Is it unreasonable for both parents to attend kids party

[DinoNuggetsRUs]

I'm afraid I've made a faux pas! But it's too late now...

My son has made a little friend at nursery and the mum asked us if we wanted to attend his 4th birthday party. This is my first kids birthday party and I'm not entirely sure on etiquette surrounding them.

She text me with the invite and I text back saying we'd love to come - is it ok for my husband to tag along as I wanted to check it was ok space wise and it's absolutely fine if not we'll be able to attend either way.

She typed a little bit and then didn't reply so now because I overthink EVERYTHING I thought, oh dear, was it wrong of me to ask? Then I googled it and a lot of people say it's weird for both parents to attend.

Further info - it's a party at home (which is think is worse for my case!) and it's mainly their family attending, I don't think there are going to be any other nursery kids there. Also I am heavily pregnant and running round after a 3 year old is proving pretty difficult for me at the minute. I've only seen her once, I am visibly pregnant but it is possible she might not have noticed...

I'm really upset with myself that I might have ruined my first potential school mum buddy by looking like a CF and debating whether to text again and say husbands actually busy on that day anyway so won't be able to attend so I haven't put her in a position where she needs to say no.

Just remembered my daughter's 12th birthday party at a climbing place. Two sets of parents came, settled down in the cafe and enjoyed coffee, cake and socialising with other parents. I thought it was nice that they treated it like a fun afternoon out. Who doesn't enjoy going for a coffee and cake?

Surely it depends on the age of the child and the location of the party. We have started getting our first nursery party invites, DS is nearly 2.5, the parties are for kids turning 3, and so far all have been at a venue rather than someone's house.

DH and I both want to go to the one we've got on saturday because it's DS's first invite, and we are both friends with both parents, and it's at a venue, so why not.

But also if you are hosting at your house and space is limited why wouldn't you say that on the invite, rather than leaving people to guess? Don't expect people to mind read (when it's quite clear from this thread there is no set standard) and then be annoyed when both turn up.

I was very surprised when two parents turned up at DSs fourth bday which we had at home, along with a younger sibling. They did bring wine though.

I don’t think it’s weird at all and I wouldn’t think to ask. Taking extra siblings is out of order though.

We took it in turns to endure the torture. Never went together because that’s weird. We are now in the realms of dump and run, so much better!

I've read quite a few threads on this. Generally I think the consensus is preschool parties are more likely to have both parents attend but that reduces to one parent as they go through school. We often go as a couple. It's a nice opportunity for us both to get to know other mums and dads. We moved to the area so don't know that many people and it's a lovely way to meet other parents. Plus neither of us want to miss out on seeing our pre schooler interacting with friends and having a lovely time. But we are very much a 'family activities at weekends' sort of family, while both work during the week. I think there are other families where this is not the case and it's seen as a chore to take a child to a party (perhaps if they've been at home with the kid all week) and the other parent gets a rest to do a hobby or whatever. You should be true to yourself. Your message was perfectly polite. It's often a sea of mums at these things and the odd dad there can be grateful to see another man to chat to.

This, I was going yo suggest breaking the silence with a text like this, I'm sure it will be fine, just say I'd love to see you but .... etc

I personally do not find it odd when both parents turn up but I guess we are all different. I can understand too why you asked. I would message her and explain about the not being able to chase an active 3 year old about. As she knows you and I presume not your husband and this is at her house she should appreciate why you didn't want to send him in your stead.

We only go as a pair if we’re friends with the parents, otherwise we share them between us and go solo. However, I don’t think it’s weird to go as a pair, never crossed my mind that it might be odd.

I'm 11 years into parties and can't think of a single one where both I and dh have attended together.
Its certainly not the norm around here

This is what it usually means in my area. My children are now 10 and 7 and it's the controlling husbands mostly.

I 100% agree with this.

We take it in turns. Maybe I can suggest that you have set the bar very low for not even considering that a man takes his own child to a party?

I don't understand why people say children's parties are 'family time' the children should be playing with their friends at the party. A successful party is when you have very little to do with them as they're having so much fun.

I know one family who say that weekends are 'family time' but it's just a cover because the dad doesn't like the mum going anywhere without him as he's insanely jealous. We went trick or treating last year, 4 mums and the children and he called her about 5 times to 'check' how she was. He tells anyone who listens at these parties though how he is amazing as he wants to spend so much time with his kids.

With our first child we would both go if the party was in a hall or soft play. My husband didn’t do many nursery runs etc and was keen to meet some other parents. Most other couples did the same (parties at houses were unusual but only one of us would go to them).

when we had our second, we took it in turns. I didn’t take non-invited child to hall/house parties, too awkward.

Soft play, I’d pay the non-invited child in (and there was usually a sibling of another guest they could play with).

MN hates parents doing things together. Parties, going to the supermarket, doing the nursery or school drop-off or pick-up or any other day-to-day stuff.

I don’t ’hate’ it. I just really don’t get it.
Why would you bother to waste your time with it? Surely one of you could be doing something more useful with your time than traipsing round supermarkets or suffering through a kids birthday party. 🤷🏼‍♀️

We like spending time together. We like chatting to each other on the way back from the school run or picking up the kids together. We like going places together, even if they're 'boring' places. We don't always do it, of course not, but we don't really view those things as terrible things to be avoided or that one person has to be 'saved' from. They're just life things, and they're often more enjoyable when we do them together. I don't really get the sense of dread when it comes to parties or school runs or supermarket trips, so maybe that's why 🤷‍♀️

Weird & I’d be annoyed if two parents turned up at my house for a small child’s birthday.

I wouldn't worry too much either way, it doesn't sound like a big deal. If you're an overthinker, be aware that party mum will be dealing with food / timings / activities on the day and may not have time to talk to you. Having hosted and attended 4th birthday parties it's no reflection on you she's probably just busy, and frankly I wouldn't want to be faffing with back and forth about plus ones for parents I barely knew. If you want to foster a friendship for the children, back off with the messages now, then after the party message to thank her for a lovely party and suggest a play date one weekend.

I mean I might think it’s slightly weird especially for a party at home and I might be worried about space and catering for another person, but I don’t necessarily think it’s rude of you or a huge issue.
She may have been meaning for parents not to stay at all if there are a lot of adults from the family there? But that would be slightly unusual for a party for such a young child. And if that’s the case she should she been clearer.
I was also wondering if she typed something then didn’t respond if she might think she has sent it but actually hasn’t? That’s happened to me a few times.
Anyway I see you’ve texted again and that seems perfectly acceptable and all should be fine now don’t worry

Me and my husband always go. I think it’s 50/50 round here as to whether 1 or 2 parents go.

It would be very strange around here. There’s only one family that does this, and it is commented on by others.

Sorry, but I always think it's a bit weird when both parents turn up to children's parties. It's not a family day out

THIS

However, with my circle of mum friends we always invite siblings and partners, some people do & some don’t.

to be honest she probably has 100 & 1 things to do so I wouldn’t worry that you haven’t heard back yet. Will you see her again before the party, maybe you can explain that you’re pregnant and it’s hard work, or if your husband bring your child alone instead
as others said. Just chill these things work out

I don’t know when this became a thing tbh. When mine were little, it was as common place for 2 parents to come as it was for just 1. Nobody batted an eyelid. I honestly can’t imagine what it must be like for parents of toddlers now constantly trying to ascertain what is socially acceptable.