A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

Clearly this isn’t a happy marriage
Clearly a lot of anger and bitterness
So i’m surprised the Op was surprised that he didn’t specifically mention her

and i’m still intrigued by the op starting a mumsnet thread before she’d had a chance to “catch up” with her own husband!

@Listen4etterinthepost, all four people he mentions in that speech are the same person - his wife. The whole point he’s making is that his entire career, his achievements, and the existence of his family would be impossible without her support, hard work and - importantly - creative input.

He was still allegedly a manipulative, sexually harassing POS to the actresses he worked with, but this remains one of the all-time best acknowledgements of the tireless, unseen and uncelebrated work women do to support and facilitate the success of men.

I hope you get your due thanks eventually, OP. If he ever stops sulking he should pay to fly a bloody banner off the back of a plane.

How long does it take to say "and especially my wife"?

I agree that the hits I have taken have been for dc and their lives staying smooth with not too much childcare etc etc. I have however felt that in doing that (when dh hasn't) my ambition has been repressed and I have had moments of resentment. He is older so was further ahead and earning more when we had kids. I have hung on in there and there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Giving up on work entirely was the op's mistake I think.

seconds

but you have to want to say it

and clearly… he didn’t

I would be very annoyed if he specifically mentioned and thanked his parents but not you? If he did then you should tackle him about it. You should also restart your career. And keep the salary to yourself. You might need it if you find yourself pushed into touch

I would be annoyed.

But I think it also highlights that a) you resent having been in a position where giving up your work was the least worst option and b) that most people don't actually place value on SAHM-type functions as the SAHM likes to think.

I would be sad if partner did not thank me in a similar situation, unless he thanked me privately and often and at other times through out the thirty years...in which case I wouldnot mind at all and I'd be very proud, of course, that he thanked others whom he had not thanked before.

There's obviously a back story here but the OP isn't being forthcoming and therefore it is difficult to offer a view on the situation.

which leads me to believe that the husband not specifically mentioning the OP is actually no surprise

Why should he thank you. Sorry I just don't see the issue. Parents and colleagues yes. They contribute to a person's success.

You don't think a spouse can contribute to a person's success?

I would not be happy about that. Particularly the point of looking over at the family. You need to sit down and have a non confrontational discussion about it and how he envisages your lives going forward. I suspect communication is a problem here which is why you have gone to worse case scenario mentally. Talk to him.

Why? Because that PP hasn’t jumped on the man-hating bandwagon like 90% of other posters who are equally angry about this on OP’s behalf, probably cos they know deep down their ‘DH’s’ would also leave them out of a thank you speech too?

Maybe some of it is resentment, bitterness or jealousy on OP’s part. If you think it’s ’mean, horrible or spiteful’ to ask then maybe toughen up a little.

Blimey...what a harsh and badly-judged comment.

Jesus...I hope your "family" hasn't made you see life through that particular lens...

Not at all, that would have been "you are jealous"

This, however, is a question.

I'm genuinely curious about as OPs reaction seems extreme and very focussed on what could have been for her.

How is wanting an actual mention in his thank you speech extreme? Or self focussed? I think she's experiencing the shock many women experience when they realised just how much their partner has taken their support and sacrifices for granted.

Loads of women do this, that's how loads of men have high-flying careers. Yes I know it's the 21st century. No things really haven't moved on nearly as much as people would like to believe.

I agree. It shouldn’t be how things are, but very often, that’s what happens. Ive seen it many time with my friends.

OP I think the lack of acknowledgement was very hurtful. How many times do we hear in speeches by men “I’d like to thank my wife? A lot. There follows how important and appreciated her support has been throughout their lives together. Then usually thanking family and friends follows. Only you can say if you are generally unappreciated and your support and all you do, taken for granted. If it is, then it’s time for a serious talk, re-think and next steps. And in the meantime I’d start to really value your time, wants and needs. You aren’t a household appliance.

That is hurtful. However best to talk it through and let him know how you feel. Also go on holiday by yourself for a week or 2 and let him take care of everything. Hope your children thank and appreciate you and your parents.
Marriage should be a partnership/team work. Thank each other. Take time for each other. Try not to take things for granted.
Acknowledge each other.

I think the fact that you "don't do emotional chats" is much more concerning that his failure to thank you, though I think that's awful too. It doesn't sound like you have a close loving, open relationship.

It is true for some families, who are you to tell me my contribution did not help my partner climb the career ladder, because it certainly did and lots of others too. I know plenty women who took on the mental load wether they were a SAHP, worked part time or full time. Just as Male partners can be SAHP and support their partner climb the career ladder. This happens in lots of household. And that is a Fact.

@DangerousAlchemy I don’t think many posters are married to men who earn really well. I actually think I mourned for my career. I had worked very hard for it but as it was in local government, even my full time salary was a fairly small fraction of his earnings! I don’t think people realise that anyone running a mid sized business is consumed by that if they really want to be successful. It’s everything to them and to a great extent a wife is facilitating that. By doing a job as well it is just more pressure and effort on top of an already busy schedule.

No family help with childcare available to me. I did pay for a nanny but even that isn’t plain sailing. Someone else you have to juggle!

Some people do only value work with £ signs attached and think nothing else matters. I do find that very sad. I was always criticised for giving up paid work. By friends with no dc. Apparently women they knew with 4 dc worked! They managed it.m, why not you? Apparently I would be thrilled to do even more! Yes, they worked but further investigation revealed extensive family help and nice regular hours worked by DH in a fairly run of the mill job. That was very different from my scenario and yes, you are bottom of the pile if you don’t earn money.

I just don’t get why people (usually women) do this. It’s totally possible to keep both careers on the road in some capacity. It’s really sad to see this kind of situation happen but it’s so foreseeable.

don’t think people realise that anyone running a mid sized business is consumed by that if they really want to be successful. It’s everything to them and to a great extent a wife is facilitating that.

Some people do only value work with £ signs attached and think nothing else matters. I do find that very sad.

Surely your first statement means that your DH only valued paid work and nothing else mattered. Including spending time with his family. His 'sad' outlook enabled you to be a sahm with a nanny. Why is it sad if a woman with children wants to maintain her career but a man who barely engages with family life, doesn't do any of the boring child stuff that is apparently so valuable when a woman does it but is completely unnecessary when a man has a big high paying job?

I worked and had the nanny!I tried to do it all! Until you realise it’s very difficult to juggle everything. Don’t you just love a thread that blames other women for their foolish choices!

It all depends on the money doesn’t it? Why would anyone do everything and work as well? As I said, some posters don’t really get what high income looks like. Until you are in that position yourself with dc, you don’t entirely get it.