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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL used my baby name

284 replies

Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:28

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

OP posts:
PreggersWithBaby2 · 11/10/2024 07:10

Does she actually know it's your DPs middle name? Coz I have not got a bloody clue what my brother's middle name is!

I still think YABU though. Nobody owns a name, surely it's first come first serve on who gets dibs.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 11/10/2024 07:11

Honestly this obsession over baby names is ridiculous.

So there might be two cousins in the same family with the same name. And? It’s a name. The only person who will care is you. And there’s every chance you won’t have a baby of that sex and be able to use the name, or you might decide at the last minute as I did that you would prefer another name.

I understand to a degree that you’re irrationally upset because of your situation, but expecting someone not to use a name because it might, one day, be given to what is as yet a hypothetical child is ridiculous.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 11/10/2024 07:11

I think it is perfectly reasonable to be sad as you are mourning the life that you want. There is nothing she has done wrong, so hurt is a stretch. She didn't know you wanted to use the name and it is a family name. There was no malice. You can still use it in future too, if you have a boy. I do hope that pregnancy works out for you.

Craftysue · 11/10/2024 07:14

My son and his cousin both have my husband's name as their middle name. The cousin is older and my husband took it as a compliment that they used his name.
I'm sorry for your losses and wish you all the best x

LuluBlakey1 · 11/10/2024 07:19

Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:47

I didn’t say about the name, no. But in our family it’s a tradition that boys take their dad’s second names (lots of examples of it). They did the same with DC1

Can you use it as a second name ? It's not the end of the world.

Sethera · 11/10/2024 07:21

Your son having the same name as his cousin won't matter at all. Even in the unlikely event they end up lifelong friends, spending lots of time together, you wouldn't think anything of it if he had the same name as a close friend who wasn't a relative. And in my experience most people don't spend much time with their cousins beyond the stage when they're children who go everywhere their parents go. Possibly I'm unusual but I haven't seen mine since my grandad's funeral 25 years ago.

BirthdayRainbow · 11/10/2024 07:22

I voted YANBU to feel hurt. Only someone with a heart of stone could think you weren't. She's had the one thing you are longing for and then used the name that you want to call your son. If she knew that was your hope then she's been very unkind to do so without discussing with you. If she didn't know then that's better as not malicious or unfeeling.

I hope you do have a child and I would still use the name.

Original poster
Elle989898 · 11/10/2024 07:24

Thanks for replies. In response to qus:

  • My DH is upset about it. And he’s a very reasonable person! He’s shocked that of all the names they could have chosen, they chose his (only) middle name
  • everyone is right that I shouldn’t talk just about SIL, her DP of course involved in decision too! Only phrased it that way to be brief
  • to be clear it’s my DH’s middle name being used as the baby’s first name
  • I agree it wouldn’t matter at all if we weren’t close but we do lots together as a family. I would now feel awkward using the name, if and when we had a son, as people would say ‘hang on that’s so and so’s name! No one wants a name choice to be awkward
  • Yes they know about our losses and difficulties
  • I have been nice about the new arrival! Made a gift and been enthusiastic about photos. I really was thrilled about the new baby, it is just the name that has thrown me off. I don’t think this is displaced grief over my losses

If the boot was on the other foot and I had 1 living child already and was having my second, and I knew my brother + his wife had had a difficult time with infertility + losses, and it is family tradition to use dad’s middle name for baby… I would use any other name but my poor brother’s middle name! I know now too that they were tossing up several names, while with the tradition we’ve been set on this one for years 😢

OP posts:
BabyCloud · 11/10/2024 07:26

It’s her brothers name, I think it’s sweet that she wanted to use to for a middle name.

A baby in our family has the same middle name as my dad and brother - they were thrilled.

OCDmama · 11/10/2024 07:27

You're being ridiculous. She used her brother's middle name? For her second son? That's it?

What if you don't even have a boy, just daughters? You're misplacing your grief here. While it's understandable you do need to get some perspective.

NetZeroZealot · 11/10/2024 07:29

Plenty of cousins in my family share the same ‘family’ name. This is not unusual, and it’s a normal name.

Swissvisa · 11/10/2024 07:30

I said YABU then changed to YANBU when I read your updates. No one owns a name but given its tradition in the family to use Dads middle name as a first name and they did so for their first baby, it seems very thoughtless to use your DH middle name when they know you’re trying to conceive.

Honestly, I would still use the name in future, they can’t claim it anymore than you could.

Londonrach1 · 11/10/2024 07:32

Yabu I'm afraid. You don't own the name.

TheKeatingFive · 11/10/2024 07:33

You don't own the name. You can still use the name. YABU.

Turnups · 11/10/2024 07:34

Elle989898 · 10/10/2024 23:47

I didn’t say about the name, no. But in our family it’s a tradition that boys take their dad’s second names (lots of examples of it). They did the same with DC1

I can understand why, after your tragedies, you feel raw, but YABU. When you say that is the tradition in "our" family, I take it you mean your husband's family. Your SIL followed her husband's family tradition for her first child, but for the second perhaps felt it was reasonable to just choose a name she liked. Or perhaps she and her DH are trying to show sympathy and respect to your DH. You could still use that name if you wanted to.

But why are you blaming SIL but not her husband?

PreggersWithBaby2 · 11/10/2024 07:36

if and when we had a son

But you can't say when you have a son... You have no idea what you will have. Plenty of couples with children have daughters only. So are they supposed to not use a name they also like incase you have a son?

Sending all the luck and best wishes for you on your tough journey, but YABU for this imo. If the name really means that much to you, just use it still. I know plenty of first cousins with the same name!

lateatwork · 11/10/2024 07:39

YANBU

As it's tradition to take father's middle name and use for first born son, and they knew you are TTC, it's hurtful.

I would tell them now ' well you do know if we conceive a boy our children will have the same first name! ' and see if it bothers them enough to rethink.

No one owns a name- true. So I'd make it clear to them that there will be two boys in the family with the same first name.

Wolfpa · 11/10/2024 07:43

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt but your SIL is not unreasonable for using the name. Just because you have been given a name doesn’t mean that you own it and no one else can use it.

you can still use the name if you have a boy, it’s a middle name no one will think anything of it.

BlackButter · 11/10/2024 07:45

@Elle989898 i completely get why you are upset. They’re done this as they think you’ll never have kids and they wanted to keep the tradition alive. Very mis guided and hurtful. If you still want to make you child (that I hope you get) after your DH then do so. It’s on your SIL and DP to explain why they used it not you to to others

NameChange30 · 11/10/2024 07:46

hyperkid · 11/10/2024 00:57

Perhaps I misunderstand, but with your update on the naming tradition, it could be assumed by her that you would use that name for your own child? If the boys in your families are usually named after their dad's middle names?

So by her using your husband's, it is as if she is implying that a baby would never happen for you guys and that the name is therefore free to use?

If so, then yes, she is being really insensitive, and should have asked first.

This

lateatwork · 11/10/2024 07:51

As this is a tradition, I think what they have done makes it thoughtless - as they would know what your first born son would be called without any discussion. It's not like hankering after the name James- and then SIL calls their 2nd son James.

Why sil and husband would do this? I don't know. My over active mind would run down a rabbit hole and think ...because they think we will never have a child so they can take the name.

Snowpaw · 11/10/2024 07:51

Its a bit of a blow, but I honestly wouldn't stress too much over it. Before my DD was born I was adamant I wanted to name her something to do with a deceased relative. And then when she arrived I just felt completely different. She was brand new and unique - I wanted to call her something that was completely her own and nothing to do with a nod to anyone else. She had no name for a few days and then we decided on something completely different that neither of us had thought of before. I am glad that I waited until she was born before naming, and I love her name.

Stowickthevast · 11/10/2024 07:52

I don't think they're doing it because they think you'll never have children - that's a ridiculous leap!

Perhaps they just really like the name and want to use it. Although you would use the name if you had a boy, the facts are you may never have one. We would have used DH's unusual middle name if we'd have had boys, it was top of our list, but we had girls. I would have been fine if SIL used it.

sharpclawedkitten · 11/10/2024 07:52

Why did SIL use the name? Did your brother not get a say?

It's not that unusual to have names repeated in families. You could still use it as a second name.

sharpclawedkitten · 11/10/2024 07:53

PreggersWithBaby2 · 11/10/2024 07:10

Does she actually know it's your DPs middle name? Coz I have not got a bloody clue what my brother's middle name is!

I still think YABU though. Nobody owns a name, surely it's first come first serve on who gets dibs.

I think so. And I do know what my brother-in-law's middle name is but I don't think I necessarily knew before ds was born (and we wouldn't have used it anyway because it's hideous).