Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

They sound mental, always a cake each at joint parties why wouldn’t each child have their own candles to blow out

They certainly do.

It is very tiresome indeed when certain posters identify with a thread poster's nemesis. Whether that be rightly or wrongly but most often wrongly with plentiful and continuous wilful misinterpretation and selective reading.
They take anything the OP says like a personal attack on THEMSELVES.
They go on and on, to the point where they then take over the entire thread like some sort of rabid dog with a small animal between it's teeth. On Mumsnet, projection is Queen.

You have clearly stated, on several occasions, that you have not voiced your opinions of this one person's cakes out loud but some keep speaking as if you walked up to her cake and screamed, "this tastes like shit", in front of half the town.

They go on and on, to the point where they then take over the entire thread like some sort of rabid dog with a small animal between it's teeth.

Extremely nasty post.

They take anything the OP says like a personal attack on THEMSELVES...
On Mumsnet, projection is Queen.

Ironic too.

I agree with everything you've put.
Frustrated people will anyway be triggered by details, be it a home made cake, type of delivery a woman had or having a full time nanny at home (among all the other discussion triggers I've had a chance to encounter on Mumsnet).

She’s probably feeling hurt that you rejected her offer to share and hurt that you feel that home made isn’t good enough for your son. Sounds like she can’t afford shop bought and maybe feels her son will be upset by the potential upstaging. Plus a lot of mums feel like a home made cake is a ‘mum thing’ and shows a lot of care and love. I don’t personally but I know a lot of people that do.

You might be on the right track.

I 'confronted' her at the school gate this morning.
Luckily, we were almost alone, as it was not pleasant, to put it mildly.
I asked her whether she had issues with me ordering a separate cake. I just explained that I think my son deserves a cake with a character of his liking on his special day.
Ordering from a baker makes our life easier, and that has already been arranged as we initially planned.
She almost immediately jumped onto the mum thing bandwagon, criticising corporate women prioritising their careers over childcare (I work full-time for a corporation and she seems to know it somehow) and preparing home baked fits into her vision. TBH I'm not sure what her exact job is, but I know she's part-time.
This is where the whole story ended for me as I'm not willing to waste a single second of my time on frustrated and toxic people.
I'll cancel the party and celebrate with DS at home this year and will not organise anything with her again. We've unfortunately received a good response from invited kids and parents so will take me some time to come up with an excuse.
I think that, overall, she's very much triggered by the supposed lack of her earning potential at this stage, at least that's how she resonated.
She probably tried to use home baking as an excuse to justify it.

I can see that @coupebaby comment was deleted, but it summarised everything correctly.

She sounds like a massive dick.

And mum shamer

Good call.

What is wrong with her!

Please invite some children to your party if you can. Will be such a shame for him not to have a party after all of this!

Have lots of fun!

I think you've made the right choice to cancel OP. That would be one hell of an awkward birthday party otherwise. I don't think this is about homemade cake snobbery. If she wanted to order a professionally made character cake for them to share, but didn't consider your child's wants, the issue would still be there.
FWIW, I have twins and they have their own cakes every year. I buy ones from the supermarket and decorate them according to their likes. It would be the same situation if I was making them or buying a bespoke cake - two different cakes for two different children.

This other mum seems like a bit of a nutjob tbh.

I feel a bit bad and sad about his friend. DC seems to have a lovely relationship with him.

It is sad, but entirely the fault of this nutcase.

You concentrate on your son and she can explain to hers why the plan has changed. Be careful of the yarn she'll be spinning telling the other parents why you've changed your mind!

Stick up for yourself and let them know, if they ask. Trust me, the sane people will be on your side. What a headache! X

I'll cancel the party and celebrate with DS at home this year and will not organise anything with her again. We've unfortunately received a good response from invited kids and parents so will take me some time to come up with an excuse.

@WittyOrca Well I guess the party will still go ahead won't it, for the other little boy? I assume everything is arranged and paid for now.

What will you do? Contact the other parents and let them know the party does not involve your DS now? Try to arrange something else at short notice for close friends?

@WittyOrca what a nut bag she is. Definitely ask for/demand your money back. Don't let this awful person bully you and keep your hard earned money.

Is there a whatsapp for the party? (asking as that's how parties are organised here in my kids school)

I would send a message and say, due to unforeseen circumstances DC won't be joining with the party, hope everyone has a great time.

And then message a few selected ones privately and do a small gathering - eg if the party is a saturday - ask ppl round for the sunday

I have already sent out a few WhatsApp invites/updates and explained that the party will not continue jointly due to some disagreements that we did't manage to smooth out. Surprisingly, all of them will be available within a month or so and suggested a new date. I don't think we can claim back the money, but I'll take it only as a lesson learnt for now, although we're talking about 300£ paid so far from our side (booking, catering and decorations). We also don't know if she'll go on with the party.

Blimey OP i can't believe her response to your reasoning that your DC deserves a cake of his own choosing! It's his birthday for chrissake
You've done the right thing. Can you cancel catering?

I've informed the parents inside the group already.

Don't know what to do as she hasn't cancelled anything yet.

So likely she will go ahead with it as a party for her DS only but with you having subsidised half the cost! Hope she doesn't take the opportunity to bad mouth you to all the other parents of remaining attendees. She certainly sounds like a piece of work.

Will the cake you ordered still be OK to keep for the rearranged party?

Just had a thought. Maybe she is a mumsnetter and she has taken the hump because of you dissing her cakes on here

We'd like to keep it anyway

I had the same thought! Could be indeed. Doesn't justify her actions still

I know this doesn’t help you op but I’m completely baffled! All this resentment and hand wringing over cake!

It’s strange because both homemade and bakery made have a place and neither is better than the other. Just different priorities. I always get my dc bakery cakes because a Victoria sponge is about my limit and I can’t deal with icing to save my life! I know I’ve been envious in the past at homemade cakes and the time and skill that has lovingly been put into them.

Both cakes would have shone for different reasons and to cause this much ill feeling is madness! I’m stubborn so I would have continued with the party rather than have my child lose out and lose the money I’d already paid. I can also understand why you wouldn’t want to do that though.