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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

574 replies

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:49

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Disappearedwife · 06/10/2024 20:51

Nah I wouldn’t mind, just one night on holiday those two? Fine with me!

id be lucky I didn’t have bigger issues to deal with

Original poster
FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:52

Thanks - it's good to have some perspective as I do feel like my feelings over all the historic stuff over the years clouds my feelings a lot.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 06/10/2024 20:53

I would take advantage of the night in, get the kids to bed, order myself something delicious from room service and roll around in the bed in glorious solitude..

ohthejoys21 · 06/10/2024 20:53

I'm
Sorry I agree with you op.. he doesn't leave you with the kids and take his mum out on holiday. She's lucky to be there in the first place! I think this would bother a lot of people.

yeesh · 06/10/2024 20:54

The whole thing is weird, I don’t think the holiday is the issue tbh. Does he take you out to dinner twice a month or just his mum?

fruitbrewhaha · 06/10/2024 20:56

No fuck that. Why can’t you all go out together? It’s weird and like she is competing with you for his attention.

Deadhouseplant · 06/10/2024 20:56

Why doesn’t she contribute any money? She seems incredibly rude not to pay for her holiday then expect DH to leave the family to take her out on her own.

MidnightPatrol · 06/10/2024 20:56

I mean it’s a bit weird because it’s on your holiday yeah, but I’d probably just take it as an opportunity to have a night doing my own thing.

Go and take the kids to do something really fun, whatever that might be for you / them.

Screamingabdabz · 06/10/2024 20:56

ohthejoys21 · 06/10/2024 20:53

I'm
Sorry I agree with you op.. he doesn't leave you with the kids and take his mum out on holiday. She's lucky to be there in the first place! I think this would bother a lot of people.

I agree. I would not be happy about this.

Original poster
FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:56

@yeesh just his mum - we don't have any childcare.

He works near where she lives so often takes her out after work, it's probably more like once a week to be honest.

She would come and babysit for us but would be a long drive for her and she would have to stay over and all feels like a big effort.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 06/10/2024 20:58

The night(s) that MIL babysits, will you feel bad because you're "actively leaving her out?"

Original poster
FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:58

I often feel that because she is on her own she treats him as her "date" when we are out somewhere - at a wedding recently he stayed glued to her side as she's "on her own" but it results in me being on my own. Hence why I don't relish the prospect of a holiday with her. If she had a partner or even another another child or friend to lean on it would be so much better.

OP posts:
Friendofdennis · 06/10/2024 20:58

No not on holiday. Why does she need to be treated with kid gloves on holiday like this. You are absolutely way down on his priorities it’s very strange

Hoppinggreen · 06/10/2024 20:58

I wouldn't be going on holiday with her at all.
She will resent you the whole time for taking her baby away

Original poster
FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:59

@mrsm43s no because we are paying for her to come under the guise that her contribution is childcare - also wouldn't most parents of adult children try to help them facilitate some time together as a couple, not actively cause that not to happen?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 06/10/2024 21:00

Send them both off with the children and take some stock about why you put up with this nonsense.

SwingTheMonkey · 06/10/2024 21:00

Absolutely fucking nuts. I don’t go on holiday to sit on my own in the accommodation while my husband dates his mother. Weird as fuck.

GinForBreakfast · 06/10/2024 21:00

No, and I'm pretty chill. She sounds horrible and your DH has a long way to go to disentangle himself to the point where he puts you and your children first.

cuddlebear · 06/10/2024 21:01

It all sounds pretty dysfunctional to me.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 06/10/2024 21:01

Seems OK to me. Only one meal.

Gymmum82 · 06/10/2024 21:01

20 miles is not a long drive and she certainly wouldn’t be staying over. My MIL lives closer to 30 miles away and will never stay over here.
Their relationship sounds weird. Why is he taking her to dinner so often? Why is he paying her bills? Why can’t she contribute to the holiday?

It all sounds so odd I’d be trying to get a lot more distance between them and she certainly wouldn’t we welcome on any holidays with me

Pieandchips999 · 06/10/2024 21:03

You'll probably be glad to see the back of her by that point 🤣 maybe suggest you go twice. Probably for the best you moved 20 miles away. Maybe get your romantic dinner out the way before everyone starts finding and go for a short break like a long weekend. If you work mutter something about annual leave

Wellingtonspie · 06/10/2024 21:03

I hope you’re getting a holiday without her each year as well. Also you again should be having a date night with your husband.

yeesh · 06/10/2024 21:04

How have you put up with this for so long? I don’t know how you can be happy that he takes his mother on dates while you stay home with the kids :(

OolongTeaDrinker · 06/10/2024 21:06

I hope you never want to spend some one on one time with your child when they grow up. What goes around comes around 🤷🏻‍♀️