SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

Anyway, half of the women in my family are named after the same relative so all share a name/middle name. I like it

Normally I'd agree that it can be hurtful even if most people on here say you can't own a name but in this context I don't think SIL has a fault. She used her brother's middle name and probably had no idea you wanted that name but I suppose she could've asked? Completely understand why you are sad though

@Elle989898 Does she know of your stuggles?
In a weird way does she think she's honoring her DB?
My partner has the same name as a cousin. His dad never fell out with his older brother. At family event they are referred to as big, little and now tiny too, as cousin has named his son the same name.
My own DD and her cousin have very similar sounding names, they don't get confused.

Thanks for replies. Yes, she does know of our losses and the long time we’ve spent TTC

You can still use the name. My family is full of people with the same names, it's really common and traditional in many places. I hope you get to use the name one day too.

I fully understand why the idea of having a baby in the family with the name you pictured using is upsetting when you're struggling to conceive.

But I don't think your SIL has done anything wrong. She didn't know you planned to use the name and naming children after close relatives is very common. I think your grief and worry about TTC is being misdirected at your SIL.

There's also absolutely nothing wrong with cousins sharing a name. I have a few instances of that in my family, plus several who married someone with the same name as a sibling or cousin (including my own name). It's even less of an issue than having a classmates with the same name was as a kid.

Kindly, YABU

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and hope you soon have a successful pregnancy x

@Elle989898 My son has same name as my brother.
It's not a problem to have people in same family with same name. 🙂

There are also a gazillion ''James'' about from 1980's.

I have cousins with the same first name. They have different surnames which helps. My dad has lots and lots of cousins with the same names, and some even with the same surname. It has never caused an issue, no one has ever throught twice about it. They were all just named after grandparents. You can use the name too! I do understand that you are sad though. Just another shit moment and possibly doesn't feel as though it will be as special. But we called our number 2 the same name as dh friend number 1 as we just loved the name. We did send a message first and reply was yes certainly go for it, just shows we both have good taste. It didn't detract from how special it was announcing our number 2 name and now it is very much their name, same as it will be for you. I am not sure what your name is but you can maybe use full name and then use a nn if you did want it to be different.

Also, @Elle989898 When you do have a baby who survives {Hopefully this will happen soon} The baby may be a different sex to the name you chose- or, looking at him or her, you might think ''This baby suits a different name''.
🙏 👍

She can call her child whatever she likes. It wasn’t your name.

The 1980s?
I work with about 10 James and most are in their 20s to 30s
🤣

I'm still slightly confused

Is it that your husband is named Roger David and your chosen baby name was going to be Jonathan Roger?

And she's named her child Jonathan Roger? Or she's named her child Samuel Roger? Or Samuel David?

Because if the only "chosen baby name" used it to use the Roger part then YADBU because it's literally just using her brother's name as a middle name, which is mostly irrelevant anyway (although I know a few people who go by their middle names not their first names)

I have the same middle name as several women in my family, it's used as a tribute across them

Kindly, of course you are BU, especially if she didn’t know this was your chosen name. You might not have any children, it’s nice that the name is in the family.

Really sorry to hear of your fertility struggles. Kindly, I think you couldn’t have expected SIL to know that you hoped to use the name without saying so, and she probably used it kindly to honour her brother.

Perhaps I misunderstand, but with your update on the naming tradition, it could be assumed by her that you would use that name for your own child? If the boys in your families are usually named after their dad's middle names?

So by her using your husband's, it is as if she is implying that a baby would never happen for you guys and that the name is therefore free to use?

If so, then yes, she is being really insensitive, and should have asked first.

BTW, really hope things work out for you. Have you been seen by a recurring miscarriage clinic already for further investigation?

It's her family tradition too and her own brother. Why on Earth wouldn't you see it coming and why shouldn't she (and her DH 'cause he has a say too) use it? If you really like it then use it also when the time comes.

I don't think she has done anything wrong but I can understand why you're upset. @LisaJohnsonsFacebookMole put it better than I was about to. It's her family tradition too.

If you’d already had a baby that you’d used this name for do you think you would be as upset?

Names are not taken, they are shared and the personality of the name holder combines with the name to make it very special and unique to each person.

When you have your first baby, and if it’s a boy you will still be able to continue this tradition and it won’t be any less special because he already has a namesake cousin. It might even be a very sweet cousin bond.

I hate these name-stealing situations. Never divulge your intended name. Never. That way you avoid stealing accusations and it's just chance if the name gets used, so much easier to deal with as it's not personal against you.

OP had not told her SIL her planned name.