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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

187 replies

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:22

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

OP posts:
Movinghouseatlast · 07/10/2024 10:26

I think it sounds like you don't like this woman at all. If you dislike someone, don't be their 'bridesmaid'.

everythingcrossed · 07/10/2024 10:26

I enjoy a wedding but this sounds too much like hard work. Either brazen it out and refuse to get outfit approval or don't go. It sounds as if you will lose this "friend" whichever option you choose.

Roryno · 07/10/2024 10:28

Movinghouseatlast · 07/10/2024 10:26

I think it sounds like you don't like this woman at all. If you dislike someone, don't be their 'bridesmaid'.

There doesn’t sound like there is much to like, does there! Definitely a bridezilla.

Allfur · 07/10/2024 10:29

She sounds unhinged

Darby3785 · 07/10/2024 10:29

I've never sent a photo to a bride to be on what I'm planning to wear to her wedding.

If you're a "bridesmaid" then you should have been included in the official wedding party and not put on the outside like a reserve!

Sounds controlling and very much the actions of a bridezilla!

What would be the consequences of not going to the wedding? I'd be tempted to not go if a friend was treating me this way! It is too much hard work!

speedmop · 07/10/2024 10:30

ah a classic mumsnet wedding scenario

horrible bride
bitchiness
no one seems to like one another let alone love one another
and no doubt a pretty ghastly wedding to boot

shudder

speedmop · 07/10/2024 10:30

You need new “friends” OP

Cyclistmumgrandma · 07/10/2024 10:31

Don't get it approved! Nothing wrong with wearing something you can wear again. Son just got married. Him in highly posh military formal uniform, only allowed for his wedding or meeting royalty, bride in traditional (expensive) wedding dress... Her mother in nice dress she could wear again, me in velvet jumpsuit second hand from Vinted. Only compliments from happy couple on both our outfits! Wear what you a) can afford, and b) feel comfortable in.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/10/2024 10:31

Get some self respect and tell Bridezilla you'll be too busy to attend.

Ridiculous that you'd allow anyone to treat you like that.

Surely no-one's that desperate for friends?

Pixiewombat · 07/10/2024 10:31

A couple of people wore black to my wedding as they wanted to have more use out of the clothes. I didn't disappear in a puff of smoke.

This sounds all a bit controlling.

KnottedTwine · 07/10/2024 10:32

I have been to dozens of weddings over the decades and have never, ever been asked to run what I intend wearing past the bride. Not even when my sister got married.

Dotto · 07/10/2024 10:32

Her actions indicate that she doesn't like you very much, you're only there for the photos presumably. Not even getting fed! Fuck that.

snowlady4 · 07/10/2024 10:34

Presumesbly you want to go to this wedding, (although dear knows why, it doesn't sound very enjoyable)... so I would just try to relax about it a bit. Yes I'd be thrilled to pop and see you the morning of wedding, can't wait to see you in your dress, got my hair appointment at xyz so I'll be there at X time, after I've had breakfast! Don't get too worked up.
Unless you think your clothing is for some reason unsuitable, don't send her a picture- you know she's going to say something derogatory, just don't put yourself in that position.
Hope you do have a lovely day.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 07/10/2024 10:35

Fuck me that's ridiculous

Shapewear for a size 14 is unacceptable ???

Give up your whole morning but not even invited to the dinner ??

Wedding outfit approval ??

Forget asking her permission on the dress, I'd be telling her I wasn't going at all!

Naunet · 07/10/2024 10:35

Ugh, I wouldn’t be going, I can’t stand all this ridiculous behaviour. No, don’t send her pictures of what you are going to wear, and don’t spend the whole morning at her house if it’s not convenient for you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2024 10:36

Just decline the invitation. You don’t appear to much like each other and if she doesn’t know you’ve put on a lot of weight since she last saw you, she clearly isn’t somebody you have to see very often, anyway.

Cynic17 · 07/10/2024 10:38

Black to a wedding is actually very chic, eg Italian weddings, where the bride in white then really stands out amongst all the black dresses.
But I have never heard of a bride checking out the guests' outfits. I'd be tempted to send her a "suitable" picture, and then turn up on the day in jeans and a T shirt (which is fine, if that's what you want to wear - a bride should only wish for her guests to be comfortable and enjoying themselves, tbh).
I also wouldn't be going to her house at 8am if I'm not an actual bridesmaid - what a waste of time!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 07/10/2024 10:38

Can you get your hair done at her house? Get together with the others and organise a mobile hairdresser to do you all?

But getting the dress 'approved' is daft.

Brefugee · 07/10/2024 10:40

save yourself all the hassle, decline the invitation, encourage the other 2 friends to do the same, and all 3 of you go out somewhere fun on that day.

PinkyFlamingo · 07/10/2024 10:40

Why are you letting this woman walk all over you?

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 07/10/2024 10:42

Fuck me.

Hasn't that other thing come up, OP? That private, urgent, more important than a wedding thing? What a shame it's on the same day.

Skyrainlight · 07/10/2024 10:45

You aren't a bridesmaid, she definitely doesn't get to approve your dress. Who is this bride? She sounds like an entitled nightmare.

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:49

Thank you for your replies so far, I feel a bit better because I was starting to think I was the one being difficult...

Thing is, she started of very laid back but as we get closer to the wedding she seems to get more and more into the 'wedding business' and more controlling.
Also they're spending a lot of money on the wedding, with a professional planner even though at first she said she didn't want all that... But in the mean time we as friends have also spent a lot of money on her wedding, it's not even my party is it.. so it feels like unkind behaviour that she keeps expecting more and more but won't even arrange the hair dresser, while she literally didn't have to spend anything on the two hen days. But she does still expect us to be there the whole morning.

It's not her usual behaviour, so yes actually I usually like her very much and we do get on well, the four of us a group.
She asked us to arrange the hen do, but didn't want a large suite. But now I'm feeling like that was more about the money, so she didn't have to spend anything on us: no dinner, no dress, no hair dresser and not even one round of drinks on the hen.
I can even accept that, but the approving of an outfit I pay for myself, more money spent for her wedding, just took it that step too far for me.
And yes I would have liked to buy something I can wear again later, not the long gala dresses she is now expecting...

OP posts:
Notwhatuwanttohear · 07/10/2024 10:49

Why are you going to all this effort and hassle for someone who thinks so little of you they don't even have the decency to invite you to the wedding dinner even though you are "like a bridesmaid"

saraclara · 07/10/2024 10:50

The only person that I've ever run my wedding outfit by was my daughter! And I wore a dress that I already owned but which made me feel good (all new accessories though).

Bizarre behaviour on her part.