Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

Should’ve added this to my previous post. Two cakes would be entirely normal and absolutely expected. I went to a joint party for two cousins last weekend and they had two, and we all sung twice. Very different cakes albeit the same size, roughly.

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP re the 'mediocre baker and bland cakes' comment. I am a keen baker and have been asked to bake cakes for people but every birthday and Mother's Day my husband has a cake made at the local patisserie - utterly delicious, other wise I make my own - utterly delicious.

It sounds s if you were roped in to help with the cost of her child's party. She has a nerve accusing you (via her husband) of imposing your will on her when she has dismissed your suggestions of food and decorations. Did you tell her husband this?

I knew a couple of school mum friends since nursery who fell out over a joint party when one took over and the invites were unequal. They had children in the same class but never spoke again.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound as if it you were good friends to begin with - so no loss. In that case, either try to get out of it. Keep the decorations, go back to your original food and party bags and cake. If you can't back of of it, order the cake your child wants. It's his birthday too.

Good luck

I don't think it's uncommon to have two cakes at a joint party

She's probably a little miffed people may talk about the cake you get for your son more than the one she makes but it's cake at the end of the day it's something that's acknowledged for a moment and then forgotten and shoved at the bottom of a party bag

I do hope you didn't tell her your opinion on her cake making abilities as that is just cruel

I was being sarcastic. Sorry you didn't get it. The original problem was her child wanted A and OPs wanted B.

The other mother wouldn't budge so why should OP

The more you reply the nastier you sound I'm starting to think there's more to this "story" and it's actually you who's the problem

FFS, you both sound hard work and as bad as each other.

5 year olds don't need elaborate parties or cakes. They're happy running round room with their mates and a bunch of balloons.

Cake that comes home from parties wrapped up in kitchen paper, end up in the fridge only to be chucked out a few days later as it's forgotten about and is as hard as a rock.

It's really not worth the stress. Given it's so close just roll with it, bring your own cake and resolve to never give a joint party again.

It's a shame it's too late for you to back out of the shared party, OP (unless you were planning a smaller party at home?). But there's no problem having two separate cakes. Completely different situation, but DS went to the party of twins and they had a cake each at their party, so they both got to blow out their own candles and feel special.

this is a terrible idea from the get go but a suggestion would be two cakes of different flavours eg if she makes vanilla sponge order chocolate that way kids can get to choose between which flavours they want - and don’t repeat this joint birthday business lol

I agree. The more OP posts, the more I can see some inner nastiness snide remarks she must have made. Someone blowing her top and refusing to talk to you because you 'simply wanted to get your son his own cake' was mad and I was prepared to call the woman a CF or something but I don't think OP is as innocent as she makes herself seem. I also don't think the conversation was that simple especially if you've come so far with them to 2 weeks left. Both parties were happy to split the bill, not just them.

I have twins and do two cakes and 2 songs

She sounds like a lunatic. You are completely reasonable to get your DS his own cake. Not sure why people are having a go at you and making out that you said all homemade cakes are bland 🤷🏻‍♀️

But why are my preferences an issue? As I've mentioned several times, I never openly commented on her cakes. Whenever she offered me some, I ate it all up as I tend to do the same to whoever offers their food at parties. I texted here that I'd go for a baker option due to my family preferences and simplicity around planning and also taking my DCs wishes into account, which is my top priority and friend's mum just ignored it and wanted to push for a 1 cake for 2 option just considering her son's wish. If she offered to bake 2 cakes or 1 considering DC's wishes straight away, I might have given in, I don't know. I don't like her cakes, yes, and never told her so. It also wasn't our idea to organise a party this year and she proposed it. We tried to show initiative and cover 50% whenever possible. We never mentioned a cake up until last week and I envisioned having 1 cake for DS made by that baker anyway, but didn't say it out loud as it wasn't raised.
As I've read some of the comments, I sense as if I've triggered posters who prefer home baked and view ordering by a professional for child parties as snobbery. I find this ridiculous and completely off topic and would not like to waste time reflecting back on that. I did mention my preference for pre-ordered parties, true. Home baked can also work well and it's the organisers preference at the end of the day. If I'm being invited I'll try whatever ends up on my plate or a tissue anyway.
I appreciate comments on cake etiquette (similar sizes, decorations etc.) as I wasn't sure how it works at shared parties and that's the question I've asked.

This hit the nail on the head.

I'm also trying to understand it and realised that people have all sorts of issues.

It’s far from unreasonable for your son to have his own birthday cake. It’s his birthday! If this is her hill to die on they you can only walk away.

To be honest I don’t really understand why you’re putting up with her nonsense @WittyOrca

So many people are terrified of any conflict or confrontation that end up in a situation completely removed from what they’d like.

If I could afford it I’d just pull out. Ask for any money I paid to be returned (with no expectation of actually receiving it), and forget about it.

Your kid will not think, "Ooh, joint cake." He'll think, "That's Arthur's cake."

And that's what the other mum's thinking too.

Try this. Say, "Sure, joint cake, but my son gets to do the candles and all that first."

I suspect she'll object to that. And you'll be able to ask why.

I have twins. For a few years, when they were smaller, we did separate cakes, but honestly there was so much wastage, in the last couple of years we've gone for joint cakes and they don't seem to care.

I get that it's different when it's family though.

Why is everyone so butt-hurt over the homemade v professional thing?

This woman was trying to insist on a joint cake based solely on her son's preference. For a joint party! And is now full on sulking about it.

That's pretty shitty behaviour.

The homemade/professional part is irrelevant.

Actually, I don't have any immediate preference. As long as the cake tastes good and can be done according to preference, I'm happy with either store bought/commissioned or home made. That's all that matters. I've tasted good and bad of both so i know one isn't automatically superior to the other. Therefore I have no problem with your preference and think you're entitled to it. Like I said earlier, I felt the woman was being a CF getting annoyed with you over you wanting to have a different cake for your son.

I just don't know why this issue has been left to this point. I wouldn't be doing a joint party with anyone who's not talking to me if I'm not expecting anything/help from them (in other words, there's no choice but to continue) or if I'm the one supposedly with the financial upper hand (In other words, why should i be paying for this person's attitude as well?). I'd split ways and do my own thing for my child. Life's too short for unnecessary drama.

Exactly!

Yes!
As far as I can see, OP had gone along with all the other things that the other parents want, so if anyone is 'imposing their will'on anything, it isn't OP.
Of course each child should have their own cake.
Again, I don't see how OP taking ownership of supplying the cake for her own child is a problem.

Having negotiated a number of primary school parties, I have concluded that some parents are absolutely batshit crazy about these things and it's all about them, not what their children want.

I’ve held many “joint” birthday parties over the years, where I have funded everything bar their birthday cake. Children ALWAYS get their own cake. Blowing out the candles is special for them.
Sing Happy Birthday together, and either have “happy birthday Jack’n’Ella” or make it a competition and ask one side of the table to say Jack, and the other Ella and see which side is loudest. It’s all good fun.
(oh, and buy a traybake cake from the supermarket for party bags, use the “real” cakes for home)

I think people are just interested in whether OP tried to explain her preference for two cakes by telling the other mum what a shit baker she is 😂

Even when my children had a joint birthday party one time (birthdays 6 days apart) they each had their own birthday cake, my daughter's was my little pony themed & my son's cake was ninja turtles.
I would back out her son's party and have one for your son with his own cake and things that he loves!