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AIBU?

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Original poster

Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

206 replies

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 12:54

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

OP posts:
MuddlingThrough1724 · 13/10/2024 07:39

I'll bet the party is about her and her "hosting", and mighty convenient you are covering half the cost.

I've never been to a joint party where there has been a shared cake - who would hold it toothed birthday children (her?) and what if one child blows candles and not the other?

I'll also bet she doesn't want her cake to not be the centre of attention..... I can't believe she didn't ask about your child's preferences at all. Not even for flavour? I'd either tell her she was thoughtless and its clearly a money grab at the expense of your child, and do my own thing entirely, or cite your child's cake preferences and it being their party too, and order the nicest cake you can, just to prove a point (but I am a bit petty when it comes to people like her 🤣)!

Hope your son enjoys his party regardless of her efforts to disregard him x

CrispieCake · 13/10/2024 07:48

Surely this would have been shut down very easily with "Thank you, but my DC wants a cake in this theme and you know what 5yos are like. We don't want to disappoint them so will organise a separate cake."

We did a joint birthday party one year for DC2 which worked very well. The other parent sorted the party bags and balloons and I organised the cake. We had one cake, but with two tiers and each child picked a theme for "their" tier.

Anyone who doesn't think that both children's interests should be reflected at a joint party is a bit of an arsehole tbh. In planning the party, we were constantly sending messages like "This is what child X would like. Would child Y like this or shall we do something else?"

Workhardcryharder · 13/10/2024 07:52

given your strangely rude attitude towards her home baked cake I have a feeling we are only hearing one side of the story

Daisypod · 13/10/2024 08:02

You really don't like her do you? Her cakes are bland and everyone is nasty about them behind her back, she wanted to do cheaper versions of everything and not your more expensive versions so you have decided they are living beyond their means and now have to be cheap for their dc's party. Judgey much?
Also if a supermarket cake is about the same as your professional baker they they aren't very good, a supermarket cake is £10 - £15, professional baker at least £50-£60

PurBal · 13/10/2024 08:14

Always two cakes.

YABU to suggest home baked cakes taste bland though.

Prescottdanni123 · 13/10/2024 08:14

You clearly had a poor sampling of homemade cake if you think it tastes bland. Shop bought cakes are so artificial and tasteless in comparison and professional cakes can be mediocre if the baker is cutting corners. I make my own cakes quite often. You can do all kinds of different types, flavours and decorations, it doesn't have to be Victoria Sponge all the time.

I would come to an agreement about cake size etc with her as others have suggested. If she complains again, point out that you are still splitting the cost as you are paying the full cost of your cake and she is paying the full cost of hers. If she is a hobby baker, she probably has most if not all the ingredients at home already.

RoastLambs · 13/10/2024 08:27

Perhaps she thinks that the other parents will think she's a cow for making a cake for her own child and then leaving you in a situation where you have to outsource yours because you are too busy to make one.

oakleaffy · 13/10/2024 08:27

fluffytail · 10/10/2024 12:56

To honest, you hit the nail of the head when you said they're trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. Perhaps it's better to tell them now that you'll be arranging a separate event for your son and part ways.

THIS.

They want it their way with you paying 50%.

Cheeky blighters.

RoastLambs · 13/10/2024 08:27

Or she's worried that your child will look like a second class citizen at his own birthday party with his non-home made cake that had to be outsourced to make his mother's life easier.

Notamum12345577 · 13/10/2024 08:32

This post shows me I moved in very different circles when my (now older teenager) kids were young. Catering and professionally made cakes for a 5th birthday?! Catering was just for weddings, for a kids party food was sausage rolls, carrot sticks, pork pies etc etc, party was in something like a scout hut 😁.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 13/10/2024 08:33

@WittyOrca

Why don't you agree to have same cake but ask for the character your child wants. See what her response is then!!!!

Just get through the party and don't do joint again. Your child won't have a clue of all these issues and will blissfully have the time of their life with you watching happily on the sideline

Good luck 👍

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 13/10/2024 08:34

WittyOrca · 11/10/2024 16:31

Thank you!😊😊
e managed to talk to her husband this morning who said we were imposing our will on her (I beg to differ). He didn't go into details. For now, we're planning not to pull out.

Show quote history

I'd be putting the husband straight. Im sure shell be telling him a different story but I'd be politely saying to him that you've said yes to everything that she wanted so far, the only thing that you're saying is that you are having an individual cake for your child, as she wants them to share a cake that is suited to her child, and she has taken a massive strop.

And stick to the cake you're having, don't let your DC down to appease her and her DC.

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 13/10/2024 08:37

RoastLambs · 13/10/2024 08:27

Or she's worried that your child will look like a second class citizen at his own birthday party with his non-home made cake that had to be outsourced to make his mother's life easier.

She might also be worried that the OPs child will look like a second class citizen at his own birthday party with his non home made clothes that had to be outsourced to make his mothers life easier 🙄

VWAirbag · 13/10/2024 08:37

You’re right about having two cakes but wrong about homemade being inferior- it’s often the other way round.

Did you say all that stuff about mediocre baking etc to the other mum? If so, I suspect that is the issue.

RoastLambs · 13/10/2024 08:39

She might also be worried that the OPs child will look like a second class citizen at his own birthday party with his non home made clothes that had to be outsourced to make his mothers life easier 🙄

She might but she's not trying to make the OP's child squeeze into the same outfit her son will be wearing.

CosyLemur · 13/10/2024 08:44

PurBal · 13/10/2024 08:14

Always two cakes.

YABU to suggest home baked cakes taste bland though.

Personally I think it depends who makes them - I couldn't bake a nice cake to save my life. Whenever I make a cake even those that you get in a box kit they always taste dry and bland and horrible.
My sister and mum on the other hand their cakes are amazing!

Wheelz46 · 13/10/2024 08:47

I have never been to a joint party where there was only 1 cake, its always been separate cakes for each birthday child.

Having had joint parties for my own with their friends, we have always sorted our own cakes out. Ours home-baked and theirs professional baked. Now I am not classed as a professional baker but I could be if I wanted to, I just don't want to bake for a living.

I might be bias but pretty sure our cakes tasted equally as good and both definitely looked very pleasing 🎂 🎂

Home-baked can be just as great as a professional cake and dare I say it, sometimes even better 🤷‍♀️

SparkyBlue · 13/10/2024 08:52

OP she sounds like the type of person if the issue wasn't the cake it would be something else. The issue isn't the actual cake it's the not getting her own way on things.
And ignore those on here making an issue about getting professional to make a cake. I'm a decent cook but not at all great baker. Id never invite guests to a party and serve a cake I'd baked.

Clearinguptheclutter · 13/10/2024 08:56

We did a joint 5th (ds and his friend were joined at the hip at the time) and we did two cakes. It all worked fine.
If your dc is ok with everything else I’d happily let the other parent organise and charge me half but I’d put my foot down over two cakes

Pinkcountrybumpkin · 13/10/2024 09:00

I did a joint party for my sons 6th in may with his friend in the same class who turned 6 a week later. We spilt all costs inc venue, party bags, food and shared doing the catering but the children both had separate cakes as they can’t really blow out candles together! And wanted different cakes !

Longma · 13/10/2024 09:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Bestfootforward11 · 13/10/2024 09:05

Hello. If she’s not talking to you, this is a perfect time to text to say looks like we want different things for this party which is fair enough. I want you to have the party you want for your son and I’ll do my own thing….

Really OTT reaction to a suggestion of 2 cakes and I think the day itself will likely have her son centre stage. I’d take this moment to back away…good luck!

Emmz1510 · 13/10/2024 09:06

You should have separate cakes if you want them, it’s not unreasonable. Or split the cost on one big cake with two themes- I’ve seen this done. I do think you are being a bit mean to assume a cake made by a ‘hobby baker’ will be bland and not very good. I say this as I’m an amateur baker whose cakes are delicious- I’m biased of course- albeit I’m not much cop at decorating.
Id also be worried that if you separate the parties now your kid will lose out on some people coming who will choose to go to the other party if they are the same date? I’ve been to one or two joint parties which were joint because people wanted the same date.

Lemonadeand · 13/10/2024 09:08

we were imposing our will on her

She was happy to impose her will
on you, though?

Changeyourfuckingcar · 13/10/2024 09:11

Candystore22 · 13/10/2024 07:34

it’s not too late. Tell her today that it’s clearly not working.
It won’t feel like a birthday for YOUR child, and you kid will remember that.

Show quote history

This!! You may not have much of a stomach for voicing your own desires but really, it’s pretty poor to just go along with her choices when it isn’t what your child wants! Joint birthdays are always a bit of a hassle I’ve found. Not that I’ve ever done one, but through friends etc.

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