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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL used my baby name

284 replies

Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:28

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

OP posts:
teatoast8 · 10/10/2024 23:30

It's fair to be hurt, but we don't own names, and she didn't know

Pandasnacks · 10/10/2024 23:30

How often have you reminded her it's your name? She is not U to use it at all, but that doesn't necessarily mean YABU to feel upset with everything you are going through.

TheFairyCaravan · 10/10/2024 23:32

Sorry but YABU. It’s understandable that you’re upset but she’s not unreasonable to use a name that no one owns

GrettaGreen · 10/10/2024 23:33

Is it a family name or is your husband the only person in the family with that name somewhere in it?

PepaWepa · 10/10/2024 23:34

Did she know? If she knew and didn't ask first if you'd mind, that's out of order, regardless of "not owning names".

Original poster
Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:35

Thanks for replies. My DH is the only person in family with this name

OP posts:
Laszlomydarling · 10/10/2024 23:36

My child has my brother's middle name as a first name. Was i supposed to ask his partner before I used it? No. It's a name. You're also free to use it.

I'm sure your partner will be proud to have a nephew and maybe one day a son who both share his name.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 10/10/2024 23:36

You aren't unreasonable to be hurt, but I'm not sure it is fair to blame her. Using her brother's middle name is likely to be for good reasons rather than nastiness. For example, if the name is a family one (on either side), or because she wants to honour her brother and doesn't know you'd picked it.

Boltonb · 10/10/2024 23:36

Is the name a family name, hence it being your DP’s middle name?

Moveoverdarlin · 10/10/2024 23:36

It’s not a random name that you fancied and she got in first. It’s her brother’s middle name. I have three brothers and all of them have middle names that mean something - they’re family names. She probably feels more entitled to use it than you.

BarbaraHoward · 10/10/2024 23:37

If she definitely knew then that's so mean of her. I know the official MN line is that no one owns a name, but I don't always agree with that.

If she didn't know or could conceivably forgotten, then obviously she's grand but I'm really sorry for you OP, I'm sure it stung. Flowers

JC03745 · 10/10/2024 23:37

Did she even know you'd claimed/wanted to use the specific name?

Marblesbackagain · 10/10/2024 23:37

Regardless of how rare it is, she is fully entitled to honour her brother or just like the name.

Original poster
Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:38

I don’t think for a moment she has done it out of nastiness! Of course they just like the name. But considering it’s my DH’s only middle name, and what we have been going through, I am hurt they have used it

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 10/10/2024 23:38

Oh is it the one name? Sorry I thought you were referring to a first and middle combo. I think using her brother's middle name is fair enough really, sorry.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 10/10/2024 23:38

She (and her partner) might just like the name. I love DSis2's middle name and my BIL wanted my middle name for their child (but they had a boy so couldn't).

JemimaTiggywinkles · 10/10/2024 23:41

Did they know you'd wanted to use it?

Spagettifunction · 10/10/2024 23:42

Did she know ? So sorry for your losses op 💐💐💐💐💐

SunnyValemin · 10/10/2024 23:42

You've not really answered what people are asking - did she know you wanted to use it?

Original poster
Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:47

I didn’t say about the name, no. But in our family it’s a tradition that boys take their dad’s second names (lots of examples of it). They did the same with DC1

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 10/10/2024 23:48

Keep with tradition and still use the name. Nothing stopping you and it won't impact the children

Chucklit · 10/10/2024 23:48

I’m sorry it's been so hurtful, I do understand where you're coming from. But don’t let a middle name pull you down. In my family, my 3 cousins (male and female) had 3 middle names each. Two transitioned and don't have any of the names they were given. Me and my siblings were given 1 middle name each. Two of us have changed our names by deed poll getting rid of the first name, middle name and last name. We were in our mid 20s when we did this. Any name doesn't always stick when the child becomes an adult.
My 12 year old DD is saddled with the surname of her "Dad" who dropped off the edge of the world five years ago after years of issues and she can't change it legally to mine until she turns 16. But the school address her by her "known as" name which is my surname.
I’m telling you all of this to point out that a name isn't always cut and dry. It's variable.

Laszlomydarling · 10/10/2024 23:49

Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:47

I didn’t say about the name, no. But in our family it’s a tradition that boys take their dad’s second names (lots of examples of it). They did the same with DC1

You can still do that if you have a child.

Pleatherandlace · 10/10/2024 23:49

so Did they use the baby’s Dads middle name for the first child and your husbands (the baby’s uncles) middle name for the second child?

Original poster
Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:51

Pleatherandlace · 10/10/2024 23:49

so Did they use the baby’s Dads middle name for the first child and your husbands (the baby’s uncles) middle name for the second child?

Yes that’s right

OP posts:
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