Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

I’m going to play devils advocate and maybe she feels like because you’ve not really voiced any opinion until this point, she’s had to do all the work and now you want to outshine her in some small way. I’m not saying it’s reasonable, it just comes across to me that way that you maybe weren’t very proactive so she’s annoyed you’re stepping in at the last hurdle.

I would find it really weird that the kids had to share a cake, so I would insist on separate ones, but as some kind of compromise could you get one from a supermarket and have a fancy one for at home?

Just tell her you've already ordered your cake now and you want to save her the hassle. Really just keep it short and simple: "Hi Debbie, thanks for the offer but DC has chosen his cake now and I've ordered it now and will pick up on Tuesday. Looking forward to the party!"

Nothing wrong with shop bought cake at all BTW.

I would absolutely not back out of the party at this late stage, you'll end up looking like the llama drama not her.

Have shared parties with two other lovely families in the past. We all agreed to share a cake ordered from a bakery with the same theme.
If one of the families suggested separate cakes that would have been fine too. Some things are not worth arguing about.

Hopefully she has realised it is not worth falling out over and your kids have a fun party.
I guess you know not to share a party with that family again!

As it goes, they wanted a certain venue on a certain date, which actually overlaps with their DC's birth date. The venue wasn't to our taste, but we didn't object. I also arranged for the food catering, also not from a company I suggested, they wanted a cheaper option so I also didn't complain. They rejected my party favours proposal and ordered what they wanted, also due to costs. What I didn't like about the cake was the fact that she said that her DC wants character A, shared a photo saying 'I'll make this for both DC'. I only replied saying looks cool (never commenting on whether I like or don't like her cakes), but my DC said that he wants a cake with character B so we would prefer having a cake separately for DC. She then got mad and stopped the communication until this latest reply

I think joint parties can be really tricky!

We were so lucky to have these with a very easy going family for my dd’s 3 and 4 birthdays but it can get nasty so easily if people have fixed ideas or, as in your co-host’s case, a hidden agenda

If she won't even talk to you because she's not getting her own way then you should abandon the idea of a joint birthday. Don't do anything to appease her. Your son will barely get a look in at his own party.

We always had separate cakes though as of course people want to have something their own child chooses!

I don't know as I had a feeling that I was reasonably proactive (described in details in my post above). We have a WhatsApp chat where we're arranging for everything. It was mostly her husband who was doing the actual work TBH (ordering, searching for what she wants, buying). She was the one who proposed ideas

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, but I don't mind as I want to appease DC.

How do you know she got mad? If you were talking via text?

Ps nothing wrong with wanting separate cakes!

She probably wants to hit you with the bill for making your DC birthday cake and you will end up paying for all the party costs to 'balance it out'! I would get your DC their own cake and tell her its been organised/made by a family member.

Doesn't want to greet us or talk to us when we drop off DC at school. DC and his friend are in the same class. We normally chat quite a bit in the morning. Her husband still greets, but doesn't want to communicate the way he used to. We tried initiate discussion with her, but she just ignores us. That's how I got to conclusion that she's mad at us. Not sure if mad is an appropriate word

I'm remembering the combined birthday party we had when my son was six. Three boys with summer birthdays so much easier to have one end of term party for the class. One family offered to arrange it at a venue and we all chipped in; I was surprised how much it still cost split three ways to be honest. But it was nice not to have to organise much and left me able to have fun making a birthday cake. We definitely had three cakes and I've no idea if the others were home made shop bought or professional. I do though remember that one friend saw the piano cake I'd made and immediately pretended to play it which made me very happy.

I always make my own cakes as we have allergies and I want to be able to eat some myself.

The most successful combined parties are when expectations are both low key and fully aligned I think. Two of my nieces with birthdays a few days apart had several consecutive birthday parties joint with another family in a local park. With a five year age gap there were two separate sets of friends, a variety of low key activities and the one or two I got to were very much extended afternoon picnics. But great fun and flexible. The older two then ran a small party organising business as young teenagers for a while...

We've done a lot of joint parties with dc1 (3 days between him and one of his best friends) but we've only ever had one cake. However, it's always been a massive one from Costco and they've picked the theme/flavour/icing together.

I wouldn't be happy with a mediocre baker making her kid a cake and expecting me to cover half the cost. I imagine the comparison may be uncomfortable too if you have a fabulous one from a professional and she has a more substandard offering.

Besides the massive costco cake, I always make my dc one for the family celebration and depending on what's going on, they may have another one from the fantastic local bakers.

Maybe she thought you were asking her to make two cakes instead of one? (Rather than understanding you were going to bring the one for your DC).

Def 2 cakes for a joint party.
I did once have an embarrassing issue re very different size cakes but we laughed about it. She seems uptight.

Birthdays in our class are always joint parties but each child has their own cake.

I'd say it was clear from the start as she initiated the cake discussion saying that her son wanted that particular cake (she shared an image).

To avoid the problem, I've described the cake size and decorations to her as she seems triggered by it, but I don't see an issue if the cakes are entirely different in size. I just want to make DC happy.

How on earth is she proposing to go ahead with joint party if she won’t speak to you?

I think you need to ask her directly for the money back as you’re clearly no longer going to be able to do this.

There is no way my kid would be having a joint party then.

I'd rather lose the money then carry on.

She sounds awful

I understand your point, the only thing that bothers me now, is embarrassing myself. As somebody noted above, I might come across as a drama queen. The invites have been distributed already and we're expecting a pretty big number of kids and parents. How to navigate through this situation and not make a clown of myself? Make up a sudden DC's illness?

I think you are going to have to suck it up.

Either you can tell her to make your dc a cake which you can distribute at the party in the bags and then use the one you ordered at home for a family tea.

Or you have to just tell her, dc has picked a cake and you've already ordered.

Get through the party and then don't do a joint party again 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can't believe someone would act like this over a cake - unless you've been talking to someone else and it's got back to her that you don't like her cakes or there is more to it or she has other shit going on in her life you don't know about 🤷🏻‍♀️

My kids had some joint parties when they were 3-6 and they actually shared the cake with their friend. I would have been fine about separate cakes but it’s what we decided and the kids were fine with it. But the parent in each case was a friend of mine and we communicated really well - we didn’t mind compromising on some areas for the ease of a shared party. And yes a big motivation was expense!