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AIBU?

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Original poster

A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

448 replies

PlateSpinn · 10/10/2024 15:08

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/10/2024 15:14

I'm sorry. That's either extraordinarily thoughtless of him or it was a conscious decision. If you do find you are 'let go' Sad Angry do make sure you get half of his pension. It sounds very much as if you've earned it.

AppleTreeFall · 10/10/2024 15:16

Have you asked him about it? It sounds incredibly thoughtless at best.

user1471538283 · 10/10/2024 15:18

I wasn't with my ex as long as you or did as much as you but I did more than anyone else and he thanked his mother and not me. It was one of many reasons why I left.

I don't think it's thoughtless. At best it's being taken for granted or how your work and your support is less important.

rubyslippers · 10/10/2024 15:19

I would be so hurt if this was me
YANBU

LaughingPig · 10/10/2024 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NeedToChangeName · 10/10/2024 15:19

Or, he thought it was taken as read that thanking his family included you, and he wanted to publicly acknowledge his parents as well?

Seems a bit of a leap to assume he's planning to end the marriage, but I assume there's more to this than meets the eye

cstaff · 10/10/2024 15:19

Could it have just been a nerve issue i.e. did he have a speech prepared or was he caught off guard and just omitted you by accident. Hopefully it was accidental.

ahemfem · 10/10/2024 15:19

You're his family aren't you?

Heretodayblownawaytomorrow · 10/10/2024 15:20

Imo start withdrawing all of your support.. Start thinking of YOU.... If he is The Big Man now he can look after himself also... Start getting yourself more of a life.... And decide if he is to be in it or not.

Peonies12 · 10/10/2024 15:21

I’d say ‘family’ covers you. And it was your choice to make those sacrifices.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 10/10/2024 15:21

I could understand it if he’d just mentioned colleagues and left it at that, as maybe he just wanted to keep it about work. But if he thanked his parents he should definitely have thanked you as well, as it sounds like you did a lot more for his career than them. Did he mean to include you when he thanked family? He should really have mentioned you by name but that might be what he meant. When my DH says his “family” he usually means me and our son, not his parents.

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 10/10/2024 15:21

Yes that is a really pointed snub to you OP. I'm not surprised you are upset.
Did you mention his speech to him after the celebration?

Mickey79 · 10/10/2024 15:21

It depends really. If he thanked his ‘family’ generally and didn’t name anyone individually, you are part of his family so it’s fine. If he said ‘my mum and dad’ specifically and then didn’t mention you, I’d find it thoughtless. Relationship ending? No.

teatimelover · 10/10/2024 15:21

That would really hurt me to op if I wasn't acknowledged. very thoughtless on his part.

thursdaymurderclub · 10/10/2024 15:22

you may just be overthinking this... did he know he would have to make a speach? were you stood with his parents when he looked at them? if he had made eye contact with you, would he have broken down so avoided it?

you do sound a bit me, me, me! why can't he have his 5 mins of glory?

who arranged the celebration? what have you planned for him?

Amazonmulu · 10/10/2024 15:22

YANBU

Note down all assets and see what you would be able to afford on your own.

Scale back your support.

Focus on you.

You are defo NBU

housemaus · 10/10/2024 15:23

I would have 100% assumed 'family' included me, especially after 30 years together, but it sounds like you don't feel particularly appreciated generally otherwise I don't think this would have registered - so maybe that's worth a conversation with him?

namechangetheworld · 10/10/2024 15:26

Aren't you his family though?

redtrain123 · 10/10/2024 15:27

Was the speech prepared or not? If ad lib, maybe it was just an oversight. If prepared, then that’s a bit thoughtless, unless nerves got the better of him.

You say he thanked ‘his family’. Did he mean his parents and siblings, or you and your children? If it was you and your children, then I think you were included.

Maybe you should bring it up? Say how nice the event was, and just casually ask in passing why you weren’t named, as his wife, for supporting him (with tinkly laugh?). Keep it low key and non-accusations, just a casual question.

Didimum · 10/10/2024 15:28

Gosh, OP, that is incredibly hurtful. I would be so angry and sad with him. You need to talk to him asap – if he validates your feelings and seems genuine then maybe fine (maybe), but id he dismisses it then that's beyond crap.

'Family' may encompass you – I guess? But it's nowhere near good enough. At all.

Didimum · 10/10/2024 15:29

redtrain123 · 10/10/2024 15:27

Was the speech prepared or not? If ad lib, maybe it was just an oversight. If prepared, then that’s a bit thoughtless, unless nerves got the better of him.

You say he thanked ‘his family’. Did he mean his parents and siblings, or you and your children? If it was you and your children, then I think you were included.

Maybe you should bring it up? Say how nice the event was, and just casually ask in passing why you weren’t named, as his wife, for supporting him (with tinkly laugh?). Keep it low key and non-accusations, just a casual question.

Was the speech prepared or not? If ad lib, maybe it was just an oversight. If prepared, then that’s a bit thoughtless, unless nerves got the better of him.

This was my only redeeming thought too. Though it's hard to accept that as you should really be front and centre of his mind along with any specific colleagues really supporting and mentoring him at work.

5128gap · 10/10/2024 15:35

He doesn't see it the way you do. If he did, there is no way he could accidentally overlook thanking you. You'd be at the forefront of his mind whether the speech was prepared or ad hoc. There are some people I owe huge amounts to. I could never forget them in a vote of thanks. The only question is whether it's simply a case of a lack of shared understanding about how much appreciation he owes you, or whether he's deliberately not mentioning it to be passive aggressive. The fact you're even thinking this might mean he may want out of the marriage suggests the latter, so I'm assuming there are other issues?

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 10/10/2024 15:37

The extent to which this would bother me would entirely depend on how he was day to day. And how he had been through the years when my career was taking a hit etc. Had he been appreciative, aware of the impact on me, or had he take it all for granted.

Original poster
PlateSpinn · 10/10/2024 15:37

Not had a chance to catch up with him yet.
I think family was definitely aimed at his parents, both times, different speeches, I was at a different part of the room.

I've a classic can't have everything life so threw it away - I had the higher paid job & potential but his was more steady. He prioritised his and when I couldn't keep all the plates spinning, my work stalled. It picked up and then I stupidly gave up last year because the commute was a killer, elderly parents and work stress and he was happier to not have to teen wrangle and do his share of domestic.

So stupid

OP posts:
Coruscations · 10/10/2024 15:40

thursdaymurderclub · 10/10/2024 15:22

you may just be overthinking this... did he know he would have to make a speach? were you stood with his parents when he looked at them? if he had made eye contact with you, would he have broken down so avoided it?

you do sound a bit me, me, me! why can't he have his 5 mins of glory?

who arranged the celebration? what have you planned for him?

Nowhere does OP suggest he can't have his 5 mins of glory. She's just a bit sad that, when he's gone out of his way to use some of that to thank colleagues and parents, he couldn't even acknowledge her. What's wrong with that?