DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

You have a DH problem.
My suggestion: pick a UK break you would be happy doing, perhaps centre parcs or a holiday cottage. Have DH takes her out one night, whilst she babysits the next.

I don't think you can untangle this enmeshment head on, but make it clear it's not setting a precedent.

I would also talk to DH about expectations in the coming years. 67 I'd fit and healthy, but what happens when she stops work and becomes more frail. More subsidies? Would she ask to move in with you?

The whole situation is very weird. The MIL appears to have a very unhealthy hold over her son.

Also the expectation that her son pays for her all the time (meals out, holidays) and never offers to pay is really embarrassing behaviour. Doesn't she have any pride? Or consider what you must think of her?

Unless she's been secretly diagnosed with a serious illness why on earth does she think she's going to die soon?! She's probably got another 25 years in her of leeching off her son and you*. She's a cheeky fecker and as she gets older I expect she'll only get worse.

*you're married so what's his is yours and vice versa.

Then she should be told, "If you want to come on holiday with us, you need to pay your own way. You can either start saving towards it or stay home."

She sounds entitled and selfish with her, "I won't pay a penny towards it" attitude, especially when you are not rich and cannot really afford it.

Tbh I'd probably be the one encouraging my DP to have a bit of quality time with his Mum - I'd find it exhausting having a whole holiday with my MIL, this would give me an evening off.

Are you uk based OP .. or could this be a cultural expectation ?

I totally agree! I read this thinking wtaf???? Insane...

No, it’s weird. We used to take widowed MIL on holiday and my DH would never have left me with the kids to go out to dinner with his mum. We’re a family. It was our holiday.

i have two DSs, both married with children and I’d never take them away from their families. That’s their priority now, not me. I might meet them for lunch or coffee if they have a space/are free from work but I’d never ask them to put me first.

You need to stand your ground and equally, be fair to your own future in laws.

Totally agree with these sentiments

You have a DH problem.

and
I don't think you can untangle this enmeshment head on,

But I don’t think you can in any way - only the enmeshed person can if they want to. It gives them the extreme fear and anxiety though, the idea of disappointing and challenging the chief enmesher.

So, even though they don't have the money to take the MIL, and she will cost quite a bit, they should take her anyway? Maybe some of the posters here should pay for the MIL. Y'all sound very rich, spending OP's money that they don't really have.

Gee, if only MIL had a job or her own money so she could pay her own way. Oh wait.......she does have her own money but spends it on stupid s#it, so OP should just cope with supporting her.

@FussyFusspott --wait until she quits working and wants to move in. To the biggest and best bedroom and be waited on hand and foot, and supported in every way while she wastes her money daily crowding your house with her crap. And wants to go out with your DH three times a week before she croaks, on his and your dime. Oh, what fun....NOT!

Couldn’t agree more

When put like that .. I think I agree

Good grief, She's 67 not 97! It sounds like she needs to get a life of her own and not rely on your DH for her social existence.

This

ultimately you married him knowing how enmeshed and 🥴🥴🥴 the situation is.

I think one night is fair enough.

my mil isn’t as bad but similar so I get the vibe. she often links arms with my DH and they walk ahead like they are a couple and I am the nanny. She also strokes him sometimes 🤢😵‍💫 since I pointed out how creepy it is my DH is also creeped out by it 😅😅😅

i now try and work weird shit like this in my favour so in this situation i would actually request he and his mother do a second night or afternoon except they stay with the kids and you go off to a spa / the beach / a bar / whatever and pitch it as more “quality time together” 🤢

I think if it was a discussion and MIL was offering to have the kids one night whilst you guys go out then another night DH with his mum that would be fine. But the fact it isn't a discussion between you and DH is the issue.

If my mum had passed away and my dad joined us on holiday, my DH would happily put the kids to bed and chill out to let me and dad go for a nice meal or drinks. But my DH quite an antisocial person and finds socialising every day quite overwhelming so it would work for us!

so not only do you have to take her an pay you have to sit in alone while they disappear to eat also paid by you

fuck that

This is some weird Sigmund Froid shit.

Mil is manipulative, financially irresponsible woman. If you can't afford a holiday, or can't afford to pay for her, then font do it. I can't understand why this woman is leeching off her son and his young family. She will be reminding you of her imminent death for another decade or two!

Having a meal, spending time with a parent without a spouse is not weird or odd in my family or DH’s.

You have a DH issue. He rather upset you, knowing you all can’t afford another holiday then his mum who is guilting him to take her on a holiday that she, herself wouldn’t pay for because she chooses to be bad with money.

The whole “ she may not have long left” is ridiculous and by that logic you can say the same. Stress shortens one’s lifespan too and unexpected illness happens to younger people.

It would be different if you could afford to treat her but you cannot and it isn’t yours or your DH’s problem that she is bad with money. Going into possible debt for someone even if they’re a close family member is ridiculous even more so when you have children.

She carried him for 9 months.
It's not a lot to take your own mother out for dinner once a week.

She paid for his upbringing and probably helped him whilst he got up on his own 2 feet, so what if he pays some of her expenses?!!

It's her only kid - of course she's going to like home more than anyone else in the world.

Don't you have your own parents to hang out with?

As for the holiday - as long as he's not with her 24/7 or dining alone for more than a couple of times, what's the issue?

You'll be the first querying the will when she passes on!

@AboutVattime we are all white British no cultural expectations

I like the suggestion that each adult has a turn babysitting. If your dh isn't happy with the idea of being left at home maybe he'll understand where you're coming from!

Alternatively suggest that they have a bit of time together in the day, leaving the evenings for family time or a date night for you. We take my MIL on holiday a fair bit. Often the kids will want to do something that she has no interest in, so I'll take them to do their thing, giving her and my dh some time to spend together during the day - they may go to a shop or a cafe or for a walk

Mother of an only son are you by any chance?

Maybe your parents would love to have dinner with just their daughter ?

OP - are your parents big personalities? Could you suggest you all go on a big family holiday - your parents and MIL too? It would break the weird dynamic of her competing with you for his attention, make it feel more normal and give you backup.

Also, you're then not saying "no I don't want a holiday with her" you're just saying you want your family there too.

I did this with my MIL and because my family are loud, overtake the conversation and ofc have my back, it worked a treat.

I wonder how your MIL would've felt if her MIL had done the same to her - gone on holiday with MIL & her husband then left MIL alone while enjoying a meal with her son ? Would she have tolerated it?
It's interesting that she can't be alone at events so your DH has to be her +1 - leaving you alone. I wouldn't be happy about that. Why does your DH think that's ok?

I’m by sorry but this is just not normal. At a pinch I can understand him having dinner with her once a week but not on holiday while you are babysitting in the hotel room. Really unacceptable.