SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

It’s babies middle name. Use it anyway. I was careful to mention my favorite girl name with sil and be clear I’d use it no matter what, as I would have, and she would have gotten upset about it, so she needed to know if she had Rebecca, and I had a girl, Rebecca would have a cousin Rebecca, which has happened several times in my family with no issues, and I wasn’t going to change my mind just because she had used it. (Rebecca is not the name)

It really does not matter. When you have your own kid and hopefully that will be soon, you can call them anything you like, including this name.

We have a DS who has the same name as one of his cousins. We literally never see them as we live far away and no one cares that they share this name.

What if you have a girl?

If the names important to you the say it was... years ago. If you had told them it's what you're using and why, do you think they would have used it. No one names a child just to annoy/squash someone else. If you are bothered then you need to say so no one else even considers that name nice enough to steal

You can still use it. They won't be surprised.

You can and should still use the name. I have a cousin with the same name as me... we are both named after the same grandmother. My son has the same name as one of his cousins (named after the same grandfather). My daughter has the same name as two of her cousins (all named after the same grandmother). Everyone has family nicknames to identify each one from the next. It's endearing and brings us closer.

I would just use my favourite name the middle name and then a third just because I could.
My kids have 3-6 names each not counting their surnames.

Since neither you nor your partner actually said you'd decided on the name, I would think that any justified annoyance would be at your BIL (new baby's dad/your partner's brother) as he would know the tradition within his family of using the dad's middle name for a baby boy and the level of significance attached to that. Even if SIL is aware of it, I wouldn't expect her to object to using the baby's uncle's middle name as a first name since BIL was apparently fine with it.

I’m sorry this has been so hard for you.

Im sure if your SIL is decent she would never have meant to upset you. And you can always use the name if you still want to when you get to bring a baby home. It can be a sweet bond between the cousins.

I'm sorry to hear of your fertility struggles, but I really don't see why you cannot still use the name when you (hopefully) get the opportunity in the future.

The name hasn't been taken from you. It's still there.

This comes up so often... no one owns a name, my oldest two cousins, Michael, were born within a year, no one died & my family still speak with each other

I would never in a million years check with anyone else before using my brother's middle name (or any other name!). I also wouldn't be bothered if my child had the same name as their younger cousin. You can still use the name if the opportunity arises ;)

Maybe look at it from another view. She could have used his middle name as a way of trying to honor him in his nephews life as someone super important to him and in her own way try and alleviate some pain of the losses all be it in a way that isn't what you two wanted.

I'm very sorry for the hard time you are having. Have been there myself. But maybe look at it this way. My dad was a great uncle so numerous cousins are named for him. Some as a first name some as a middle name. My sibling used his name as a middle name for her 5 sons. I would have but I have a girl. Now there are great grand children and guess what they have his name as a middle name. It didn't make it less special I promise. if anything I think it makes it more special.

I don’t understand the problem? Just name the child after your dh!

She maybe thought she would be insensitive to ask given that you have had sad losses. Sorry OP but she was reasonable to use her brothers name but it's understandably difficult for you.

So the family tradition is that the baby takes his father’s middle name as their first name which she did with DC1. Then if you also followed the tradition it would be expected that your child will be called DS’s middle name which is what she has named DC2? If so then I think she has been insensitive. There are thousands of other nice names she could have called him none of which would be a reminder of your much wanted child. YANBU.

Wishing you all the best in the future with TTC.

I think you're projecting your pain around baby loss and conception difficulties onto your sister in law. I don't doubt that it's very painful for you, I know the pain myself, but she's entitled to name her baby as she chooses.

Whilst a name is a name and anyone can use it, did you ask your brother first? Maybe he wanted his child to have that name, and now it’s weird for him to do that.

No you didn’t have to ask him or his parter, but I would have.

If it's family tradition, personally I would just do it anyway.

My family is a culture where the absolute norm is that the eldest son of the eldest son is named after the baby's grandfather. But lots of other people also use the name as a sign of respect and nothing is thought of it.

I think name ownership in families causes utterly pointless heartache.

I don't think you should feel at all awkward about it, and if trouble is made simply say that was always the plan, and just as it never occurred to them to ask your permission, vice versa.

Good luck with your fertility journey. I was in your shoes. Just horrific. Many years later I have three beautiful children. I hope your dreams are answered too.

I agree op. If she knew you liked the name it’s a bit heartless. If it’s an innocent mistake, I don’t think you are BU, but equally neither is she.

I might think differently if it was the baby’s uncle’s first name: I think that essentially “belongs” to her brother to use his own first name for his own son and she would be overstepping regardless .

All that aside, I wish you great positive vibes on you ttc journey and hope to see you back here on a “can’t choose a baby name” thread soon - perhaps even for a little girl which will sidestep the awkwardness anyway.

Deep down - and it’s completely understandable - I think some of the hurt will be that they are having a baby at all. That feels like something people ttc have to suppress ( and yet I’ve known so many to feel that way) and I suspect some of your upset around the name might be a transferred pain, as it were - something you feel you are “ entitled” to feel hurt about. Just allow yourself feelings op - and this is a great place to share them.

If it’s family tradition that the baby takes the father’s middle name then yes, under the circumstances, this is very insensitive. I hope you have your own baby and carry on the tradition if that’s what you choose to do.

I'm not sure why you only point the finger at your SIL and not also her DH?

That aside, you've said they didn't know so of course YABU. But then again they could have thought their decision through given they had used the husbands middle name for the first baby.

Just use the name when your time comes. No one owns a name. I'm sorry you're having a shit time OP.

I'm sorry for your losses. In the circumstances I don't think you should hesitate to use the name yourself if the opportunity comes along and you still want to.

I believe they’ve named their child (the equivalent in your example) “David”