DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

Some women are a little weird, and she is one of them, I’m afraid.

You have my sympathy

This is extremely weird and dysfunctional. Them even leaving the children out points to how controlling and warped her perspective is. I would quite unhappy with this. What do they even do over dinner?

I mean I don’t agree with you paying for her but I think it’s lovely he wants to have dinner just with her

@MintyNew I have no idea I'm very rarely involved!

@Waffle19 at home yes, on holiday? Would you think it was lovely if I went for dinner with my parents on our family holiday and left him to put the kids to bed? If I saw them every week?

Don’t do the holiday, it will be the worst holiday of your life and you’ll regret it bitterly! If he’s that fussed, he can take his mum and the kids on holiday so you can get a break with the house to yourself. And also you don’t pay a penny.

when the kids were little and we went away for a week. She’d babysit one night and then DH would take her out another night. But her wasn’t taking her out every week without us for the rest of the year.

I don’t think one night is going to kill you

This. This will not be a fun holiday for you. Tell your DH that he may enjoy his mother's company for long periods but you don't, so they can go away the two of them with the kids.

I’ve got adult children and I really like it if occasionally I get time with just me and them. The day before my son’s wedding and he annd I tootled about getting jobs done together and there was something really lovely about it.

I adore my daughter-in-law

Honestly yes! It’s her holiday too (though I do think she should be paying). It’s not exactly a hardship to look after your kids for one night of the holiday so he can have an evening out with his mum. If it was every night that would be different. Hopefully she’ll do childcare one night too so you can get a meal out just you and DH?

I'm sorry OP, but in your shoes I'd be going ape at both of them. How dare she intrude on your marriage to this degree? She should think herself bloody lucky to even be invited on the holiday, let alone expect to be taken out for dinner without you and your children. As for your DH, I'd be telling him that if his DM is more important than me, he can fuck right off and live with her! I'm only a couple of years younger than his Mum and I wouldn't dream of expecting this from my child, and if I did he'd likely tell me to sod off, he's got his own life to live. I really don't know how you've put up with this for so long OP, time for some serious discussions in my opinion.

Is the reason your husband can't go with the kids and your MIL on their own that you wouldn't be able to afford another holiday? Otherwise it seems like the perfect solution.

Only on MN is a 20 mile drive considered a lot!

Well, now you’ve done the one time now, and you know enough to put your foot down. Dh: we should take my mum. You: no, you said it was one time only. Dh: she could help with childcare. You: what a load of rubbish, the only childcare happening last time was me sitting in the hotel looking after our kids while you and your mum went out and I promised myself never again. I might as well go on holiday with the kids and without you since I was on my own in the evening solo parenting, maybe we should try that instead of a family holiday if you keep arguing. I’m not your holiday childcare and your mum isn’t coming.

I am surprised that I am the first person to say this but you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

The two of you have vastly different expectations of what is normal and appropriate.

Personally, it would piss me off but possibly not as much as it is upsetting you. You said money is tight. I’d tell DH you can’t afford to all go and suggest that he take her instead of you. His reaction would be telling. Would he be willing to go on holiday without you just to ensure he doesn’t feel guilty about not fulfilling her dream? I’d tell him my dream would involve a husband who put me first, how do I go about fulfilling that dream?

Oh bugger. It's a really tough one isn't it, if your DH is going along with it. I think it's great to spend one on one time with your parent but there's limits and I think your DH must enforce them. A few dinners a month with her thats ok, but you have get to have the equal amount of time to do something with a friend or relative while he watches the children and you can have some downtime.

The holiday thing wouldn't be so bad if there were a bigger group. When we've been on family holidays in the past, my mum, sis and me had a dinner alone one night, due to wanting to try a specific restaurant the others didn't fancy, but they also got to do the same, so no one was left with all the childcare and everyone (with kids) had a few hours free time.

I think the only way round it would be if you all got equal time to yourself, so MIL watched the kids while you and DH had an evening out, and then perhaps DH looks after the kids one afternoon while you have a few hours to yourself. If that's not an option they're open to, they're being very unreasonable.

It's giving Lucille and buster bluth. Maybe they should go on a cruise together alone

The idea of doing this holiday 'before she dies' is ludicrous. She probably has a life expectancy of another 20 years. I agree that doing the 121 dinner on holiday is a completely different dynamic. I would use it as an opportunity to to discuss the dynamic with your husband. Maybe get him to ask his friends if anybody else would do the same in similar circumstances The answer will be no. Everyone would go out as a family. I wouldn't expect her to be babysitter.

Maybe it's just me but a week alone in my own house without a 7yo and a 4yo would seem like an amazing holiday for me 😂!

67 fit and healthy - is she retired?

if she is retired, she should look for part time work if she wants to go on holiday and can't afford it.

It’s not really a big effort for your grandkids.
I actually can’t believe she would ask you to pay and then want to go out without you both. It’s quite weird.

Pretty much this!

This used to happen often when DD was little and my Mum came on holiday with us. One night my Mum would stay in with DD so me and DP could go out together, another I'd go out with my Mum, and sometimes DP would go out with my Mum and I'd stay in with DD.

As a one off I really don't see the issue, but then my Mum was very easy going, there wasn't all the other backstory you mentioned.

ITA: It's like his mother is playing the part of the OW. OP: If he does this, then he can have the kids one night while you go out and spend some money on yourself. A nice meal, a trip to the spa for a massage, some shopping for yourself, whatever floats your boat. Remember, it's YOUR holiday too.

It seems like his mother is trying to push you aside. She is treating you as his wife, but as "the person who gave her grandchildren" and now has no more use to her.

It's nice that he takes her out twice a month, but if he isn't taking you out more often than that, he's a wanker with mommy issues.

My DH goes to his Mom's once a month and meets up there with his sisters and brother and they have fun. I am totally invited, but love that they are having this time with their Mom. Other than that time, my DH considers me #1, just as I consider him #1.