A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

I'd be gutted OP. That's really awful of him.

What's he like normally, is this unexpected? Is there any hope it's an oversight and he'll be mortified or does he just not see you?

Is this another "useless male academic taking advantage of his wife" thread?

DH did the same to me at his significant birthday party. Massive do, which I organised, I did all the food myself (no mean feat for 100+ guests) and decorated the hall, arranged for a special themed cake, the lot.

Got to the thank you all for being here, thanks for the presents, thanks to this friend, that friend, all his other relatives for coming, the lot. He totally forgot to mention me, his wife, at all and it was excruciatingly embarrassing for me. I wanted the floor to open up beneath my feet and swallow me up. I brought it up the following day (because even his sister had noticed the omission and said about it to me), and he wouldn't accept that he had forgotten to thank me. He insisted that he must have done, but I know that he just forgot, and the fact that he forgot still really hurts. It was quite a few years ago now and I don't suppose I will ever lose the memory of how I felt that night.

Oh cmon. Let’s face it. He did it deliberately and most blokes go for easy life. So they’d say it even if they didn’t mean it. He didn’t, so yes there could be he is involved with someone else there so didn’t wish to say it.

and let’s also be honest, the op didn’t say on the night, still hasn’t said, and hasn’t had a chance to catch up with him and oh thinks they are at rhe end of the road. In no healthy marriage does anyone not say anything, not be able to talk to their partner and assume divorce . So clearly a back story here.

My now husband thanked me in his dPhil and we had only been dating a couple of years at best. I am really sorry he’s treating you this way

It is a role that has to work for both parties, so I would expect both partners to have regular check-ins so the working parent can give feedback on the arrangement and how household tasks are being performed.

this is so batshit crazy, I started hollering!!!! I cannot work out if you are actually serious or just having a laugh. But seeing your handle, it must be the latter @LaughingPig

Sounds like it is time for an evaluation of your relationship and also your current prospects for working/spending time in a way which is meaningful for you individually. On its own, omitting to thank you individually in his speech may not mean much; perhaps he was feeling a bit overwhelmed and will kick himself when he realises his mistake. But I don't think that alone would seed the idea that he is planning to 'let you go'. Time for a proper discussion?

The fuck have I just read?

I was stay at home Parent for a long time and my husband massively benefited from it career wise and he was/ still is, thankfully, very able to see that and grateful for it. Had I not been at home to hold the fort he’d of had to do more at home and therefore his career wouldn’t be where it is now.

It sounds very much like the original posters situation was the same as this, it doesn’t say anywhere that he was unhappy with the setup. He absolutely benefit from it career wise and should be personally thanking his wife as a person who has facilitated his career success.

‘Congratulations on your promotion. I am now leaving. Glad to have made a difference ‘

what thoughtless , spineless behaviour from him.

Yeah he might thank her for that.

Time to start expanding your own career.

Op you’re not a passenger in hour pwn life. What do you mean you’ve not caught up with him, didn’t you see him at the event, or after, this morning? And what do you mean you think you’re being let go. If there is a problem in your marriage speak to him.

That's abysmal. I don't think I'd ever forgive him for that. Don't do it ever again!! Has he done anything for you for a significant birthday?

Mate.....just stop 😂😂😂

Op why did he have a celebration? Don't most people just buy a bottle of Tesco prosecco on the way home?

Is he Clarke Griswold?

And to fuck with the parent at home doing all the thankless tasks that have zero respect from a large proportion of society (like you @LaughingPig ) with no recognition. Are you too thick to see that the husband benefited massively from this set up?!

Hopefully, she will be able to show him how much she has saved the family by her presence and availability for the children and her work in the home.

If I were her, I'd start compiling some figures - childcare and/or nanny per annum X number of children X number of years, cleaner per annum X number of years, administrative assistant per annum X number of years, gardener per annum X number of years, and then produce an estimate of the salary she might have earned had she remained 100% as career oriented as he was allowed to be.

She could also point out how career focused he would have looked if he had taken an equal number of days off to pick up sick children from school, to bring children to the doctor or dentist, to go to school events, to do the hours in the evenings or weekends that so often goes along with children - sports, recitals, trips here and there, and all the organising and laundry and all the rest of the labour this stuff involves.

Maybe he got to schmooze with clients on the golf course on weekends or took people to dinner in the evening while she drove carloads of kids to swim meets or rugby or junior orchestra events. In her shoes, I'd point out that all the people at the recognition event would have been waiting for him to acknowledge her, and that they would all have been left pondering the state of their relationship.

If he still dismisses her or insists he counted her as "family" and she should quit the bellyaching, I'd be having serious doubts about the relationship.

Would you indeed.

If my DH tried that shit with me, he'd be roundly told to fuck the fuck off!

Do you have to schedule these meetings in the calendar? Maybe a Teams call while he's at his Big Important Job? With minutes? (obviously the 'inferior' SAHP would be the note-taker!!)

In any SAHP relationship, there is a working parent enabling them to be at home.

it's usually the other one way round esp with a high earner who works crazy hours, little flexibility etc. Impossible to have a family unless someone agrees to give up work to enable the other party to check out of the bulk (often all) domestic tasks.

If I were her, I'd start compiling some figures - childcare and/or nanny per annum X number of children X number of years, cleaner per annum X number of years, administrative assistant per annum X number of years, gardener per annum X number of years, and then produce an estimate of the salary she might have earned had she remained 100% as career oriented as he was allowed to be.

please don’t do this op, you don’t need to humiliate yourself an compare yourself to the hired help. And he will simply say how much he’s paid foe housing, food, bills etc.

you’re not hired help. Don’t ever compare yourself to it.

I clicked on the wrong one by mistake ! You are absolutely NBU. I'd be gutted. Sorry OP.

WTAF? Do people actually think like this? What a sad bloody world we live in that a woman who has supported her husband, in case you missed it, is ignored, humiliated and unappreciated publicly is met with someone interrogating her contribution. .

I know 🤣 regular feedback sessions and SAHP simply there to support the mighty worker, who, without the SAHP wouldn't be able to work.

My DP could expect to be told to wash and iron his own shit and go self-catering if he tried that with me.

It doesn’t matter whether you have been a sahm, working full time or part time, earning masses or earning little, or a combination of all of the above. What matters is that you didn’t cross his mind as someone to thank publically, and you should have been front and centre the no 1 person he thanked. Whether that is because he is a dick who doesn’t consider your support and contribution was valuable because he is the “genius”, or because he is a dick whose mind didn’t even turn to his constant support and partner over the last 30 years, ir whether he is a dick because he is about to discard you, is irrelevant, really. He is a dick, and you deserve better. I’m sorry.

I understand why this would smart a bit but isn’t the real story that you are kicking yourself a bit for having given up work?

He doesn’t need a SAH spouse to “support” him. I don’t know what his perspective is on you not working and whether he was supportive or otherwise. But he probably didn’t see it as an act of sacrifice and thus didn’t see it as worth calling out?