Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

I've never commented on her cakes. We're not that close and there was no occasion to do that. I also wouldn't do it unless she asked for honest feedback.

The cost has luckily not been an issue for us (it will become if we have to organise parties every year as we have a 3yo DC2), but I would've probably given in to her doing all the baking if she was considerate about my son's preferences in the first place. I've been rethinking my reaction and this triggered me.

Take this opportunity to say you’re going to do your own thing for his bday.

I had a 3-way joint party as a kid and so many people there didn’t know my name and my turn to be sung to was a wet squib 😂 lasting memory!

I've got similar childhood memories and I don't want DC to feel the same.

It does sound as if you can afford more than she can. There's probably some inverse snobbery in her pride of wanting to bake cakes versus order professionally, if she's had to downgrade a couple of things you suggested due to the costs.

I appreciate your dilemma!

However, this mother isn't even speaking to you! I can imagine on the day, her child will be the main focus or she will try to engineer it that way. If you have the courage, go ahead, but make sure you walk in there letting your child (and guests) make a huge fuss of your child too. Have lots of fun and talk to the people you get on well with and pay her no attention.

If you can't face that, I really would say to her that having a joint party when she is ignoring you is now unworkable. Send a message to the people attending to let them know it is just X's party (no explanation needed) but at least they know not to get a gift. Then arrange another party just for your child. A really good one with 100 cakes!! Good luck!

I've got a feeling that we somehow hurt her pride, which has to do with her baking skills. They seem to be doing fine financially, or at least their lifestyle is not cheap. It's hard to judge this as some people live beyond their means and try to save money on trivial things.

A good suggestion😄

It has to be separate cakes so that they both get to blow out their own candles!

I heard advice recently that I liked, which was along the lines of "when in conflict, try to find a way of saying yes to that person." That's NOT advice to roll over and not stand up for yourself, but just that psychologically, people tend to deescalate if we can find a way of agreeing to or with them about something. So could you maybe ask them to make cupcakes for the party bags? A traybake for the adults to have with their coffee or tea? Even though its something extra that you don't actually want and even though you've made your opinions on her baking perfectly clear to us here, clearly she feels hurt that you don't want her baking... so in order to keep the peace, why not find a way that you can say yes please to her baking, that doesn't compromise your desire for a professional cake for your DS? If might just be the thing that smooths relations enough to get through this thing.

An interesting suggestion! I'll think about it.

I have twins and it's been separate cakes since about 3 yrs old. Alternating turns every year to remember who blew out candles first!

Competing over who has the most elaborate cake is just crazy! We have hosted and attended joint parties where one child has a super fancy cake baked by a professional and the one next to them has a supermarket cake, the third has a homemade cake (from a family that do not bake regularly). There has been no judgement from the guests!

We all have our preferences and budgets and provide accordingly. I don't spend on professional cakes for kids parties because the cake is not usually appreciated (beyond admiring how it looks) whereas I will if serving to adults. Its my personal preference

2 cakes! I'm shocked you think a home baked cake is bland! Yabu here as they nicer than shop bought even posh shop bought.

Joint parties are quite normal in soft play places were they can be booked as private event and 2 classmates are close birthdays.

But they've always been separate cakes ime. Then each cake equally shared out between guests. It's pot luck which bit you take home!

Can you try and corner dad at pick up and say, look, I don't know what's happened here. Can you help me understand as won't it be a shame for us to have a strained party? She might be hoping you'll just back out now (having paid for half of stuff) and once she realises you are not planning on doing that, she might buck up her ideas a bit. Or not. If she continues to be so unpleasant, I would be tempted to really go to town with your DC's cake... sparkler candles perhaps! You'll be through with this soon, and will be more discerning next time.

I agree. I also don't understand it. Cake will be served to parents too, but as I've said, I just want to make DC feel happy on his day. Ordering a cake also makes my life easier.

That's personal. I prefer professionally prepared cakes for parties (2x per year). As a rule of thumb, they taste better to me and save my time (not money). It doesn't necessarily mean that home baked ones are bland, but if I can afford it, I'll keep ordering from specialised businesses locally.
I've tried friend's mum cakes on a few occasions and didn't like it (mildly put). They were also not well received by other parents (she used to bake cakes for picnics and parties before) as they usually take little bit and do not want extra
(subjective impression I know). For well prepared cakes this is not the case. For that reason, on the top of her ignorance of my DC, I don't mind spending extra money on a cake from a trusted and tested baker.

2 cakes at a shared party is normal.

Both parents "going mad" over tiny little details is not. Neither of you gets the moral high ground here. Her side will probably have you doing very little in terms of planning and then suddenly going OTT.

I don't think you should have joint parties in future, you aren't cut out for it and neither is she.

If this is what she's like before the party, what's she going to be like on the day? 😬

Although there's more to this ... kids won't even think about whether a birthday cake is bland!

Compromise could be to order your DS a cake from the supermarket? M&S or Waitrose if you want something a bit special. That way you’re not showing up a home baker with a professional cake. It’ll taste good. The kids don’t care anyway. Do the pro one at home where the spend will be properly appreciated.

Probably yes, although doing it jointly wasn't my idea!

Supermarkets didn't cross my mind so I've already placed an order with the baker. The cost is surprisingly about the same.

I know, but it comes down to choice. They will
not care about other snacks neither, but some parents will order them from fancy stores or bakeries.