DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

@yeesh I think because the starting point was so unbelievably bad the fact we have now got to this feels great compared to what it was. Don't want to get into all the gory details but MIL has been the main problem since the beginning, moving was amazing and has meant I can ignore or not notice most of the madness, but this is bringing it all up again.

The dinner alone is weird.

I do often feel like people are weird about mothers and sons - mothers and daughters can be super codependent and it's seen as lovely but mothers and sons being close is seen as weird.

She's his Mum ffs. Of course she wants to spend some time with him. She shouldn't have to be "childcare" to be welcome. Most parents of adult children want to spend time with their adult children, and don't have to pay for their children's time in jobs. It shouldn't be transactional like that.

Do you not want to have a relationship with your children once they become adults?

@OolongTeaDrinker they spend time together at least once a week - sometimes a quick coffee but regularly dinners out together. I don't object to that. I feel weird about them doing it on holiday whilst I'm not invited though and sitting in the hotel room.

It's weird you find it odd and I think it's a wonderful role model for your children. Poor woman is on her own, has raised the man you love and wanted to have kids with - she's clearly done a good job.
My mum is alone and I regularly spend time with her, she also hangs out with my family. On holiday I would have been horrified if she was relegated to child minder.

Surely she shouldn’t expect to be fully financed and then private meal out on said holiday while giving nothing back in return.

We have been away with my parents in the UK before - the difference is they've always paid for everyone and it's been a larger group. Not once have they ever suggested a splinter group for dinner, especially one without DH where he would be left with the kids whilst i went out with them. They wouldn't dream of it!

Of course they wouldn’t because its rude! Is MIL enjoying the power she has over your DH? Seeing him alone at home is a very different dynamic to leaving the only other adult to eat with the kids on a family holiday.

I think it's really odd. I am a mother/grandmother and would never expect to have dinner on my own with my son if on holidays with them. I would be offering to sit with the kids while my son and wife went out.

But be the better person and enjoy an evening in. It sounds like an odd relationship, but it's not going to change now.

Why not just send them on holiday alone? No way I’d want to go on holiday with my MIL, but I’d be quite happy for Dh to take the dc on his own.

But I do think it’s okay for them to have time together. I’d give them a whole day to go off and enjoy being stuck together! My Dh has this thing where we must always at all times do everything together with his family. I’ve finally just started refusing to do things so that he has to take his mum to lunch and spend time with her without me.

Personally, I’d be staying home and enjoying a lovely peaceful childfree week.

The twosome only dinner is a bit odd but I think I would go along with it for 1 night. I'd want somewhere child friendly like Centre Parcs though. You can do activities with the kids, have something to eat and then chill back at the lodge. Have a glass of wine in the hot tub whilst DH and MiL potter off for dinner.

I wouldn't object if everything else was even. But it's not. If she's not "contributing a penny" then I'd be pissed off too. Because I bet you don't get loads of baby sitting or romantic meals in return.

The MIL is not paying for her share of the holiday. It's not about paying for time with her son with jobs. It's about her recognising that her son and dil are covering the costs of her holiday. Presumably the OP isn't planning to sponge off her children when they are adults .

Why don’t you offer to take her out instead? 😜

Really, you would be horrified if your mum babysat a couple of evenings as a thank you for giving her a free holiday?

No I’d hate this and think it’s weird.

Really? People wouldn't take their parents away unless they pay for it in childcare? Really? Not how our family works. We happily treated them. Sadly now deceased, and very much missed, but we appreciated what they did for us growing up, and were happy to including them and treat them when we could without any kind of payment ecpected for it.

@Mrsphilmiller the thought did cross my mind actually but that would legitimise the idea that it's normal I suppose!

Very weird op . Who does that? He’s married to you not his mum. Time for her to discover holidays with friends. You are a very patient and tolerant wife. If I had to take my mil on holiday we would e be divorced!

Say yes, great idea. 3 out of 7 evenings adult only meals and the kids get a much needed early night.

One night out you and DH
One night out DH and MIL
One night out you and MIL

Use it as an opportunity to bond with her a bit without DH and the kids there. I've had to navigate an overbearing MIL and her Son Who Can Do No Wrong 🤣. Since I made an active effort to be a friend and support to her it's been great. Never looked back.

She's still a pain in the arse at times, as am I probably, but I love her now and I think the feeling is mutual 😊

It’s not about ‘being close’. It’s going out together whilst on a family holiday and leaving his wife and kids in the hotel room!! I’m close to my DS but I would never do this to his wife.

In normal circumstances this wouldn't be an issue but dynamic you described is weird.

So when your parents paid for you, what payment in kind did you feel you should give them? Or do you think family generosity without obligation only goes one way?

Really, you would be horrified if your mum babysat a couple of evenings as a thank you for giving her a free holiday?

No, as I very clearly said 'if she had been relegated to childcare'.