Is it unreasonable for both parents to attend kids party

[DinoNuggetsRUs]

I'm afraid I've made a faux pas! But it's too late now...

My son has made a little friend at nursery and the mum asked us if we wanted to attend his 4th birthday party. This is my first kids birthday party and I'm not entirely sure on etiquette surrounding them.

She text me with the invite and I text back saying we'd love to come - is it ok for my husband to tag along as I wanted to check it was ok space wise and it's absolutely fine if not we'll be able to attend either way.

She typed a little bit and then didn't reply so now because I overthink EVERYTHING I thought, oh dear, was it wrong of me to ask? Then I googled it and a lot of people say it's weird for both parents to attend.

Further info - it's a party at home (which is think is worse for my case!) and it's mainly their family attending, I don't think there are going to be any other nursery kids there. Also I am heavily pregnant and running round after a 3 year old is proving pretty difficult for me at the minute. I've only seen her once, I am visibly pregnant but it is possible she might not have noticed...

I'm really upset with myself that I might have ruined my first potential school mum buddy by looking like a CF and debating whether to text again and say husbands actually busy on that day anyway so won't be able to attend so I haven't put her in a position where she needs to say no.

I’d leave it and if heavily pregnant, I’d just send my husband 😆 and ask him to make my excuses! Why would you both go when just one will do? I know where I’d rather be..

It’s absolutely fine to ask. She is being annoying by not answering- don’t tie yourself in a knot worrying as probably she just got halfway through typing an answer and then got distracted and forgot. You haven’t committed some awful faux pas.

Goodness, since when has another child’s birthday party been a family day out?

This op.
Please try not to over think it.

Kids parties are usually one parent as it’s a party for the child, not the adults (unless stated otherwise) and continues like that until the child is old enough to be dropped and left (much debate on what age that is!)

if you’re struggling, send your husband. You will be invited to a lot of them over the years so get into the habit of sharing it now so it’s not all you!

And if you think you can manage it, go.. its a good chance to meet other parents.

good luck with the birth of your baby and congrats!!

General rule of thumb - if it's a house then 1 parent attends, if it's a hall then it's up to you. I do, I confess, always find it weird when both parents show up. But then I also find it weird when both parents do the school run every single day. And hold hands on the way there and back. Might start another thread about that...

It really depends on the party. Preschool friends - one parent and no siblings unless explicitly invited. Friend friends - would normally both go if both free.

The child is four. At four, it's usual for the kids and parents to basically be the same social circle. It's genuinely weird to think that an event for a child isn't an event for anyone else. Or that kids only like kids. When my DS was that age, he liked many of the adults as much as the kids in our circle and all of the kids really liked me. The birthday parties we hosted and went to, were proper social events that were about all in attendance. It was only when the kids got older and were having parties in activity venues that parties became mostly a child only thing. But at that, it's still normal for many parents to prefer to stay and have a chat through the party.

I think it depends on the friend group/school tbh, when my kids were little both parents always attended but the whole friendship group was couples anyway so it would have been weird if suddenly for parties only 1 parent turned up.
In your case if you're the only friend going I'd say it would be reasonable to take your DH because presumably the host will be hosting, DC will be playing and you'll be left on your own. It would also be weird to send DH on his own if he never met the mum.

Oh god I’d have never have thought this could be an issue. Thankfully DD is only 2 so the only parties we’ve gone to are family friends but good to know in advance of any nursery invites.

Op she’s just tried to save it like you did. She didn’t get distracted. How difficult is it to say no worries when already typing.

the thing to remember is it’s a party for the kids, not you. You’re not the invitee. The whole we’d love to come thing. It’s he’d love to come. And a guardian goes too. If you’re not able. Then your husband goes instead.

Sometimes it’s better to try read the room though than believe every host thinks it’s as lovely as you do to take your husband aswell 🫣 When you’ve accounted food for adults/kids and those 1-2 parents who rudely take their other half or rest of their kids along, it can be a major eye roll moment for the hosts and its also typically noticed by others there who actually can manage to take their kid to a party by themselves 😂

Lots of parents turn up together at kids parties. Nothing strange. But you are getting quite upset about it so perhaps you could benefit from help with anxiety?

In her defence, if she’s anything like me she possibly did. I find so many half typed or unsent message responses to people because my kids are annoying little bickering asswipes a lot of the time or ask for food or help with something etc so yeah there’s always a chance she wasn’t lying if she’s anything like me 😂

@Smartiepants79
I just can’t really understand why any family would want to waste 2 adults time on attending a child’s party. There is about 20 things I could think of doing that are either more interesting or more useful.

Totally agree, all this twee nonsense 'we love to see our little one have fun' 'it's family time'
I've raised 4DC and there was always much eye rolling at the couples turning up usually with the performative parenting and constant oh look you have a balloon shrieks.

I've never given it a moments thought but on reflection we always fly solo and most people do. For parties at home it was always tricky if both parents, sometimes with siblings, turned up as you generally cater for the kids and offer drinks to the parents. It's easier when they get to the 'drop and go' stage imo.

But that said I wouldn't have thought less of a couple for coming together, I expect she started to reply, got distracted and forgot...I do this ALL the time 🤣

Absolutely!… It’s very weird and a little bit pathetic to go as a couple. They’re shit obligations, so why would you.l both want to endure that?

We used to take turns. Then as soon as they turned 6 we’d drop and run! I had well behaved kids though

Yes, that’s the other issue. When both parents attend and they have more than one child then they’re bringing extra kids too, which is definitely not ok unless the invitation states that siblings are welcome (which would be rare). A child’s party is not a family day out.

The family I mentioned above have two children, and bring both children to all the parties, without asking if it is ok.

Last year one of my DGC had a party at home as they have a big garden and it was in the summer . DD was amazed when a child appeared with both parents and 2 siblings ! The father started hoovering up the food and was less than happy when my SIL quietly asked him to remember it was for the children ! They had offered parents tea/coffee and biscuits but apparently he was hungry !

I expect you’ll be starting a lot of threads over the coming years Op on the basis of this one

Don't overthink it!! I would think absolutely nothing of receiving that kind of message. She probably started typing and was distracted well by her nearly 4 year old!
I can't remember the last time I could type a full message uninterrupted with my preschoolers here, just typing this my DD3 is shouting mummy from the other room.
That's a good second message you sent, if space is limited she will be glad there's not too many adults, and understand you need help as v pregnant.

I agree with this. I attended on my own but others attended as a couple and I never thought anything of it. When I had a party for my little one mam and dad showed up for some kids and then the dads made friends with my DH. I completely think you are overthinking this but If no it's not a friend you want anyway. You should be able to be yourself around your friends X

I think some folks think it’s a party for them. The op responded we would love to come. The parent is only there as a guardian, they are not an invitee. It is a party for the kids. And many peoples houses don’t have the space for all the adults turning up too, it just makes the whole thing stressful.

I find it really rude to ask to bring someone to a party, doesn’t matter if a kid or an adult, the invite is for the person invited, not the whole family/

I would say 90% of parties my daughter attended until year 4 both parents if could turned up, it then became a parent social able as well as the kids party. It was a great way of getting to know other parents/new friends

I should have added in my post that the father who was devouring the food asked for beer rather than tea/coffee !

I’m Indian and my expectation is always that both parents and siblings attend - I hate having to specify it because it’s normal, natural. Kids parties should be a family day out - it’s how we help our kids build and foster social connections.