SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

Nothing stopping you from using the name too. As you said it’s a family tradition to name the child the father’s middle name. If they moan then make it clear that she’s the one who broke the tradition by using the name in the first place.

Just use the name? My mum has 2 cousins with her name, 1 with her sister's name and 3 with her brother's name. They are family names and no one has a monopoly on it. The children will have their own pals and be their own people so it will not affect them one jot that their cousin has their name.

If the name is something like James, which is a lovely name that lots of people use, you can't expect anyone else not to use it. If the name is something that is quite unusual, that most people wouldn't even think of, such as Percival, then it's a bit odd for her to choose it.
I must admit I find traditions like that a bit odd in modern times, when there are so many names you could choose. Would you have used a name you didn't like, just because it's what they do in your husband's family?

Nobody will say "hang on that's his cousin's name". And you might do loads together but you will find if you have a child that your circle grows and you'll do loads with families with kids that age totally unconnected to your in laws. It is sad that your husband has been upset by a lovely compliment of having his nephew named after him. He should feel only joy at that.

This would be a case of having the same first name. So op might say: “ This is my son, Nigel , and my nephew Nigel.” Or grandparents might say: “ These are our grandsons, Nigel and Nigel.”

I can't really see what stops you from using the name for a ds in the future. I simply don't see the issue with two boys in the family having the same name.

When our DS was born we called him x. Our best friends had a boy after us. Just before the christening my best friend told me that x had been their favourite name but because we had used it, they chose something else 18 months later. I'd have been flattered rather than cross and felt really sad that they felt they couldn't use their favourite name.

I hope you get a little boy or girl soon and feel able to call them exactly what yiu want to.

Baby loss is really hard. Next week is the Miscarriage Association's Baby Loss week and on 15th October candles will be lit all over the country for our lost babies. I hope some on this thread will light one for you.

I think this is what it comes down to op.

Changed my mind having read your updates that it’s DHs Family tradition that children take some form of their father’s middle name. SIL & BIL knew that and effectively made it so that if and when you have a PFB, that your family can’t follow your DHs family tradition. Not cool. Can see why your DH is upset also.

I’m really sorry for your losses.

I wonder if they meant well, SIL wanted her son to be named after her brother?

Is the name something that can be shorted like Matthew/Matt, James/Jamie, Oliver/Ollie? If so you could go for the shortened version!

FWIW my nephew has the same name as my son, they are both now grown up and always loved having the same name. Obviously it was sometimes confusing and they often got called by their first and middle names but they loved it.

But I also think, op, you actually CAN just follow it. The Nigel and Nigel business will be of their making not yours, and your son will have the stronger connection with his Dad.

Anyway, I’m sorry it has rubbed in the hurt of miscarriage and I can understand how that must feel.

OP in my DHs family there are a lot of boys across siblings/cousins. They all have a mish mash of each others names 😂 nobody cared and it has never caused a problem AFAIK, they all suit the name(s). There are (say) 2 Michael johns, a John Michael, a john (something), a Michael (something) etc…

I have six male cousins, one has the first name (say) John. The other five have it as a middle name.

So whilst I get the upset, it’s really common in our extended family at least. And it’s not a name they picked and used out of the blue, it’s a family name.

I think it’s really cruel if there’s a tradition of boys being named their dad’s middle name in the family. Perhaps in some warped way they thought your DH would like it? But I agree, taking into account your losses (which they are aware of) I really think this was a misstep and incredibly unfair. I actually do think your DH should talk to his brother to try and understand the thinking behind it otherwise it will fester and become a sore point for many years to come.

I'm really sorry about your baby losses. That is really hard.

But the name thing is unreasonable I'm afraid. Your SIL has used her brother's middle name. That is a very lovely and completely natural thing to do. Lot's of people chose family names when naming their baby. She obviously loves the name and her brother. She may or may not be aware that you were considering that name. It is unlikely that she knows you feel so emotionally invested in the name.

x

My SIL gave her son my DH middle name full well knowing we would be using it as every 1st born son of a male in the family has the same middle name. Our DS still has that middle name and I know she did it to spite me! Oh well! Have nothing to do with her anymore. But it does hurt! Her son has a different surname so it's not the same.

Just to add, like the poster above we also have multiples of certain names in our family. Never ever been an issue.

YADNU to feel upset. Your DH especially, as he wants to pass his name to a future son as per tradition. If they are normally caring/nice people, I would try to reframe my feelings from 'hurt' to upset, and consider that people frequently do thoughtless things, without meaning to hurt, at these sort of times. Wishing you both luck for the future 🍀

Sorry now.... you are annoyed because somebody used a middle name you also wanted to use as a middle name???? Good grief!

Every 1st born son of a male has that middle name. Yes, I was upset because my SIL is not a male and knew we would use it for our DS! I don't care about the name, I care that she did that to hurt me. She's a nasty piece of work and has done lots to me over the years. So it's an accumulation of her work lol. My son still has the middle name and the surname to go with it. She doesn't even have the same surname as her child so it just makes me laugh now!

I think that’s a horrible thing for them to do in the context of your losses and given the family tradition.

And no the fact that it’s ‘her brother’s’ name carries no weight - I can’t understand people going on about ‘wanting to honour’ and being all family-focused as if that’s a good reason… no, if she felt strongly about family and tradition and respecting her brother, then they would have automatically thought ‘Oh no, I’d never do that to brother and SIL, that will obviously be the naming tradition they follow in THEIR family and I don’t want to look as if I’m dismissing that’.

I wouldn’t blame your DH for saying something to his sister. If I were him I would be really unhappy with it.

Initially I thought YABU on the basis that you hadn't told them (and they're not mind readers).

However, the tradition changes that. Assuming this is a well established family tradition, and that blood Uncle/Aunt aren't a part of it, then I think this is bad form. They know that you're trying to conceive and that there is a 50/50 change of you having a boy. So they have in effect used 'your' name because tradition states that you would call your child that name, if they were a boy. The fact you have had miscarriages makes this very insensitive IMO.

I'm sorry for your losses.

YANBU
im usually very relaxed about names but this situation is very different. She basically implies that you won’t have your own baby boy so your DH’s middle name can be used by her. It’s very insensitive and rude.
I think your DH should tell her how it looks and how he feels.

Wish you luck and hope for good news for you soon. And when they come - do what you like about the.name, don’t listen anyone, apart from your DH of course.

I get that it hurts esp with your history, but you don't own a name.
My SIL gave her daughter my daughters middle name as a middle name too (its a family name). My daughter was stillborn. It hurts but I get it as its a family name. I also understand I do not own a name.

I was going to say YABU, but when you updated about tradition I think YANBU.

Dick move from SIL and her partner, especially knowing your situation.

I do hope it works out for you and would still use the name if you want to.

It was a middle name of her DH which by tradition would have been used as op’s baby’s first name. It was also used as a first name.

eta I see now you were meaning a different poster. I agree middle name use is quite different . I know a family of four brothers who all had their grandfather’s name Henry as a middle name , except the eldest who had it as his first name. Father also had it as a middle name .

You can still use it , I have cousins who have the same names , no one cares . I understand why you feel the way you do , you are seeing your sil with what you'd love to have , a baby. It's so hard to watch people having babies while you are grieving the loss of your own .