To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

[Cupcakemum79]

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

What the hell. Bridesmaids should be invited to the dinner at the minimum, I hate this new trend of not inviting half your guests to dinner but still wanting to make sure you get presents from everyone, if you ain't feeding me, I'm not going. Like you said it takes the whole day to get up early, get ready etc, and we have to spend money on outfits/accessories/shoes/ and a hen do by the sounds of it. Just wear what you want, she'll be too distracted on the day to care

Seems to me she wants you 3 really to be bridesmaids but doesn't want pay for it and all that goes with it....so she's therefore trying to control what you wear. Bridezilla on a budget. Up to you how much you want to play along with this.

It's revolting behaviour. You can choose to feed it, ignore it or reject it. I wouldn't want to indulge any of them ever again TBH, and if you only meet up a couple of times a year it's no great loss eh?

Ridiculous, I'm getting married and I'm not asking any of this rubbish.

I'm not paying for hair or make up because they can do their own as far as I'm concerned. They chose own dresses too, not seen them even. I haven't a clue what people are wearing, that's their choice

so yes actually I usually like her very much and we do get on well

Baffling. Completely baffling

The only reason to show a bride what you are wearing to a wedding is to say 'Oh, look at the lovely thing I'll be wearing'.

There is no way I would be entertaining any of this 'getting the bride's approval on my outfit' nonsense. She isn't buying it and I am not a bridesmaid. As long as I'm not coming in a bikini/hot pants combo or a white dress, it is absolutely fuck all to do with her.

Alongside the rest of the things you mention, I would not be attending at all.

Exactly this

My two SILs and all their children wore the bridesmaids colours at our wedding. I didn't know they were going to and I was surprised at the time. I don't think that their intentions were malicious, though.

It made no difference to me or to the day. DH and I still got married and everyone enjoyed themselves.

Am I the only one being difficult or angry about this?

Oh come on, you're milking this now OP.

How many replies do you want before you start listening?

If you are not:

• the hairstylist
• the makeup artist
• the photographer
• an “official” bridesmaid
• the parent of the bride

you do not belong at the bride’s house while she gets ready. The end.

If the bride pays for the BM dressers then she gets a say, imo.

Otherwise not. I would certainly buy something I could wear again if I wasn't a bridesmaid! What on earth is an unofficial bridesmaid?!

As pp said she wants you as bridesmaids but doesn't want to pay for them. In your shoes I'd tell her that the only hair appointment you could get means you can't make hers in the morning. Whether you actually have your hair done is up to you. Go to the ceremony and reception (I assume you'll be chucked out when the bridal party have their meal). Then go out for a meal with your friends and partners and don't return.

Is it midweek to save costs as well? I imagine food & drink at the reception might be absent as well so be prepared. Sounds like she would have been much better off eloping.

Didn't mean to be milking this sorry.
Just sitting here frustrated seeing everyone else give in to this.

I won't be showing her anything or telling her what I'll wear.
She should know I will always try to dress appropriately.
And I'll just try to ignore her and maybe have a talk with her after the wedding.
Don't want to cause drama a couple of weeks before her wedding from my end.

I think you are basically just putting up and shutting up about the way she has treated you, again to suit her and make her happy. You have to do what you thinks best

I'd send her a photo of a completely unsuitable dress and wait for her to kick off. Then I'd laugh and say I thought it was a joke wanting to approve dresses as surely only a Bridezilla would make that sort of request.

I agree with this - it sounds like everything is motivated by her being a cheapskate. It's fine to not be able to afford a wedding, but you shouldn't expect other people to pay for all the gaps. I would just stop spending any more money, time or thought on this. I would plan the day as best suits you and your family and stick to it. You have already spent enough.

In other words you're still going to go? ???

Why did you even bother posting?

Oh so are you a pretend bridesmaid because then she feels she can dictate what you wear?

Honestly it's all such nonsense Op & tbh I think that you are a fool for going along with any of it.

You've paid for two hen does??!!!

That's crazy. It sounds like it would be the day from hell for you if you and your friends and DH go along with this. I'd recommend, as her friends, telling her (as a group) that she's behaving irrationally in a way that will affect her friendship with the rest of you for the future.

You say she's not like this normally, so someone needs to point this out to her as she sounds like she's stressed herself out completely - having a professional wedding planner won't have helped - and she's lost all sense of perspective. In the end the day is about herself and her DH-to-be making vows to stay together, with family and friends enjoying that moment. That includes sitting down with everyone for the dinner!

Demanding to see and approve the outfits your guests intend to wear is appallingly bad manners. What is this woman thinking? Tacky, tacky, tacky!

and this is someone you really like and get on well with?

I just can't believe you're not even getting dinner out of this. 😱

how regularly do you and this “friend” get together in person Op?

It’s mumsnet

Of course you do! 😆

My DM and MIL asked me what the wedding colours were so they could buy something co-ordinate with the wedding party. But I wouldn't have minded what they wore tbh.