rest of your life paranoid and anxious about where he is and what he’s doing.

Of course he will cheat on you given half a chance - he already did and spends his time perving at women online. He sound like a waste of space.

I'm assuming if you didn't have a DC together you'd have been well shot of him when you first found out about the cheating.

My thoughts exactly. You don’t need this stress in your life.

A nearly 40 year old being interested in 18 year olds is revolting.

I couldn’t imagine being attracted to or having anything remotely in common with an 18yr old at 36. They’ve only just turned an adult!

What a disgusting pervert he is;why are you with him?

My heart goes out to you OP. It's so stressful having a young baby and working. Look after yourself, and when you feel stronger make plans to leave. This man will never make you happy. You are worth more than this life.

I agree. A lot of young women, and young people in general, can also be very vulnerable. Attention or validation from someone they look up to is something that might be comforting to them. To seek this young women out - because it is the vulnerable ones who fall for it, the strong ones will see him for what he is - is really, really appalling. Sadly, the young girls presented to this man via porn aren’t ’up for it’ either - usually damaged young girls, exploited, abused, trafficked.
As for the all men argument - whatever men think it maybe someone catches their attention for a moment, most choose not to act on it.
They act like fully formed adults.

I was about to say it sounds like you need to just trust him but the fact they’ve already started following him on social media means he’s allowing this and has already crossed a line. He can’t be trusted!

@Mum1361 theres no point me beating around the bush here, you need to pull yourself together, hold your chin up and leave. Your partner is a sleeze bag. You’ll be writing a mumsnet post in 3 months time that he’s just cheated on you with a 19 year old.

You have put up with way too much. You are better than this.

Look at DS and remind yourself who you are being strong for. Do you want him growing up knowing mummy let daddy cheat on her multiple times? And that’s it’s okay because she stayed?

Do not feel guilty or that you have “broken” your family. Your partner did that.

Best of luck

100%. Couldn’t have put it better myself.

I am not saying anything negative about age gap relationships as some do work, but when one party is so so young it’s different.

I really wish the men who do this (and women if the other way round) would just leave them alone to enjoy dating and having fun in their own age range

He is very personable and chatty so I do feel that some young women would be interested or flattered by his attention. He is into metal music and stuff which it seems these girls are also into. I just feel so low right now. I just so wish he wasn’t doing it but obviously no matter how much I wish he wouldn’t, he is still going to. And even if he does shag someone I quite possibly would never find out which is eating me up inside. I know it seems he’s an awful person from my post but he is really a very good partner and dad apart from this and as I said before I did understand his reasons for the online cheating. I was very difficult to live with while I was pregnant and that was his way of coping.

He is not a good partner….a good partner does not cheat.

raise your standards.

You’ve forgiven him for cheating once, but it’s now clear you’re going to have to decide how many more times you will be willing to forgive.

As others have said, he’s a pig and sounds predatory.

He is also emotionally abusive. It’s not normal or ok to tell you about his sexual attractions outside your relationship. Of course we’re all occasionally attracted to people other than our partner, but unless agreed as a mutually arousing thing it’s not ok to go on at length about it to your partner.

No he isn't OP. He's already cheated and good partners don't do that. Good Dads don't treat their children's mother this way either. I think it would be worth talking to your go about your anxiety and also ask for talking therapies as a starting point. The fact you are willing to defend him and accuse him at the same time is worrying. You need some support OP.

I'm getting the feeling this is a wind up...

Just read your latest comment. Christ, it is horrible that he has has somehow convinced you that his cheating was justified because you were a 'nightmare' during pregnancy.

He is not a good partner.

His comments about young women v older women would be enough to put me off him for life.

Even if he doesn't cheat again, it is creepy as fuck for him to be following students from his workplace on Instagram. There's no need. They aren't friends or colleagues or peers. You know why he has followed them. It's not because of their shared music tastes.

I believe that people can change. I do think that cheaters do tend to cheat again, but not always. So if the only issue was cheating, you could maybe overcome that. But his whole attitude is disgusting, and I don't think that is something that will change.

You have to decide whether you want to put up with the worry of whether he'll cheat again (which seems to be a worry you'll have regardless of where he works). Or you leave him.

What's his excuse now? He's breaching your trust by actively seeking out these young women on Instagram and adding them or accepting them. He's making no strides to reassure you but actually doubling down it's ok for him to add them. You deserve better, there's no excuse for his cheating- you were growing his child. Also who cares what his parents say, they should be happy enough to put him up when you dump him next time.

No he is not a good partner and dad and how you were in pregnancy didn't excuse or justify his behaviour. What sort of couples therapy did you have?

He sounds disgusting. Most 36 year old men don't prefer 18 year olds ffs, or even if they do they know better than to add them on Instagram and flirt with them. Only just adults. He is vile.

Your self esteem is on the floor because he has breached your trust in a big way and he's feeding you nonsense. I suspect your self esteem would improve massively if you ditched him. You don't deserve to feel so badly about yourself and certainly not because some disgusting man is trying to make it sound OK that he perves on 18 year olds.

He is a gross creep and the fact he thinks it's ok to letch over students puts him in a major danger category fir me.

Ye will probably end up being arrested at some point op ...sadly common path for me who watch teen porn

He says why would he want to watch a saggy old woman in porn and that younger women have better bodies.

Nice blokes don't speak about women like this op. They just don't.

If he speaks about women like this to your face, I dread to think what he says about them when you aren't listening.

Also when I was 18 the only kind of men in their 30s who would have wanted to connect with 18 year old girls on social media because of a shared interest in a band were creeps. And they still are.

I bet the girls are cringing while he thinks they've had a great chat.

Don't you want more from your one, precious life than being in a relationship with a man who has somehow by cheating convinced you that he is the prize?

He's not fundamentally respectful of women. If he was then he wouldn't speak about them the way he has done.

And I bet you anything that if an 18-20 year old bloke has a t shirt with his favourite band on, he hasn't asked them to connect on Instagram.

Funny that.