A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

And that's the thanks you get. Literally.

Only you know if he thinks you're beneath him, or if he truly believes this was all down to him, or if he meant you when he said family.

Either way, you're hurt. If I was hurt and my husband had caused it, he would be mortified. Whilst he's not perfect (neither of us are) he would never, ever want to hurt me. Do you think your husband feels the same?

And why do you seem so passive? Like you're waiting for him to say its all over? Where are you in this decision? Do you want to stay married?

If this happened to me I'd be absolutely fuming

Your last post sounds a bit bitter. He thanked his family you are his family. It sounds like you are jealous because you gave up your career. Isnt it meant to be a partnership just because you looked after the children it doesn't make your contribution any less and it isn't any less important. If you want to get back on the ladder nothings stopping you.

I don't think I would thank my spouse publicly, just because we are a team and I thank them on a regular basis at home and it would feel a bit performative. To me the whole "I want to thank..." is a formality and a way to give acknowledgement to 'non team' members.

Fxxk OP, how really awful.

I would be putting the feelers out for the name of the best divorce lawyer about.
I would have that number ready.
I would be assembling all paperwork and have it ready to go.
The more information you can gather the better.
Have a quiet approximate valuation done on the house.
Information on pension, investments etc.
Copies of as much as possible.
Talk to friends and family, take their discreet support.
Pay for some early legal advice in preparation.
Knowing the best steps to take before you need them will help you take back control.

It sounds hurtful and the way you speak about the relationship isn't positive, which makes it irrelevant if this was an oversight or not. Does he take you for granted in general?
If you only gave up work last year, is it possible for you to find a new job if and when you need? No need to kick yourself and say you were stupid, you made the best decision for you and your family on the information you had.

Oh OP, how shit.

I'd get back to work as soon as you can. The less time you have out of the workplace the better, tbh. And I'd make it clear that you're prioritising your career and financial security and make sure he has to do more than his share for once.

Is it just your parents you're looking after, or his as well?

If you are a SAHM, does he feel you are performing the role well? Do you have dinner on the table for him, washing all done, clothes ironed etc?

Are you on loan from the 1950s? 😂

Well your User name is certainly apt. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

@ComingBackHome of course they aren't more worthy, wasn't suggesting it. But OP herself expressed a reason for not continuing with the career was because "the commute was killer". And she also hasn't said that she loved the job or found it really fulfilling, just that it was lucrative and she was good at it - that doesn't always mean you love it. In that instance prioritising your social wellbeing over a money spinner isn't wrong.

I have no advice, I just wanted to pop on and offer you a virtual hug
Im so sorry OP, I can only imagine how shattered and unappreciated you must have felt. I’m sure in his man brain, saying thank you to family covered his gratitude to you-or at least I hope so.
But no, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel hurt at this.
If this had been my husband I’d have lamped him as soon as we got outside the venue-and he’d have been sleeping in the garden that night, and many more nights after

YANBU.

Sorry you're getting the usual disgusting remarks here ("your choice", etc).

Your H dropped the ball is spectacular fashion, and you have every right to be monumentally disappointed in his performance.

I'd ask him if he feels he has supported you in your career to the extent that you've supported him all these years, and to back up his response with examples.

if it was only last year you threw in the towel it is totally redeemable as a break for parent care etc. Pick it back up and if he asks say it didn't seem worth the sacrifice so you are picking things back up. I think we emotionally attach ourselves to the self sacrifice, and in doing so do ourselves no favours. a teen off to Uni soon does not need the same support as several children and you need to look after No. 1

Well I think that's unlikely given as the OP says her career took a huge hit several times.

Even if she was a SAHM, she has still enabled this selfish prick to progress at the expense of her career. That's one hell of a sacrifice, and he was hateful not recognising that!

I'm sorry @PlateSpinn - I think you need to start prioritising no 1 now. He's an ungrateful, unappreciative arsehole. Let his parents have him back!

What a crappy response!!

I don't think she sounds bitter at all, and she would be more than justified if she did!

Someone working at a high level? Unlikely!

Wow. You are right to feel pissed off. Please ask him. As a man old enough to have been married 30 years it’s also actually very weird that he’d thank his parents or think they had any role in his recent success.

That is completely NOT the point!

It's not a crappy response just because you don't agree with it. It's how she's comes across to me.

Oh give over. Can a woman never complain about anything ever without being accused of the lazy go to cliche 'jealous' and its equally tedious companion 'bitter'? She doesn't sound remotely jealous of him. She sounds like a woman who thought she was part of a partnership where the work was shared and the success resulting from that was shared too. Whether she is able to get back on the ladder or not is entirely irrelevant to whether she is entitled to appreciation for stepping off it and holding it steady so her husband could climb it more easily.

I’ve been there so know how much this hurts.

Mine was a big surprise bday party I threw for my mum. I organised the whole thing and she made a speach thanking everyone for coming and her partner for keeping it secret. I didn’t get a mention and it was both incredibly hurtful and also embarrassing.

I had some therapy afterwards which helped me accept how little I meant to her and free me from trying to get her approval.

No she does not and I have no idea how you extrapolated that! Nonsense!

I hope she has nothing planned for him, selfish get!

Agree. He has lost out in a great many ways.

But the OP has lost out too, and I think the recent experience has been a shocking eye opener. I think the OP is right to see her life and her husband in a different light now.

There is a lack of balance, and I think it's appropriate to wonder about the lack of acknowledgement; being taken for granted or treated like the wallpaper isn't nice.

Could he feel he’s been supporting you? I’d have a convo about this. As in my very limited experience when I’ve seen this done it was game over between the couple and deliberate.

was there work colleagues there, could there be a woman there he is having an affair with?

I'd be fuming!

You're the one person you has actually made personal sacrifices by choice to support him. The one person who didn't have to. His parents just parented. And I'm guessing your kids put up with his absence when he was working late. But you actually dedicated decades to ensuring he could follow his career.

"Family" isn't suitable if he meant that to cover you, you deserve to be named and thanked. I can't begin to imagine how underappreciated you feel.