Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

Every joint party I have been to as a child and as a parent, has had TWO cakes

Separate cakes is normal for joint parties in my experience. No idea why she’s taken offence. Does she maybe feel like she’s organising everything and you’re just kind of hitching a ride?

Oh dear! A cake off!

Most joint partied my kids have been invited to had their own cakes and candles to blow out? It’s weird to share a cake, who takes the leftovers home?

Ms DS had a joint party last year for his 10th.
Massive cake with agreed theme on it, both blew out the candles, shared out cake at the party and then we spilt the leftovers. All agreed beforehand was probably where we didn't go wrong!

Of course your DC has their own cake!

My DS was friends with twin boys (more friendly with one than the other) and even though they had a joint party they had a cake each. It's part of it being your special day or celebration.

My kids have always had separate cakes when we've organised joint birthday parties. I wouldn't order a professionally-made cake if the other parent was baking their own though as that might make their cake look bad. Could you compromise with a shop-bought cake?

I've tried her cakes before and didn't like the taste. I haven't shared the 'bland' comment with her of course, it's just our preference. I have also tasted great homemade cakes, but it's my personal preference to have it done by a professional I know and who owns a nice patisserie that caters to my
(and my husbands and DC's taste). For parties, I prefer to order cakes externally because it's a special occasion and I want to try out new flavours (and additives maybe yes). Why would I have to justify my cake choices anyway?

Ive been to lots of joint parties and there has always been 2 cakes.
We also went to one that was for 3 children and there was 3 cakes.

I also described the cake we've now ordered to her so that we avoid our cake outshining hers, but as she didn't want to even accept us ordering cake elsewhere, I've decided to ping the baker on my own in the end. It's not gonna be massive and loaded
with decorations TBH.

@WittyOrca even though the party is only 2 weeks away, I’d still separate and go your own way. Maybe do your child’s party on the following weekend, etc. Have you paid the other mum any money?

Also, here on Mumsnet I've noticed several discussions on superiority of homemade cakes over the ones ordered from bakeries or stores. I don't quite get the negativity. I personally find home made ones boring and repetitive. I'd never say this to whoever makes their own cakes ofc. I also tend to bake cakes at home. The store bought ones might be prepared with more additives and sugar, but why so many people have a problem with this 1-2x a year? I get the financial aspect of it.

Yes, we've paid in for the venue and decorations.

That's a problematic point it seems. I would prefer the one made by a baker as they can decorate it with edible characters my son wants. This is not possible to get from a store. I see a cake to a large part as a surprise for my DC as he talks about this all the time. I also told to the baker not to decorate it too much. They will also cut the cake at the very end of the party.

'She now doesn't even want to talk to us. '

End this madness now.

Your child's birthday and party should not be overshadowed by bad feeling. On the day this woman is going to cause trouble.

Back out, cutting the ill feeling she has towards you.

'Hi Brenda, it's a shame that it's come to this but we are not longer going to have a joint party as you have created a bad atmosphere and your only interest is in sharing the bill for the venue, not making the party lovely for BOTH a children which includes two individual cakes for our children. Best wishes for your party and for Bertie's birthday.'

Then block and hold your own party.

The irony. You are the one saying that store bought cakes are superior to homemade.

Absolutely separate cakes! Both kids need to blow out their own candles!

Why on earth is a grown woman losing her shit over a birthday cake?

Not trivial though. She thinks your child doesn't matter at al! Every child deserves their own birthday cake with their own candles to blow out. I agree with PPs who say that if this awful woman has already had go at you for daring to assume your child matters, she'll get worse. Do you want her at your DC's celebration? It's not too late to pull out and arrange your own.

Some parents offer to share parties because they see you as a better than free party planner!

you need two cakes as they’ll both want to blow out their candles.

My birthday is on the same day as my Dad's, so we've always shared a birthday cake.

But for two 5 y/o, I'd definitely have a cake for each birthday boy.

I've learned this the hard way as it seems.

I am not sure that the other mum here is the only problem, my take is that the OP was very happy to let the other mum do all the hard work organising then blew her top about the cake. OP did you call your "friend" a mediocre home baker with a bland cake followed up with how much better store cakes are, maybe you hurt her feelings. Yes fine 2 cakes is a good idea, but I have a feeling that this isn't as one-sided as OP is letting on.

She replied back to me! She suggested baking 2 cakes for each child. I think that she hasn't registered that I've already placed the order with a baker. Maybe she really fears that the baker's one will be better than hers. Why are these things so complicated gosh. I think that I would've even accepted the 2 cake offer if she didn't ignore DC in the first place.

Or maybe her cake will outshine yours.