SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

I’d normally say just go for it anyway and she couldnt have known, but the established family tradition changes things. I think she’s been really insensitive. At best, incredibly thoughtless.

She’s already had the opportunity to follow the tradition by naming a child after her husband. She would have known that you would want to the same if you ever had a son. She could’ve chosen her own dads name, her husband’s dads name or any of the other billion boy names out there.

it would (rightly or wrongly) also make me feel as though she doesn’t think we’ll be successful in the future so was giving her brother a chance to be honoured as it might not work out for you two.

Very sorry for your losses and hope you get the family you are hoping for one day. If you do have a son it will still be so special for him to have his fathers name and will carry a different meaning than with his nephew. Best of luck.

But the tradition is to use the baby’s father’s name, not the uncle’s.

No wonder you’re confused! That’s a mightily confusing way if setting it out!

In short, the new baby has the coveted name as his first name that he will use day to day and be known as.

In families where it's common (I hesitate to use "tradition" because I think these things usually aren't actually formalized) to name babies after relatives, it's also common to have multiple people in the extended family with a particular name (either first or middle). My paternal grandfather's middle name is my father's first name and two of my cousin's middle names, and 3 of my cousins and one of my siblings have given that name to their own children as either a first or middle name. My Grandmother has a double first name and it was used in part or whole at least 4 times in the next two generations. There's just less feeling of sole ownership I think. On the other hand one of my cousins named a child a non-family name that her youngest sister had repeatedly expressed a love for and it was a thing.

I'd love to hear what OP's husband thinks of his new nephew having his middle name. It's his name, his sister, and his family tradition after all.

Prior to this I thought you were unreasonable but this changes it. They should left it for you.

Do you think you could have worded that better given the OP has said she has no living children?

We can't help how we feel so YANBU to feel upset/ disappointed but she is also NBU to use the name, especially given you hadn't disclosed it to her.

I think that there is something particularly hurtful about the use of your dream baby name. It is easy for people to say that it’s just a name and you don’t own a name. But it hurts at a deep level. And maybe that is unreasonable, but I get it, op.

You're right, it was badly worded, sorry for being insensitive @Elle989898

So the SIL named the baby? Does baby not have a dad who also helped to name it? why is it all the SIL's fault?

(I think sil didn't do anything wrong btw. So much drama about nothing)

It's a family name
She didn't know
You might only have girls
You don't own a name
You can still use it

All the reasons why YABU

Yanbu op. She should have asked. Regardless if she just likes the name, it's your DH's name and he, as you do, might want to give it to HIS child. She should have discussed with you first.

Many cousins have the same middle name (if that’s what you mean), i’m sure she just thought it would be nice to name her son after her brother. I can see why you’re hurt but i don’t think she shouldn't have used it as no reason you cant too if you have a son.

So long as you don't put the responsibility of that hurt onto your sil it's ok to feel secretly put out.
She didn't know your name plan...and couldn't have assumed it.

One of those things.

I'm sorry for your losses but you are being so unfair and unreasonable

There is no guarantee you'd have a boy when I really hope you do have a baby

And the name belongs to her brothers not yours

Do they know you want children? I wonder if they thought they were honoring your brother by giving their second child HIS name- sort of carrying on the tradition so he had a child in the family named after him still.

i can understand your hurt but i feel really sad that your SIL might have meant this as a lovely thing and that she will have no idea of how you feel.

Oh I can see why you are so hurt if they have taken what should be your tradition. I'm sorry for your losses, OP.

Sad through the situation is, nobody owns a name and nothing has been stolen from you.

My father was a junior. So my grandfather had the same name. None of my aunts and uncles used the name for their kids and my dad only had girls. My cousins sons of my aunt were close to grandpa but since my dad had the same name they stayed clear of using the name thinking we would. I had a son after infertility finally adopted and we didn’t want to do family names. My aunt was sure the baby would be my husband or father’s name. They were quite confused as he just passed before we got him. But my sister was having kids already, so far girls but pregnant again during this time and I thought she may use it or call the baby after the husband. It was another girl. Still my aunt’s 2 sons managed to honor our grandfather by including his last name as a middle, and a nickname they had for him as a first name for another baby boy. The creativity was amazing how they managed to give our grandfather a nod when they named their kids without using my dad’s name. The name would not fit our son. And didn’t seem fair to my husband’s side. You just don’t do family names if you don’t have a likelihood of doing names on both sides. The point is you may never have that gender, like my sister and may not have that gender if you are blessed with a baby yourself. So why can’t another use the name? I kind of wish someone had. Or checked if we were thinking of it so they could have taken the name. Our grandpa died younger so only the 4 of us really knew him. The other cousins didn’t really have a memory of him. Isn’t it more important that someone carried on the name? Does it really matter who? There are so many names. I know you are disappointed but you are disappointed over a phantom. He is an uncle of a baby with that name. You actually have a lot more freedom pick a name. That can be exciting.

I have the same first and middle name as my cousin. The middle name is both our mother’s first names so IMO acceptable but the first name isn’t a family name and not common either.

good job we didn’t grow up around each other and are 9 years apart, it’s weird.

Did she know that you would eventually use this name for your own child? If so, it's selfish of her. When I was pregnant, I had a name picked out for my DD and had told everyone the name I was going to use as it was a variation of my late nans name. My auntie bought a puppy and decided to use my baby name for the puppy! To say I was livid was an understatement!

What does your DH think @Elle989898 ?

It wouldn't occur to me to check whether my brother planned to use his own middle name as a first name for a child. I've never known anyone to do that, I'd probably assume my brother's names were the only ones they definitely wouldn't choose! Especially since you say they're a family who don't reuse names for sentimental reasons.

That's batshit and cruel

When you have a bub it may not be the same gender. But if you do just use the name. They can have different nicknames if necessary, lots of boys in my family have the same name. How many times a year would the cousins see each other? Not owning a name goes both ways.
I have just had my bub after years of infertility and IVF. I know how complex your feelings can be.
Try to enjoy a new bub in the family.