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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

206 replies

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 12:54

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

OP posts:
fluffytail · 10/10/2024 12:56

To honest, you hit the nail of the head when you said they're trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. Perhaps it's better to tell them now that you'll be arranging a separate event for your son and part ways.

PaperLampshade · 10/10/2024 12:57

I think I’d be stepping away from the joint party altogether, if negotiations have broken down over cake! DS had several joint parties when he was younger and separate cakes were the norm.

Lallybroch · 10/10/2024 12:57

It's a long time since my children were small but I would feel very strongly that my child should have their own birthday cake especially if they have a particular theme in mind. If this is a deal breaker for her then I would suggest that she holds her own birthday party for her son and you hold a separate one for your own child.

dragonfliesandbees · 10/10/2024 12:58

My daughter has had a couple of joint parties. We did separate cakes so they both have their own candles to blow out.

Attelina · 10/10/2024 13:00

Joint parties other than doe siblings are usually a disaster with one side feeling aggrieved at the other side taking advantage.

Say you've changed your mind and won't be doing it.

Snorlaxo · 10/10/2024 13:01

2 cakes have been presented at every joint birthday that I’ve been to. The children usually have different tastes and it’s better that they blow their own candles rather than take turns or try and blow their candles at the same time.

I would separate the parties with this mum because she’s inevitably going to find more issues with you imo.

5128gap · 10/10/2024 13:02

Two cakes is a really good way of personalising it to each child and giving them a special individual moment. However, the issue is a bit more than that. You have been railroaded into basically going halves for another child's birthday party, with your only wish for your child refused. I'd pull out altogether if it's not too late as if she's this much of a bully you're going to be paying for a tense and miserable time. Tell her you're sorry she's upset but in light of the fall out think it's best you each make your own plans. If its not possible to do that, just turn up on the day with your own cake.

Mayorq · 10/10/2024 13:04

We're still at the joint party stage for the kids in my daughters class and there's always a cake per birthday child

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 13:05

Thank you all for the responses and splitting up sounds reasonable. Unfortunately, the party is due in 2 weeks so not much time to react. I probably did a poor job not escalating things early enough. I also thought that having separate cakes and candles makes both kids feel special (not much experience with shared parties). I also didn't want to go overboard with the cake in terms of size or decorations, but I'd rather get a nice one than a home baked cake which tastes bland. I just didn't get why she got offended by such a trivial thing. Or maybe not so trivial🤷🏻

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 10/10/2024 13:05

1 cake per child…..sing happy birthday twice if 2 children

ARichtGoodDram · 10/10/2024 13:07

I've never been to a joint party that didn't have 2 cakes.

Get your DC his cake.

dragonfliesandbees · 10/10/2024 13:10

If the party is in two weeks you’ve probably left it a bit late to order a cake from a professional…

InTheRainOnATrain · 10/10/2024 13:12

The friend’s mum sounds like a lunatic if she’s not talking to you over such a mundane and reasonable request! DD has had 2 joint parties and we’ve been to several as guests and every single one has had 2 cakes. It’s a nice way to personalise it to each birthday child. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 10/10/2024 13:14

She's offended because your son's cake will outshine her son's cake.

And this party is really all about her son, with you footing half the bill.

Toomanyemails · 10/10/2024 13:14

Insist on the cake and take it as lesson learned
Presumably she's worried your cake will be masses bigger and more elaborate than hers, so maybe agree on size? Separate cakes are normal but it would look odd to have one basic homemade sponge and one huge, elaborate professional cake.

Frozensnow · 10/10/2024 13:17

2 separate cakes is normal. It’s weird she would be bothered about your child having a different cake when it makes no difference to hers at all

Mayorq · 10/10/2024 13:19

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 10/10/2024 13:14

She's offended because your son's cake will outshine her son's cake.

And this party is really all about her son, with you footing half the bill.

Edited

That's probably nailed it. You're another guest in her eyes, just one with a financial obligation

Futurethinking2026 · 10/10/2024 13:24

I think the issue is her DCs will be a home baked cake and yours will be a professional one.

We only ever did one joint party but with a reasonable person! We agreed on a cake maker together, had two cakes but made by the same person so same size and quality but will the Childs choice of theme.

We also did the unthinkable according to mums net and bought some shop tray bake cakes to cut up for the party bags so that we didn't have to try and cut them equally and both children could reuse the cakes at home for family tea party.

Talipesmum · 10/10/2024 13:25

totally normal and fine to have 2 cakes, one provided by each family, at a joint birthday party.

But this:
I'd rather get a nice one than a home baked cake which tastes bland.
is very rude. Assuming she’s not a terrible baker, I nearly always prefer the taste of homemade cakes to bakery ones, even though bakery ones can look more professional. I assume you didn’t say anything like this when you spoke to her ?! If you just said “oh, actually I think we’ll provide DS’s cake, I know he’d like to have an x character one, and it would be nice for them each to have their own cake” that would be fine, but anything hinting that you want shop bought because it’s better, looks / tastes nicer , more professional etc would be rude.

MSLRT · 10/10/2024 13:28

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 13:05

Thank you all for the responses and splitting up sounds reasonable. Unfortunately, the party is due in 2 weeks so not much time to react. I probably did a poor job not escalating things early enough. I also thought that having separate cakes and candles makes both kids feel special (not much experience with shared parties). I also didn't want to go overboard with the cake in terms of size or decorations, but I'd rather get a nice one than a home baked cake which tastes bland. I just didn't get why she got offended by such a trivial thing. Or maybe not so trivial🤷🏻

I was with you until you said that homemade cakes taste bland. I would rather a home baked one any day over some shop bought one full of additives and other rubbish.

colouroftherainbow · 10/10/2024 13:29

Have hosted joint parties multiple times for both DC and the consensus is separate cakes so each child gets the cake they want. Ime joint parties usually happen because the children happen to have birthdays close together and want to host the whole class, not because they’re close friends.

The one occasion we have shared the cake is where we hosted with DC’s close friend and we have a good relationship with the whole family so was easy to coordinate

TeenLifeMum · 10/10/2024 13:33

I always do two separate cakes for dtds parties but dd1 had a joint party with a friend we only had one cake - they were 3 and both happy with gruffalo theme so it wasn’t an issue but we could have done two and it would feel normal too.

Kaleidoscope101 · 10/10/2024 13:39

My child attended a joint birthday party.
The mums were friends but the party had become an issue between them.
They had agreed that they were both going to get a cheap supermarket character cake for each child.
On day of party mom number 1 turned up with a fancy, professionally made cake but turns out that mom number 2 had heard from someone else of this plan so promptly turned up with a 2 TIER professionally made cake 🤣🤣🤣

Sepoctnov · 10/10/2024 13:39

Get your DC his own cake. Just ignore her dramatics. She sounds unhinged and you're right, you are footing half the bill for her son's party.

Take it as a lesson learned the hard way, never do a joint party again!

modgepodge · 10/10/2024 13:39

I have tasted homemade cakes which taste incredible and professional cakes which look amazing but taste very meh. Each to their own, but i wouldn’t assume your professional cake will taste any better than her homemade one, though no doubt it will look better.

2 cakes absolutely the norm at every joint party I’ve been to though! You don’t need to be unkind about her cake choice, but it’s fair your son has his own cake.

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