To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

[Cupcakemum79]

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

I would have to say something. I think that your long term friendship will be affected by thIs behaviour because even if she reverts to the person you knew, you will still remember how she treated you, and could potentially do again.

She has to go and have dinner with her family somewhere and then circle back for a flipping dessert buffet?!

Assume that's so she can help tidy up or other menial tasks the bride doesn't want to be bothered with.

You obviously no longer fitted into the box the bride thought you should.
You probably looked amazing.
Well done you for shedding off an insecure and nasty 'friend.'

Thank you for clarifiying.

If I was the OP I think I would pass up this lovely invitation and do something else.

@Cupcakemum79

So it is a small wedding on the cheap that she is trying to make seem a much bigger wedding at everyone else's expense.

I would be wearing what I wanted, and I would not be going to her house before, I doubt I would even go to any part of the wedding.

Have you reached out to the SIL to make sure she is okay as bridezilla was really out of order, she cannot comment on what someone else wears unless she pays for it.

Looks like she wants an Instagram wedding without the funds to do it.

Yes you are right, we have all been friends since university, it really hurts to see her become like this over a wedding, even if it is hers. It does make me feel like a mug like others have said here. And I think you are right that this will make me feel different about her from now on..

They’ve already had the photos done?! …Is that a thing now? l literally have heard it all now. I can’t believe you are contemplating attending this shit show with this batshit CF, really I can’t! I wouldn’t go, no way - I would be telling her, you are currently infected with the bridezilla virus and it’s not pretty, phone when you have recovered (in a year or two…)

this is hilarious. please lead her on by either telling her you don't know (lots of people don't until the day!) or by sending photos of awful stuff.

Well then just don't have two cars available on the day.
Treat this as a moment/month/season of madness from her (to be indulgent and charitable) and tell her now that you won't be able to make it to her house in the morning due to (childcare or other issues) and you're looking forward to seeing her at the ceremony. Tell her you'd hate for her to give you even another moment's thought and it will all be lovely, and you'll all look lovely and that she is the main focus, not anyone else.
And really just don't play along with her any longer.

She is steeping into bridezilla mode here.
The only time I sent a picture was to make sure I (as the grooms mum) hadn't got the same dress as brides mum. Lo and behold we had. picked the same thing in different colours. So I took mine back and swapped for a different dress.
Both mums similar size and shape and taste in clothes

I asked one of my closest friends what I should wear as I was aware she wasn't wearing the traditional 'white dress' but something colourful and modern and was keeping her outfit secret so didn't want to wear similar by accident. She said she didn't care what we wore really.

I think thats the only time I ever asked, as an adult I'm capable of dressing myself so it never crossed my mind to ask.

A good rule of thumb is to compliment the invite colors as thats usually the wedding colors, dress nice (somewhere between office wear and cocktail wear) but don't over dress (its not a red carpet where you show off).

If you follow that I find it hard to go wildly wrong. I follow those rules and have always been fine it seems. I don't think I would deal well with a bridezilla, I just wouldn't go.

This is outrageous! All the bride should be worrying about is what she is wearing. I can't remember what my guests wore to my wedding 9 years ago - all l cared about was that they had made the effort to be there!

I recently posted on here about worrying if my outfit was suitable for an autumn wedding. The bride stated she would like guests to wear red/orange/yellow/green/brown. My outfit was navy and l couldn't afford to buy a new one...Well, l went to the wedding on Saturday and my outfit was fine! Many guests hadn't really followed the dress code, even her father wasn't in 'autumnal' colours. It didn't seem to affect her happiness or enjoyment of the day!

I would seriously go in whatever you want and sod getting it 'approved!'

And yes I would have liked to buy something I can wear again later, not the long gala dresses she is now expecting...

Don't do this. Wear the dress you want, and if what you are wearing is more important than your presence it says more about her than you. Besides, if the wedding photos have already been done why does it matter to her what you are wearing?

Or - buy the dress she wants you to wear and tell her that unfortunately you spent what you would have spent on a gift on another dress.

And why does she need "help" on the morning of her wedding?

The good thing OP is that you get to choose being treated like shit or not. I would just say no. Not coming in the morning, I have an appointment with my hairdresser. Why are you all trying to please her in every way when she spends a lot of money and doesn't even invite you to the dinner!!! It's outrageous. I think I would be "sick" the day of her wedding tbh. Then you don't even need to buy a dress. She's a cf for sure.

They have already done the wedding photos?
Say what? That’s just bonkers.
Honestly the whole thing sounds like a bloody nightmare.
Buy what you want to wear, turn up to the ceremony when you and DH are ready and go to the party in the evening. Smile and hand over your gift. That’s it.
If she takes issue with any of the above she’s an absolute CF.

How could you like anyone so awful!

I agree don’t be her bridesmaid or friend, she deserves neither!

When did asking guests what they are wearing/telling them what not to wear become a thing?

The last wedding I went to to invitation specifically said not to wear white (obvious) or navy blue.

@Cupcakemum79 definitely you'll want to wear it again. Burgundy, plum, dark blue, dark green would all be good for autumn/winter.
I wore a black dress to my mates wedding and I got told I looked nice. Nobody seemed to bat an eyelid. But then again she wasn't a total bridezilla!

Whatever you do, don't overly waste cash on a present as this is all about the wedding not the marriage so it's highly likely to crash fairly soonish

Just received a message from another friend.. she says she sent pictures to the bride and she liked the dress so now she'll order it..
Am I the only one being difficult or angry about this?

Either buy me a dress you want me to wear or you'll just see what I wear on the day and you'll just have to accept it?

FFS OP are you listening to us? Pull out of it!!

Craziness!

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Honestly, she’s so busy with all of the wedding guff, do you really think she’s going to be focused on you? Just rock up.

I honestly think simple and dignified and celebratory is the way to go.

Another thing that has changed is the idea of the bride as Queen Bee. Yes, it was always about celebrating the marriage and of course bride and groom are at the heart of that; but it was a day for family and friends as well. This whole “ MY big day” thing is a complete perversion of the spirit of a wedding.