DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

This is weird and it’s never going to be a one off, she’ll be on holiday with you forevermore on your dime

I’m most normal families money flows down not up.

But we would do a meal and/or nice gift as a thank you. Wouldn’t make demands on them that while paying for me I also expect xyz.

I’m with you OP, I would hate all of this.
the part that gets me the most is her saying she wants to come on holiday with you but can’t afford to pay a penny. That would infuriate me to hell!

Bit off when you’re all away together imo.

Whenever we go on holiday we each have a 4 hour stretch that is exclusively our own. DH went to a sports bar to watch his team play football, I sat reading on the beach. As long as you also get your own evening/time period to yourself and one night just for you and DH, I don't see a problem!

@mrsm43s they offered and wanted us there - MIL has begged for us to take her on holiday for a long time. We don't want to do it, we can't really afford to do it - it feels like an obligation and DH thinks he has to do it before she dies or he will never get over the guilt. His words.

The whole dynamic sounds really difficult. I think that's your problem. One meal out the two of them I think is fine. The whole "you have to bring me on your holiday but I won't pay a penny"... not so much!

I would be pushing them going away for a weekend together instead.

How does your husband treat you around his mum? Are you always second fiddle to her or would he back you up on something important to you?

I totally understand mothers and sons being close. I am close to my son as he depends on me a lot due to disability, but this does not seem healthy OP. Its like emotional incest, treating her son as a husband substitute. Very weird.

It's all bonkers and if she's in good health she is not likely to be dying anytime soon

I think you need to have a long chat with your husband.

This is all ridiculous.

I’m so glad I didn’t take this view with my own mum. How transactional.

Could he not do a weekend(2/3 nights weekday) with her once a year and you guys get your family holiday.

So a weekend in black pool, Scarborough, skeggy, Cornwall.

No children involved so doesn’t have to be peak. He holidays with her. You still get family time and to relax without mil expectations.

You are jealous of the relationship your DH has with his mum. I mean she’s wanted to go on holiday with you since the children were born and you’ve not taken her away for seven years so she’s not getting everything her dad a way. If they both enjoy going to dinner once a fortnight, let them. She obviously struggles with not having any other immediate family.

PS “expects to be wined and dined” sounds really chippy when what you mean is “enjoys going for dinner”

So op gives up her one holiday a year, op doesn’t even get one date night with her husband, op/dh pays for the entire holiday, op gets zero downtime on the holiday as it’s all about mil.

Yet the daughter in law is still going to be the bad guy if she finds it an issue….

@Detchi I used to be second fiddle probably until our DC was about one. The first year of DCs life he seemed to gradually get it. Now me and the kids are a priority but he still gets drawn in by the guilt and occasionally these kind of situations arise. I don't enjoy the dynamic when we are all together.

If I don't agree to this I'm painted as a controlling baddie though - probably why I haven't enforced enough boundaries or certainly didn't at the start.

I have clearly said to him that this would be a one time thing but I suspect it's going to be an ongoing problem and we are setting a precedent.

Another idea. Let him once go kids and his mum. You stay home. See how that appeals
to them both.

@StormingNorman I said expects to be wined and dined to make it clear we pay the bill 100% of the time and it would never occur to her to ever offer.

My mum came on holiday with us recently. We all ate together in the evening as a family. I cannot imagine telling my husband he wasn’t invited 🤣

Absolutely bonkers.

I find it strange. My husband and I have been on holidays with my widower father and it would never have occurred to dad or I that we have a cozy meal for 2 and not include my husband. I do sometimes go down and stay with my dad (who lives several hours away) without my husband and my husband sometimes visits his nearer parents without me but if we're on holiday together everyone on holiday goes out, or stays in which is sometimes easier with children

Op is married to her husband, but I’d bet she’d (rightly) put her kids first. The bond of parenthood (parent and child) is stronger than the bond of marriage. It appears an uncomfortable truth on this website. Unless of course it’s mums and daughters.

@MouseMama exactly. I can get on board with taking her with us but not with then being left out of dinner as a result!

Could you encourage her to sign up to OLD. Sounds as though she needs a companion for company and is relying to heavily on her son for that.

Separately, the financial situation would irritate me immensely, that does feel like she's taking a lend and feeling very entitled.

@Demonhunter she has tried in the past but it never amounted to anything for various reasons.

It is a bit odd but I think to keep the peace is just let happen for one night if she agrees to have the kids at least a night so you both can go for dinner too.