Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

187 replies

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:22

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

OP posts:
Zimunya · 07/10/2024 10:50

Start gradually stepping away, OP. You've organised the hen do, and contributed to it too. That's a good effort in itself. If she asks what you're wearing, say you haven't decided yet. Also, if possible, extricate yourself from getting ready with her - use whatever excuse you can - transport, needed at home, have to work for a few hours - whatever you can. She may return to being a decent person after the stress of her wedding is over, but for now you need to protect yourself by having as little to do with her as you possibly can.

jay55 · 07/10/2024 10:53

You're not a bridesmaid, she doesn't need an audience to get ready. Just do your own hair at home,

Brefugee · 07/10/2024 10:53

so given your update, OP, the kind thing here is to say to her what you just said to us.

And if she insists that no approval = no invitation? Tell her to have a lovely day, enjoy the honeymoon and you'll enjoy hearing about it one evening when she gets back. Send her a card/telegram and possibly a gift too, if you feel so inclined.

Friends should be honest with each other when one is being an absolute arse.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/10/2024 10:55

Fuck. That. Step away from the crazy op, step away now! This woman is a CF/bridezilla/other word for bonkers!

Edingril · 07/10/2024 10:56

I would just think the groom has to live with her and say thanks but no thanks

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 07/10/2024 10:57

I think I'd say I can't afford it.... cost of hen do, a specific dress that she needs to approve of that you are unlikely to wear again, a hairdresser when you could have done your own hair.... I'd be pulling out unless you desperately want to go. It does sound very unreasonable of her.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 07/10/2024 10:57

No white outfit
No Mr Bobby outfit..
Anything else just go for it..

rainbowstardrops · 07/10/2024 10:58

Why don't you just communicate all of this with her?

MonsteraMama · 07/10/2024 10:58

I'd not be going, not a chance.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/10/2024 11:00

I'm having my hair done at 11 and need to do X beforehand. Ill see you at the church - so exciting! And step back. Any objections received - "but I'm not one of the bridesmaids??

Agree - haven't decided what I'm wearing yet. Lots of nice sales at the moment.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/10/2024 11:00

It's not her usual behaviour, so yes actually I usually like her very much and we do get on well, the four of us a group.

You get on so well that not one of you can explain how her behaviour is making you feel? 🙄

There are some very weird 'friendships' on Mumsnet.

WestwardHo1 · 07/10/2024 11:01

Eurgh. Why are weddings seen as such an excuse to behave so badly?

Fuck it all.

When I got married my MIL wore a trouser suit in a shade of lilac very close to (but not close enough) to the bridesmaids. I didn't have a clue she as planning on it and it didn't occur to me to mind.

(Coincidentally this woman is now an ex MIL and from what I know now of her personality, I can't shake the feeling it was deliberate 😂. But if she wanted to piss me off at the time, she failed)

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 11:05

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/10/2024 11:00

It's not her usual behaviour, so yes actually I usually like her very much and we do get on well, the four of us a group.

You get on so well that not one of you can explain how her behaviour is making you feel? 🙄

There are some very weird 'friendships' on Mumsnet.

I guess we are all trying to be nice to to the bride and I don't want to be the sour one ruining things either. I just hope she returns to normal after the wedding...

That reminds me, we also have to buy my husband a suit and of course also a present... and make dinner reservations together with the other two friends and their partners.
We could have had a weekend away for the total amount we will have spent on her wedding by the time we're done!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2024 11:06

If it’s not her usual behaviour and you actually like each other then why on earth don’t you say something? There’s no point just seething and getting resentful about the arrangements and costs and ending up with the friendship spoiled that way.

“Kate, I understand that wedding planning can be stressful and you want the day to be perfect, but you are being a knob about a lot of things and it’s making things stressful for me and no doubt many other guests. We can’t come and help you get ready in the morning if you aren’t going to include us in the hair and makeup session because we need time to get ready ourselves.”

Brefugee · 07/10/2024 11:06

She is batshit and needs a reality check, and you as a friend can be the one to deliver it. Surely building up all this resentment of her behaviour won't make for a lovely wedding and reception if you're all seething at her over the steamed salmon?

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 11:07

WestwardHo1 · 07/10/2024 11:01

Eurgh. Why are weddings seen as such an excuse to behave so badly?

Fuck it all.

When I got married my MIL wore a trouser suit in a shade of lilac very close to (but not close enough) to the bridesmaids. I didn't have a clue she as planning on it and it didn't occur to me to mind.

(Coincidentally this woman is now an ex MIL and from what I know now of her personality, I can't shake the feeling it was deliberate 😂. But if she wanted to piss me off at the time, she failed)

No idea, this is the first time I have had this kind of experience.. is tis some kind of virus some brides get infected by? 😁

Very nice of you to just accept your MIL like that, it can't be worth it to start something over that right?

OP posts:
Ethylred · 07/10/2024 11:09

This is easily solved. Don't go.

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 11:09

Notwhatuwanttohear · 07/10/2024 10:49

Why are you going to all this effort and hassle for someone who thinks so little of you they don't even have the decency to invite you to the wedding dinner even though you are "like a bridesmaid"

Well, we did the same for the other friends that got married. And yes I knew I would have to spend money on the hen , though I hadn't expected to fund two!
Also as usual the three of us had a lot of fun arranging everything, and I felt like at least it would be time and money well spent.
Just feel like we don't get any appreciation for all of this from her.

OP posts:
OctopusFriend · 07/10/2024 11:11

Bin that off, mate.
Save yourself some time, money and effort. Don't go.

independencefreedom · 07/10/2024 11:12

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:22

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

Either talk to her and ask her to dial things down a bit - say you're concerned as she isn't acting like herself. OR step back - quietly and graciously let her know you can't be there on the morning unfortunately, invent a plausible excuse. If she asks what you're wearing just say don't worry, it will be lovely. And then bat back any other questions and change to topic to whatever is going on in your life so she might realise that for the rest of you her wedding is not the absolute centre of your lives.

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 11:14

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2024 11:06

If it’s not her usual behaviour and you actually like each other then why on earth don’t you say something? There’s no point just seething and getting resentful about the arrangements and costs and ending up with the friendship spoiled that way.

“Kate, I understand that wedding planning can be stressful and you want the day to be perfect, but you are being a knob about a lot of things and it’s making things stressful for me and no doubt many other guests. We can’t come and help you get ready in the morning if you aren’t going to include us in the hair and makeup session because we need time to get ready ourselves.”

Edited

Actually I did bring this up with her: the plain logistics of the day won't allow us to go to the hair dresser or even change if we have to spend the entire morning at her house but don't get ready ourselves. Also our partners are of course not invited to the house, but do have to be there at the ceremony somehow..good thing we have two cars! But then, we still don't know how to get our daughter to her grand parents before the party in the evening, no children allowed, if we also want to have dinner somewhere..

Her answer was that we could arrange to get our hair dresser to come to her house or she could ask if her hair dresser would have time for us. But making it very plain that we will be paying ourselves...
I guess I am just too soft, but I would have paid for that, as a thank you.

OP posts:
dudsville · 07/10/2024 11:14

Where does this behaviour come from? What makes ordinary people think they're royalty (whom I loathe) for this incredibly ordinary thing? "Princess for the day". Why? Of course it's a very special day for the B&G and their loved ones, but what kind of madness takes hold in these people?

Anyhoo. I agree with the pp's, you've got to talk with your friend.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/10/2024 11:16

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 11:05

I guess we are all trying to be nice to to the bride and I don't want to be the sour one ruining things either. I just hope she returns to normal after the wedding...

That reminds me, we also have to buy my husband a suit and of course also a present... and make dinner reservations together with the other two friends and their partners.
We could have had a weekend away for the total amount we will have spent on her wedding by the time we're done!

Show quote history

No sympathy for any of you.

You can only be a doormat if you're happy to lie down and allow people to wipe their feet on you.

Which you're all happily doing, so you'll have to suck it up 🤷‍♂️

ChampaignSupernova · 07/10/2024 11:16

A bit bridezilla? That's an understatement.

Why are you even friends with someone who is rude about people's weight/size and so bossy and demanding? Is she always so delightful?

Apollo365 · 07/10/2024 11:17

The person who voted YABU must be the bride 🤣👌🏼