SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

The family tradition is the kicker, here. Clearly she is well aware of it as they used it to name their first child, and also that the two of you are trying for a family and would have wanted to use that name for a future child.

So yes. You both have every right to be annoyed. Them choosing the name is cruel.

I really hope your DH has a word with them about this. They should explain their reasoning, at the very least.

Such a mn post you do not own a name lol

I wonder, did she know it was your wanted name? I have a son, let's call him Tom and my brother has a son, let's call him Bob. My SIL with another brother then had twins after and called the twins Tom and Bob which I thought was super weird. I also later was accused of using another SIL name but I didn't have a clue about. If she didn't know, of course it's OK to have feelings about it but no one did anything malicious. If she did know, and knowing you had miscarriages then that is a B move.

YABU Nobody owns a name.

This is very unkind of them, however I suspect this is just the tone deaf behaviour of people who have never experienced loss or infertility and they were probably thinking they were being kind honouring your partner in case you never have a chance to do it yourselves. It's totally thoughtless and they should have checked with you first knowing that's the tradition.

Good luck on your journey

Have read the first and last pages, but not the whole thread......... sorry, but you are BU...... there's absolutely no guarantee that you will ever have a son : you could have four girls!

I think it’s nice they (not just your SIL) have named the baby after her brother in some way.

I don’t believe that names should be reserved for a baby that might not even be born - you could end up with all girls and this might be a completely moot point.

I can see why it’s really difficult for you to deal with but I do think YABU and it won’t take long before you can’t see your beautiful nephew as having any other name.

Hi op,

First of all, I am sorry for your losses. I am sorry that you have to see another woman doing exactly what you want to be doing and have to feel she also got to use the name you wanted coz she did first. It is and will always be hurtful to you and nothing can change that.

Our dreams of motherhood or lack of, can hurt us so deeply. But, your SIL is JUST the person you can have a go at. She isn’t the reason why you are so hurt. The name isn’t either. You are grieving. And the fact you might not be able to use this name makes it even more real.

Please be gentle with you. You are ok to be angry. You are ok to be sad. You are ok to not want to see SIL and her babe. Do whatever you need to. You are grieving. Anybody saying anything and tell them that. You are grieving and you will feel better about it all when you will. End of.

Get some help if needed. Find peace 🌺

I accidentally did the same thing when my eldest was born. I didn't know that my BIL and wife had chosen the same name, it was a name she had wanted for years. We hadn't made it common knowledge our choices and wasn't till after she was born and named that I found out how upset my SIL was.

So get you , so sorry for you, my own brother did this , then blamed his partner,
very unusual name my end , but he changed one letter ! I pleaded with him not to do this .
but …..
the rest was horrible, my father with dementia changed his will as a consequence in his confusion.
end story I no longer need such things in my life , horrible shit

This is only a disgrace if she KNEW your favoured name and decided to use it anyway. Either way, cross the name bridge when you come to it. There's an few obstacles prior to that nirvana

YABU

This makes zero sense.
You can be upset inwardly for your losses, that’s understandable and I’m sorry.
But to be angry at your SIL is bitter and unnecessary.
As someone who had a lot of issues with fertility, my advice now is to stiop with this bitterness. It honestly won’t help. Go find a better name.

When your baby arrives that may not be its name, you know.

There is no reason why you cannot use the name in the future. No one owns a name and it’s not unusual for families to have a name repeated in different ‘branches’ of the family tree.

Jesus, that’s a bit blunt.

Totally agree. I see we’re in a minority though. They themselves have followed a tradition with their first child of giving the child the father’s middle name. Then with their 2nd used the name OP would have used if she and DP had followed the same tradition. It’s thoughtless at best.

I’m sorry OP, it must really sting.

I don’t see the problem. My son has my Dad’s name but so does his cousin. My dad and his cousin also had the same name. Nothing to get upset about. You can still use the name x

What an insensitive post. I don’t see any ‘drama’, just grief and hurt.

And yes, I’m guessing the OP has experienced enough to tell her that life isn’t as straightforward as to give her a child of a particular sex. Miscarriage has a knack of doing that.

Quote fail. It was the poster who said ‘what a drama over a name’. Pages ago and I now can’t find it, dammit.

I think it's difficult since you haven't had any children yet and maybe (as awful as it sounds) they think you might not have any. She should have spoken to your brother to ask whether you plan to use the name of you have children but it's just a name and you'll have to make a decision when you have your own child (and I hope you do)

Patrick Kane and Patrick Kelly are two different names.

My uncle ( mum’s brother) had a daughter and named her Natasha. I was born 18 months later and mum gave me the same name. No issues at all. My cousin and I love that we have the same name. I think it would be just fine for you to keep your husbands name too.

I don’t get the angst over names, in my culture if you like a name , you chose it. Even if grandpa, pa, son and nephew are all the same… and they often are. It’s an honour not a slight.

@Elle989898 honestly I wouldn’t be upset about this! My mums sister had a baby and gave her my mothers middle name…. My mum then had my older sister and called her (middle name) after my aunt….. years later I came along and I also have my mothers name as my middle. So me and my first cousin both share the name middle name…. Not only that but out first names rhyme… so we are Sharon jacqueline and Karen jacqueline…. It’s never impacted on our lives as cousins as we aren’t introduced using our middle names…..
my older brother is Michael John after my dad John…. And my little brothers middle name is also John…. My dads brother then also called his son something John…. It honestly isn’t an issue… my other cousin & his wife have just 2 daughters … both have the same middle name….
in your position I wouldn’t discuss your name choices with anyone and when you do have a son you just announce that his name is XXX & husbands middle name’…. And if anyone says ‘oh same as SIL’s baby name’…. You just say ‘yeah, we wanted a family name and doesn’t matter how many times it’s used!