Is it unreasonable for both parents to attend kids party

[DinoNuggetsRUs]

I'm afraid I've made a faux pas! But it's too late now...

My son has made a little friend at nursery and the mum asked us if we wanted to attend his 4th birthday party. This is my first kids birthday party and I'm not entirely sure on etiquette surrounding them.

She text me with the invite and I text back saying we'd love to come - is it ok for my husband to tag along as I wanted to check it was ok space wise and it's absolutely fine if not we'll be able to attend either way.

She typed a little bit and then didn't reply so now because I overthink EVERYTHING I thought, oh dear, was it wrong of me to ask? Then I googled it and a lot of people say it's weird for both parents to attend.

Further info - it's a party at home (which is think is worse for my case!) and it's mainly their family attending, I don't think there are going to be any other nursery kids there. Also I am heavily pregnant and running round after a 3 year old is proving pretty difficult for me at the minute. I've only seen her once, I am visibly pregnant but it is possible she might not have noticed...

I'm really upset with myself that I might have ruined my first potential school mum buddy by looking like a CF and debating whether to text again and say husbands actually busy on that day anyway so won't be able to attend so I haven't put her in a position where she needs to say no.

I'm not that poster but no, never asked. We do not have to ask to attend a public location and it would be serious 'partyzilla' entitlement to think you could tell other adults they can't.

We often take our younger child if its at the soft play (9 out of 10 parties now a days are) to as would would take her there anyway on a standard weekend. We pay her in and pay and she does not eat with the party (we get her a snack) or expect a party bag. Its a public place and perfectly normal, we need both of us so one can go with the party when called to the other room and the other can stay with her. Its no different than any other member of the public.

Parents aren't being fed or paid for in activities and actually add to the number of supervision required by most party companies (making up for parents that are rude enough to ditch and run assuming everyone else will supervise their kid) so what on earth would you be asking permission for.

@AsherrainYeah but this is MN where most people can't stand their partners and dread spending time with their kids, not to mention having to interact with other parents.

Honestly don’t overthink this. She maybe got busy with her own toddler so didn’t finish typing. I’ve been to a few kids parties around same age and I’m suprised how many times both parents attend (one couple I know do everything together and if they have extended family visiting bring them too! I’ve no idea if they ask the host) when I hosted I pre-empted thus by saying just one parent please for space, but if someone had texted what you said I’d have been totally fine with you both coming. Why not message again, explain why but say it’s not a big deal if space limited and you’ll manage

Sorry but that is so rude! Would you honestly say that or is this just a MN thing where everyone says they’re super confrontational?!

I think if it's at someone's home it's a bit of an imposition if it risks overcrowding a home. Otherwise, crack on, the only thing that makes these events bearable is bringing along some good company.

Actually it is better to find out now, if this woman is petty minded, rather than build a friendship up then be bemused that it has ended over something trivial that you did not see coming.

Parenting is a minefield and so are navigating "mum friends" you want to weed out the energy suckers early. If she falls out with you for that then it really really is not worth bothering with. Someone less "work" will come along. Because having to analyse every thought and action over one person is exactly that, you need that energy for your children not for a grown woman.

I think that given your son is the ONLY nursery child attending a predominantly family party, I’d have asked the same thing. I personally can’t imagine anything worse than sitting in a room full of family members as the only “outsider”, especially pregnant and worrying that I would be unable to supervise my child adequately. The party is hardly going to be overrun with parents as yours is the only one invited.

Half of you are saying you'd drop your 4 year old with a bunch of people you barely know and your child definitely doesn't know them! Or you'd expect another parent to do this!
They absolutely need a parent there with them at 4 years old.

i wasnt around my 4 year old when he was at school

At our school mostly both parents go and siblings are explicitly invited. It’s a social event for adults too, usually with adult food and drink set out separately. Parents in general are very sociable at the school.

I don’t think you can generalise about this, each school or even class will have its way of doing things.

I think just use a bit of common sense in future. At home, close family = clearly a small affair and 1 parent that she has met.

Hall or soft play, both adults are fine, I think most people recognise that a lot of families will tack on errands and visiting family before or after anyway.

I don’t think it’s weird at all 🤷🏻‍♀️where I am, lots of couples go and it’s very normal. We do a combination of both of us, just me or just Dh. We tend to do both of us when it’s our friends hosting or a neighbour etc and if it’s someone I don’t know from school, I try to send Dh 🤣

We normally went together if the party was at a venue eg village hall, soft play but only I went if it was at someone's home - though by the time dc is about 6 you can just drop them off. Dd2 has her 6th birthday at her grandparents house - we were living there too - and she invited all 25 children in the class. Imagine if 40+ adults had to fit in a moderately sized house! Only 1 parent stayed and another parent didn't pick up their dd for over an hour after the party finished.

We haven’t really done home parties except for family ones but if invited to a party usually in an activity location we both go, most parents both mums and dads go to these that we have been too, I only went to one alone and felt awkward as I didn’t know anyone, my son was the only boy to be invited and it was because the girl had a crush, I was introduced around as if it was meet the parents and they were getting married (son 8) no way I’ll go on my own again 😂

If she’s going to get weird about you simply asking (and in the very easy going way you did) then she’s not someone you want to be ‘mum buddies’ with anyway. You've done nothing wrong.

I don’t see anything wrong with both parents attending a party with their LO, space allowing. Parties for children are as much an opportunity for parents to mingle/socialise as it is for the kids. When we have parties for our LO I would have no issues with one or both turning up. If anything I would encourage dads to turn up and meet one another. As mentioned above, lack of space is a reasonable reason to have a ‘one parent’ rule but that’s not going to be the case every time and if it is then the invite should say that (I.E. one parents only please). No one can expect all new parents to know this apparent ‘etiquette’ that only one parent attends!

If both parents are needed then fair enough. But usually they end up taking up too much space! I think it's quite normal for younger kids where the couples all know each other, but definitely unusual for school age kids.

Well I was today's years old when I discovered you're not supposed to go to a birthday party with the other parent 😬.

I never knew this was a thing. Some families always come with both parents at my kid's primary school whilst others don't.

The reason I find it weird is the party is for the child and often very dull for grown ups which is why lift shares and drop and go becomes the norm as they get older. Once you’ve spent a reception year going to a million parties you’ll realise why people tend to not double up.

In the same way that sometimes you’ll find a kid has gone to a&e with parents plus extended family like it’s some sort of day out.

You've nailed it with the point about not wanting to endure the torture alone!

Absolutely. I would think my little kitchen can only possibly squeeze in an extra 10 people, so that’s 5 party friends and 5 parents. There is NO room for another 5 adults who have no need to be there.

If you can't tell the difference between leaving your kid at school (a place with qualified and trained child caregivers and a fuck tonne of safe gaurding protocols that are legally upheld) and leaving them in a public or private space with a random bunch of completely unvetted strangers and probably unsuitable supervision from an adult trying to host then frankly you really shouldn't be making choices in the interest of children.

No one else has mentioned but personally I find it weird to turn a family party into one with nursery friends too.

We would have two different occasions. It would also be very unexpected to host a children's party in your house. Everyone hires entertainment in a hall or books an activity. Never would any of us entertain a group of children at home.

As they get older and wish to have friends come to play then thats common, one or our daughters just had 4 girls for a sleepover.

Then why have a party at home? Surely the solution is to have it somewhere people do fit, what child wants a party so constrained?

You are overthinking this. Don't worry both go and enjoy. If anyone is funny just say you are going on somewhere else after.
Loads of couples attended together when ours were young. Never gave it a second thought.

Not everyone can afford to hire a space for a child's party. That doesn't mean the child doesn't deserve a celebration.