SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

Also think how many people in the royal family have used the names Diana or Elizabeth or Phillip as middle names recently…. All cousins and all very much in the public eye…. No one has said ‘OMG fancy William and Harry both giving their daughters Diana as a middle name…. Or omg fancy so and so using Phillip when their cousin/sister or brother already used it…… just use your husbands middle name as your sons middle name and don’t worry about it.
when we were struggling to conceive we were set on James for a boy after a beloved family member … my husbands cousin then used it as a middle name for their son and he was gutted….but was ok when I said we’d still use it as a first name… we never had a boy in the end.. and only ever we’re blessed with one child (a girl) she had the names I wanted and I wouldn’t have been put off using my middle name as hers just because someone else had…. We now have 4 Jacqueline’s over 3 generations (my mums first name - the other 3 as middle names)

It may just be a bit thoughtless, since you all seem to be close family; in our culture it is a compliment to use any name associated with a relative for a newborn.

hopefully you will be blessed with a healthy baby soon, and you should use your preferred name, or the same name for the opposite sex if appropriate. Trust that your child will have the perfect name for him or her as they will be perfect in themselves.

So you have discussed this in the past with your SIL telling her that if you had a boy it would be blah and she has named her baby blah? If you hadn’t it’s a bit of a leap to think she knew this.

You’re not unreasonable to upset but unfortunately we can’t have dibs on names.

This has recently happened to me and it floored me. It was a total coincidence as well because I’ve never shared the name with anyone, but it’s an unusual name*, so it was really shocking!

**Less than 20 born each year. 😳

How you feel is how you feel, yanbu in that sense.

Blaming your SIL only is not on though and saying you did it to be brief when you could have just as easily put BIL or BIL & SIL in the title and proceeded to mainly mention SIL is unreasonable.

You’ve said SIL hasn’t been nasty to you so it could just as easily be that your BIL, your husband’s brother, wanted to honour him and following the tradition of their side as they did with their first child.

There is also no reason that you still can’t use the same name.

It is not strange or weird at all to have family members with the same name and unless this name is really, really rare, your child may have the same as someone in their class that they will see more than their cousin despite your closeness to them.

Fully understandable that you feel so sensitive about this OP, it must feel very brutal, in the face of your difficulties and loss.

I don’t think SIL has done a terrible thing per se, she didn’t know, and it didn’t come up in conversation.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel hurt.

I wish you all the luck in the world as you go forward…. and if you have a baby girl the name is irrelevant, a baby boy.. any baby… and the baby, not the name, will be the only thing that matters. I keep my fingers crossed for you.

I'm so sorry this has happened, I can utterly understand why you and your husband are upset. I'm sure your SIL did not intend to hurt you, but I do find this a bit insensitive of them. Having said that, the only thing you can do is try to find a way forward from this (as you are) and comes to terms. You've got enough on your shoulders with ttc, without carrying further upset and stresses. I really wish you well on this.

My only suggestion is maybe trying to find a variation of the name that you like, i.e. mark/marcus/marco/marek john/jean/sean, etc. Or try finding a completely different name (maybe from your family?) and use your chosen name as the middle name. Take care & best of luck.

Sad as it is they r free to use whatever name they want.

I’m a fellow miscarriage-haver with no living children — it’s just the truth.