To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

[Cupcakemum79]

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

This. Have some self regard. Don't do it.

It all sounds like you’re all making much more fuss than is needed. If you aren’t invited to the reception / dinner then I wouldn’t bother with your own professional hair and makeup only for sitting at the ceremony. Just do whatever you’d do for a night out or special occasion. Can grandparents not have DD for the whole day? If bride is having her own hair and makeup done professionally then what are you actually expected to do in the morning of her wedding? My friends all voluntarily came to the bridal suite on the morning of my wedding but it mostly consisted of us all drinking champagne in our bathrobes, it wasn’t a chore which any of them asked to be thanked for.

Are you in the UK? I’ve never heard of people not being invited to the ‘dinner’? Do you mean that you are going to the ceremony and then have to entertain yourselves for a bit before the party in the night? That’s really odd if so

Sounds like an attempt to get a couple of freebee bridesmaids. She sounds like an absolutely awful person for criticising peoples dress choice and size. I couldn’t be friends with her, personally, I guess all you can do is stand firm in your dress choice and distance yourself.

Yes that's what's the plan: we can come over in the morning to make the getting ready special for her, then go to the ceremony with partner somehow and then wait until the party in the evening...

If this was my normally lovely friend, I would tell myself that she has gone raving mad, but temporarily, and will hopefully be sane again after the honeymoon, so I need to survive the next few weeks... And meanwhile, I would buy the dress I want and send her a photo saying I had to grab it without first getting her approval because it was on sale and I'm a bit broke at the moment, isn't the dress absolutely perfect, and how is everything else going?

Act stupid and uninformed.
wear what you want. On her big day, shush her if she starts being negative.

”Aw this is your big day, don’t ruin your makeup with frowny face”😂

Friend (male) arrived at our wedding looking like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. My husband and I did laugh about it. They'd come from Switzerland and we're going on an activity holiday afterwards so think things got a bit squashed. Just delighted they came to be honest. We were in our late 50s/early 60s and second time for both so these bridezilla things didn't bother us.

I had to fight so hard not to give her my opinion on how she had treated her sister in law over her dress. The way she showed us a picture and said 'well it's like a size 16 trying to fit into a 14, and I told her that shapewear wouldn't help, so no she couldn't wear the dress'. I know that the SIL doesn't have anywhere near her income and that the SIL does have other difficulties I felt so very sorry for the SIL and so very angry at her. But is was the breakfast after the hen do, and as usual we are trying to keep everything nice for the bride. She did ask me why I was so quiet after that remark, I was seething...

Why do we do that though? it's just someone getting married?

Make the getting ready "special" for her? The woman that doesn't think highly enough of her friends to feed them dinner, expects you to sit on your arse in her house for the morning watching her get a face full of slap, have you and your DH drive two cars to the same event, then spend the afternoon kicking about, then be grateful to get to go to the evening bit. Why, just why have you agreed to this?
She wants champagne Instagram princess pictures on a Tesco own label budget.

How great of him to make such an effort! Lovely friend!

That's batshit. Don't do it. 😬

She sounds like a real nasty piece of work. And I don't buy that it's the 'stress' of weddings that bring the bridezillas out. You're either a nasty piece of work in your heart and soul and that comes out, or you aren't and it doesn't because you're simply not capable of it.

Also she wants the free ride of having bridesmaids without giving you that official term. Probably so she can save on money and wedding favours.

It's early enough I'd pull out of the wedding altogether. Sorry, I would. You're a mug if you continue. She judges people on looks and appearance, and she won't even give you the decency of title of bridesmaid. No title - no my labor and time/effort. Have some self respect and pull out. It doesn't sound like she'd be a loss anyway. Older I get, the more self respect I have and the less fucks I have to give. I'd rather have very few (but decent hearted people) friends, than lots of friends who are shit people and treat people like shit.

"Gosh sorry I haven't got any photos. But it's lovely.. not as lovely as yours though and of course you won't even care because it's your big day! Uk so looking forward to it, what did you decide to do about make up/ flowers/ cake in the end?"
Change the subject and do not answer. Eventually she'll get the message

So you're invited to watch her get ready, to the ceremony and to an evening party but not the meal? She's really saving money on the expensive part of the day, isn't she?

Reply "Thank you so much for asking me to come and watch you getting ready on xyz but I think you will have quite enough of a crowd with your bridesmaids, mother, MiL. I'll just get my own hair, make-up and dress sorted and see you at the venue." Stick to this whatever she responds. I suggest the other two 'close friends but not quite close enough to be bridesmaids' do the same. Don't run your dress choice past her, if she asks to see it just say you haven't decided yet or want it to be a surprise. Your DH can hire a suit if he doesn't already own one and doesn't want to.

stop being such a limp lettuce. Either suck it up and get on with it, or tell her what you have told us.

It's an invitation - not a summons!

I'd tell her thanks for the invite but it's just not going to be possible to attend the wedding after all.

Spend the time and money on yourselves!

Just ask her for clarification. Am I a bridesmaid, in which case you choose what I wear to fit in with the wedding party and you pay for it; or am I a guest, in which case I get to choose my own outfit that is useful to me on other occasions too? Please clarify. But I’m not interested in paying to have my outfit vetted and selected.

Eta in either case, I’ll choose my own underwear.

When inviting people to your wedding, you have two options:
-Invite to whole event including the ceremony, reception dinner and evening party
-Invite to the evening party only, which should include some food, such as a buffet or canapes

An invite to the ceremony only is not a thing, especially not if you expect "duties" to be performed.

I think you need to be frank with Bridezilla. Talk to the other "bridesmaids" and come to a consensus on what you want to do- and then all send a variation of:

"I've had a look at my schedule and 8am isn't going to work for me. I'm happy to come to the reception, but being honest I've never heard of anyone being asked to act like a bridesmaid and not asked to the dinner, I feel it's a bit rude. As I'm only going to be there for a couple of hours, I don't think it's worth getting my hair done. I am wearing this outfit, which can be worn again, as I don't have money to spend on an outfit for one day, let alone a few hours on one day. If you have a specific outfit you'd like me to wear, you are welcome to buy an outfit and I'll put it on before I come."

She needs to find out that her expectations are unreasonable.

Yanbu. It would never occur to me to check with the bride if she thinks my dress is ok. And anyway I usually have a couple of options depending on the weather.

I don't wear black or white to a wedding and I wouldn't wear something overtly sexy, just as a matter of good manners. Beyond that, it's none of her business.

Ok what the fuck? How did I miss that you're not even invited to the dinner? So she wants you to 'pretend' to be bridesmaids and do aaalllll the work of one without the title, go there early, AND not even be given a dinner?

OP, for fuck sake, she is a selfish piece of shit!! Wake up.

We could have had a weekend away for the total amount we will have spent on her wedding by the time we're done!

Cut your losses NOW! Pull out NOW! And save the rest of the money you would have spent on this selfish turd of a person.

All this shit and you don't even make the dinner cut? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Fuck that shit!

If she wants bridesmaids, she can have bridesmaids, with all that entails.

If she wants you to buy your own dress and pay for your own hair, fuck off after the ceremony then feed yourselves, pop your daughter off to childcare before coming back for the evening do, then you're not her bridesmaids (you're not even mildly important guests if you can't stay for the day) and she can't dictate what your wear or decree that you're at her house to do what bridesmaids do before the wedding.

Honestly, now the hen do is over, take her out for coffee and spell some of these things out to her. No, she does not get to dictate your outfits (and by the way the way she spoke about somebody else's dress size was atrotious). No she doesn't get handmaidens for before the wedding AND for you to somehow have enough time to get ready for yourselves and miraculously time travel so that you arrive with your partners. Actually, it's bloody offensive that she expects you to spend so much money on her hen do, all of this extra faffing, yet you're expected to fuck off for a few hours and not join the wedding party for dinner.

Tell her honestly with kindness that she's being very hurtful in the way she is treating you all, and when the wedding day and honeymoon is over, she might wish she hadn't seriously upset her closest friends.

Heard it all now. It's like a virus, mememememememmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Tbh I don't understand the drama about what people wear at the wedding at all.
Unless you book somethung wherr guests will be turned away by the venue for showing up in casual wear, or something specific like a beach there is no reason to make fuss.

My best friend showed up in a micro hot pink dress. It is her style and it would be odd for me to ask her to buy somwthing thatfits whatever crazy idea I have.