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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

187 replies

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:22

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 07/10/2024 11:59

… or respond and say: “really not that keen to discuss my outfit with you after I saw how you responded to SIL, dictating what she could and couldn’t wear and shaming her about her body and shape wear.”

TotallyInappropriate · 07/10/2024 12:00

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:22

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

tell her to fuck off. DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING.

MrsSunshine2b · 07/10/2024 12:00

I can't believe you're even contemplating the evening do tbh.

Evening invitations are something you send to colleagues and distant friends, people who you quite like but not enough to make the cut for the dinner. There's no pressure to attend as an evening guest as it's a casual invite by it's nature. The fact she's made it childfree has given you the perfect reason to say that DD needs you in the evening so you won't be there, but have a great time.

I wouldn't be going just for the ceremony but if you want to then that's your choice.

Bananalanacake · 07/10/2024 12:01

And what would happen if you didn't bother with a hairdresser and just brushed your own hair, would she even notice.

Leopardprintlover101 · 07/10/2024 12:02

I think pick your battles - if it was me I would send photos of two dresses and let her pick one (both being dresses you either own or are happy to purchase and wear) but I would say no to going to her house the morning of the wedding. You’re either a bridesmaid or you’re not - and you’re not! Just tell her you can’t as you have your own hair appointment (at her ladyship’s behest!).

As for after the wedding - I’d organise dinner with the others if I wanted to, but otherwise I’d be home into pjs and ordering a takeaway.

I think she can dictate (to an extent) the wedding itself, but not before or after it!

user2848502016 · 07/10/2024 12:02

The bride sounds like a spoiled brat, no you don't need her to approve of your outfit! Also you can tell her "I'll be getting my hair done at 9am so will be at yours around 10.30" , completely ridiculous for you to be there any earlier and fit in getting your hair done - I would also not want to be getting dressed and doing my makeup at someone else's house but would compromise on that!

GivingitToGod · 07/10/2024 12:03

Cyclistmumgrandma · 07/10/2024 10:31

Don't get it approved! Nothing wrong with wearing something you can wear again. Son just got married. Him in highly posh military formal uniform, only allowed for his wedding or meeting royalty, bride in traditional (expensive) wedding dress... Her mother in nice dress she could wear again, me in velvet jumpsuit second hand from Vinted. Only compliments from happy couple on both our outfits! Wear what you a) can afford, and b) feel comfortable in.

Spot on! Wear what u want OP, absolutely no need for bride's approval. End of

RichTea90 · 07/10/2024 12:03

speedmop · 07/10/2024 10:30

You need new “friends” OP

Ah, a classic MN response. This doesn’t much help the OP’s current scenario though..

Fraaahnces · 07/10/2024 12:04

I think I would simply say “That doesn’t work for me, Mate. I’ll see you there.”

Calliopespa · 07/10/2024 12:04

Bananalanacake · 07/10/2024 12:01

And what would happen if you didn't bother with a hairdresser and just brushed your own hair, would she even notice.

…probably, by the sounds of it!🤣

I do think SM, instagram etc have a lot to blame for the rise in this sort of attitude. Events like this have shifted from being about celebrating with friends and loved ones to a major opportunity to project one’s image and lifestyle to the World ( or as much of it as gives a toss …)

maybeamistake · 07/10/2024 12:04

A couple of years ago I was asked (well ordered!) to go home and change because apparently my choice of dress was not appropriate!! It was a pale pink floral maxi dress it didn’t even look bridal ? The brides mother and sister told me I needed to change and that ‘trying to upstage the bride is awful’

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 12:06

MrsSunshine2b · 07/10/2024 12:00

I can't believe you're even contemplating the evening do tbh.

Evening invitations are something you send to colleagues and distant friends, people who you quite like but not enough to make the cut for the dinner. There's no pressure to attend as an evening guest as it's a casual invite by it's nature. The fact she's made it childfree has given you the perfect reason to say that DD needs you in the evening so you won't be there, but have a great time.

I wouldn't be going just for the ceremony but if you want to then that's your choice.

The dinner is only for her parents, brother, sister in law and the witnesses.. which I know some of our acquaintances have done as well.

So for us it's ceremony, reception, evening party with a dessert buffet.
And get up up very early to get her ready.

Also, the groom has already seen her dress etc, because they have already had the wedding photos made. So I don't feel like this is such a special moment anymore anyway, we are just supposed to be there in her script.

Honestly, I've never known someone to behave like this, all the other weddings have just been good fun...

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 12:08

maybeamistake · 07/10/2024 12:04

A couple of years ago I was asked (well ordered!) to go home and change because apparently my choice of dress was not appropriate!! It was a pale pink floral maxi dress it didn’t even look bridal ? The brides mother and sister told me I needed to change and that ‘trying to upstage the bride is awful’

Oh wow, that's somehow even worse, to be turned away like that. Did you do it and return to the party?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 07/10/2024 12:09

She sounds pretty controlling to be making these demands of people. And nasty remarks about people's clothes and body shapes!
If I were you I'd just step back from the whole 'bridesmaid' thing. You're not the bridesmaid and you've done more than enough for her already. Just turn up to the ceremony wearing something you like, that of course you'll be able to wear again. Who buys a dress to wear once to someone else's wedding?
It sounds like she's really putting pressure on her friendships which I'm sure she'll regret once the wedding is over.

Calliopespa · 07/10/2024 12:09

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 12:06

The dinner is only for her parents, brother, sister in law and the witnesses.. which I know some of our acquaintances have done as well.

So for us it's ceremony, reception, evening party with a dessert buffet.
And get up up very early to get her ready.

Also, the groom has already seen her dress etc, because they have already had the wedding photos made. So I don't feel like this is such a special moment anymore anyway, we are just supposed to be there in her script.

Honestly, I've never known someone to behave like this, all the other weddings have just been good fun...

Show quote history

They. Have. Already. Had.The.Wedding.Photos. Made.?!!!!

😱😱😱😱😱😱

How contrived and controlling is this woman?

Boobygravy · 07/10/2024 12:10

I think you should step up here.
Sil is stuck with your friend, you're not.
Ring her up and tell her, look you're being ridiculous now and very mean to your sil. This isn't like you and I don't want you to look back and realise what a bridezilla you've been so catch yourself on and calm the f down.

Leopardprintlover101 · 07/10/2024 12:12

I feel for you OP. A friend of mine I’ve known for years who always seemed perfectly reasonable got married this year, and her behaviour was so unexpected. She was so self-centred and entitled that it has totally changed my opinion of her.

Boobygravy · 07/10/2024 12:12

maybeamistake · 07/10/2024 12:04

A couple of years ago I was asked (well ordered!) to go home and change because apparently my choice of dress was not appropriate!! It was a pale pink floral maxi dress it didn’t even look bridal ? The brides mother and sister told me I needed to change and that ‘trying to upstage the bride is awful’

I would have gone home and stayed home.
How bloody rude.

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2024 12:12

This bride is bonkers 🤣

Leopardprintlover101 · 07/10/2024 12:13

maybeamistake · 07/10/2024 12:04

A couple of years ago I was asked (well ordered!) to go home and change because apparently my choice of dress was not appropriate!! It was a pale pink floral maxi dress it didn’t even look bridal ? The brides mother and sister told me I needed to change and that ‘trying to upstage the bride is awful’

Can we see the dress??

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 12:16

Leopardprintlover101 · 07/10/2024 12:12

I feel for you OP. A friend of mine I’ve known for years who always seemed perfectly reasonable got married this year, and her behaviour was so unexpected. She was so self-centred and entitled that it has totally changed my opinion of her.

Well That's exactly the same her and it makes me sad. We were all so happy for her when she told us they were getting married.

It's starting to feel as if she were a princess or a queen to be tended to, instead of a teacher getting married to an accountant, ok agreed with his own firm from his dad!

OP posts:
maybeamistake · 07/10/2024 12:16

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 12:08

Oh wow, that's somehow even worse, to be turned away like that. Did you do it and return to the party?

Show quote history

I just left and went home ! They were really unpleasant to me and I knew it wasn’t remotely bridal and I certainly wasn’t upstaging the bride !

PennyApril54 · 07/10/2024 12:17

I'd wear whatever you want to wear. Don't tell her in advance and if she asks describe it but first day you are not looking for / don't want her feedback or approval because it's already decided. Say if on the morning of the wedding she has a problem then you will leave 🤣

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 12:17

Calliopespa · 07/10/2024 12:09

They. Have. Already. Had.The.Wedding.Photos. Made.?!!!!

😱😱😱😱😱😱

How contrived and controlling is this woman?

Show quote history

Well the weather was still nice enough now to get a picture on the beach and may not be in November. Also, that would leave them so little time on the day itself... oh well her choice...

OP posts:
Fluffytoebeanz · 07/10/2024 12:17

I'm confused, are they not having food at the reception? It's all bonkers. Do the other people invited know that?