A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

I didn't blame you, I pointed out that you said it was sad when people only put value on making money, yet clearly your husband ( and other high earners) do just that!

No it isn’t always possible. It depends on the two parents’ jobs and what hours those parents require. It is very hard to juggle two high flying long hours jobs with small children, even with a nanny cleaner meal service etc. Any kind of medical issue, SN or even just children who sleep badly will make it even harder (I’d say pretty much impossible).

Unless by saying “in some capacity” you mean “by moving to a different career which is less demanding but also less well paid and not the one you chose”.

do a mashup of 20 speeches of the part where a man says I’d like to thank my wife and send it to him. Easy to find examples. Including his colleague.

Well I personally think it is possible in the vast majority of situations. It's just a question of attitude. Our situation is complicated by all of those issues and we manage. Obviously it's not easy but something is do-able. Sorry, just my view.

@pinkgirl2018 Whst issues are you managing? I failed to see how having a full time job running a home (more than one), elderly relatives, everything dc needed and being there for them and a full time demanding job could possibly work out as sensible for me or dc. Everyone could possibly “manage” by hiring in staff for everything but that has severe limitations.

@Seasmoke Actually I don’t think DH has a very close relationship with dc. He does now realise he was too narrow in his outlook but we cannot turn the clock back. He defined his life by earning money and they define him as having it. It certainly wasn’t my goal when we had dc

Well, I don’t feel the need to declare it all, especially because it’s not about me, but I have ill parents, 3 sen children, and I run 2 businesses and my partner is a surgeon. Why do you ask?

How nice for you. Is your business called ‘how to tell everyone why they should be exactly like you’? Many men have wives who facilitate their careers, many people would fall apart if they did a full time working load on top of extensive family load. These facilitated men’s lives would be harder and in many cases their careers less stellar if they actually did half the parenting and home life and the caring for elderly parents. (And in my family and friends experience many surgeons earn buckets, can pay for lots of help, and also do get free time in useful daylight hours so aren’t absent from family life like many all consuming jobs are. I see surgeons regularly at the school drop off and pick up, at the under 10s football on sundays, bringing their 4 kids to the family catch up)

No I just feel strongly that women (9 times out of 10 women) are screwed over by giving up absolutely everything for their husbands and then get upset about it. I’m a feminist. Keep your own career. Don’t put yourself at fhe mercy of a man and be 100% reliant on them. It rarely works out. Resentment builds. Financial independence suffers. Confidence falls. Self reliance falls. There is no upside. And, no, we have zero help. We do it all ourselves. Not that it’s about me - as I’ve already said.

There is no upside

Of course there is - the person at home gets to be the primary carer for their own children and those children don’t have to be in childcare. You may hold other things as a higher priority for you, which is fine. But others might feel differently and thus make different choices.

All this is couched in gender neutral terms. Yet it rarely is. It's still considered far more acceptable for a man to have a higher priority than being the person at home looking after his own children and not putting them in childcare. And fine for him to hope or even expect his female partner to make that 'choice' instead, even though he won't. Yes there's an upside but it's not a level playing field.

Yes there's an upside but it's not a level playing field.

I agree with you. But how much is society and how much is biology? I gave up my (what many would call” “cool important job” because we both were firmly of the view that we would prefer not to use childcare. That’s a privilege and possible due to fortunate economic circumstances. But I can honestly say that I wanted to be the one “with the kids” (if I were to analyse it, I’d say on some sort of primal level) more. So - on that basis - is it right to call it a “sacrifice”, or are the consequences just the logical outcome of my own (consciously and freely made) decisions?

Actually I don’t think DH has a very close relationship with dc. He does now realise he was too narrow in his outlook but we cannot turn the clock back. He defined his life by earning money and they define him as having it. It certainly wasn’t my goal when we had dc
Apparently anecdotally younger fathers are less willing to do this, and want to be more involved in their children's lives. I hope that's true ( although looking at Mumsnet I somehow doubt it) The other side of the 'not having time to do the school run' is that you turn round and your children have grown up and away.

Any updates? How do you feel now?

100% agree with this. We do it all as well, with just a cleaner and some after school care. It is totally doable.

All this is never simple. Even if it seems simple to some on this thread, it may only be simple to you, right now, in your current circumstances.

No one has foresight.
Things happen.

The problem with exhorting women ‘not to give up their career’, or to earn enough to support themselves, is that the decisions in question might have been made ten, fifteen or even twenty years before, in entirely different social, familial and economic circumstances. Even more than thirty years before, if a fifty-something woman made a decision in her late teens to follow a particular career path that might have once been be creative and prestigious but ends up being badly paid, irregular and horribly precarious.

[My heart always sinks a little when I see a teenage girl heading off to study Fine Art, drama or even music. I love and value those art forms, but society does not reward those who pursue them.]

In terms of circumstances, I used to be very smug about having kept my career going, but a combination of circumstances (including a late-diagnosed additional need) has seen me become a SAHM in all but name in the last few years. What has astonished me was how un-bothered my high-earning DH (previously always very keen for me to work and contribute financially) has been by my career grinding to a halt.

I might have previously thought that my success as a working mother was down to my personal characteristics - I used both paid and family childcare, I balanced, I prioritised, I studied, I developed, I raced between home and central London - but perhaps it was all just circumstantial all along?

If you have family to help you have half a chance of working.

I note that a surgeon is probably employed. That’s not the same as taking the risk of employing lots of people and finding the work for them. I think surgeons have the work come to them, it’s a different set of circumstances. Also how much do surgeons earn? DH earnt 20 times what I did. Not double. Also all parents working full time do farm out childcare. I know lots of people who did part time, term time, work - the holidays were so difficult for them and it curtailed earnings. If you don’t have family, working parents do struggle.

I used to be totally sure I wanted my career and my own money. However it wasn’t that much money when compared to DH. As I was married I did have some protections. I missed my own money a lot but I had plenty. Enough to spend very freely and even have a cleaner! I think top jobs are full on and so is running a successful business.Over retirement age now and I guess we are high net worth folks. However, not being thanked pissed me off all those years ago.

I don't disagree with you but it's easy to underestimate how women are sabotaged by their own concern about their children. Someone has to pay attention to them and all the things they need to thrive and be happy - not just the big stuff, but parties, playdates, school plays, dental appts, etc - and so often men opt out completely to focus entirely on their career. Women are then faced with quandary - do they put their kids first or their own career? Most women will always put their kids' needs first, because someone has to.

...but a lot of the stuff mentioned on this thread like appointments, parties, playdates can be fitted in around a full time job, let alone part-time. You really don't need to be at home sitting on the sofa for hours mulling over halloween party sandwich fillings. As for the poster who claimed that letting in the builders on the arranged calendar date and making them a cup of tea is "project management", which means she could not have a job, what utter laziness.

It sounds like some women use their kids as an excuse to not work and then blame their husbands when they end up with no pension.

I guess it depends on what you do and how much flexibility you have. I’ve almost always managed to get to the kids stuff (as has my husband) but we can both arrange our own calendars, work from home & have flexible hours. Lots of people don’t and that would make it massively harder.

It’s much much harder. DC with working parents just used to go off with a childminder. Parents never had other dc to play on a weekday. Not everyone can WFH. It’s utterly wrong for women who can to say it’s easy for everyone. It’s absolutely not. Obviously parties are weekends and appointments are a nightmare!

You do know that's not really what it's like to be a stay at home Mum?

If it’s not clear, all four women he mentioned were the one woman, his wife Alma Reville, who was a screenwriter and editor. A very classy speech, unlike the one made by OP’s H.