DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

I haven’t read all the responses but no, he should not be taking his mother out for dinner and leaving you with the kids whilst on holiday. Not on. And I’m always very pro the MIL…

I think my only issue with this would be the money side of things. I'd have no issue with my MIL coming on holiday or spending 1:1 time with her son, it's great they have a close relationship and they should be able to maintain that without you getting jealous. I'd insist that she pays her way though.

I think there may be issues with the way the DH was bought up and the MIL's expectations.

HD's dad. Where is he in all this. Did he run off, was he killed... Just putting this out there but it sounds like MIL thinks the men of thr house have to take care of the women in all regards. As soon as DH was old enough she may have convinced him he must be 'man of the house' now and 'keep'her'.

This is a very old way of thinking. Doing it on purpose??? Don't know.

It is certainly financial abuse and it's good DH realised and stopped paying her bills. Surely she will have money coming in even if it's state pension.

I would not be happy either but if this does go ahead I would be asking her to sign a written agreement that she will look after the DC either/or/and 1 night, 1 day. And she has to find her own spending money apart for the meal DH take her for.

Perspective can through some good questions out there and if I were OP I would be sitting DH down to discuss this.

Aww I just find this really sad 🥹. I feel like there has to be a happy medium. Nothing wrong with a mother and son wanting to spend time just the two of them - the same as old friends, partners just change the dynamic.

But in the case of this OP, mil and DH spend loads of 1on1, and mil expects DIL to co-fund her holiday , and use DIL for babysitting , while she has dinner with her son!! Just rude AF in this case.

I’m always baffled when I see posts like this. Setting aside the solo dinner which I think would only be ok in a larger group where there could be multiple splinter groups so you aren’t solo with the kids- 67 is young if there are no health issues.
Her life expectancy is probably around 80. I’m in Australia- the pension age is 67. My mum is 71 and not a ‘young’ 71. But she isn’t bunging it on re doing holidays before she dies. She regularly drives 55miles to visit my son and I and doesn’t stay the night; she does sometimes though. If your husband can commute every day from your home to near hers to work she can come to you occasionally.
Your mother in law is going to be guilting your husband to do things with her before she dies for years- which is just unacceptably manipulative to me.
People should spend time with each other in healthy way that are within their budgets without guilt and nonsense.
You and your husband should be the primary team. He should consult you; would you like a solo night- should he and MIL take the kids? I think you doing the childcare for them is off.

Oh don't worry, we do have plenty of time together, just the two of us 😊. My son normally comes back to the UK alone, but I wouldn't dream of insisting upon it, or excluding my DiL from anything when they're both over.

I agree, this MiL's behavour is problematic in a number of ways...

You might have a point if it was just for one night. The OP's husband takes his mother out to dinner every single week, leaving his wife at home with the kids.

He pays for these meals out of family money and will be paying for his mum's flights, accommodation and spending money on holiday. He will then leave his wife to look after their children in a hotel room while he takes his mum out to dinner. No wonder she is furious.

I haven’t read all the replies so I don’t know if anyone has posted this. If she’s using the excuse that she feels she might die soon to guilt your DH into nights out with him on her own etc she sounds like she may be a narcissistic mother or have narcissistic traits. You mentioned that there has been a lot of other stuff that’s happened in the past with her. Google and research it. It might prove to be some insightful reading and help you understand her and what’s going on and maybe how to deal with it. I think it would be good to have another holiday just the 4 of you though, if you can afford it.

in that context it’s unreasonable lol ☺️ Thanks

Don't make an issue. If it was you mother I am sure it would be different.
He is earning let them go on holiday on their own.
Mone will come and go
At least your husband will appreciate your support.
Will lead into stronger bond.
Why waste money for whole when your can save money and your peace of mind.
Use the money saved for a holiday with your family and agree with you husband it is only for us minus mil
Work on compromise.
You do not have to be on all the events by your husbands side.give him space for a better stronger relationship

I wouldn’t be paying for the old bag to join us in the first place…. But if I did, there is absolutely no way that she would get to dine with hubby without the rest of us. It’s a family holiday, and you and the children are his family. And that is a cross to die on. If he wants to see her on his own at home fine. But she doesn’t get to hijack your family holiday, and expect you to pay for the privilege. No way. Tell hubby she’s not coming and he can take her out for a day when he gets home.

Sounds like she’s trying to split you up

I don’t see the problem is it was the OPs Mother, would people be shooting her down for going out for her dinner with just her mum, one night of the holiday?

I asked a man about this thread he said to me that the reason why he keeps his mum close and takes her out is he doesn't trust his wife. If she ever leaves him he has mum to go back to. I actually do believe that my brother was like that kept my mum close until the day he weaseled back in. I wonder if everything is okay in the relationship?

Does you husband have the same number of 1:1 dates with you?
If not, aside from the cost it’s a bit concerning that he is investing more quality time with his mother at a stage in life that is very taxing for a couple.
I also know how tiring it can be to wrangle kids solo; do you get the same amount of time away?

Used to take my mother on family holidays and when friends came along too, often found it quite difficult/stressful being a wife, mother, daughter and friend, too many roles to play. Also my husband and mother would often drink too much and I would be belittled for staying sober. Needless to say the marriage didn't last.

Hi, she sounds like a nightmare. I am a nana. Just come back from hol with my daughter, SIL and GD. I paid my share of everything, and told them to go out for a meal one evening while I babysit. I was happy to be there with them and share that time, helping out with my GD. I spend other time with my daughter, she does not pay for me though! You are the one who needs alone time with your husband not her!!

So he stays close to mommy in case bad mean wife leaves him. WTF this thread is getting weirder and weirder by the second.

Also if my own husband was taking and treating his mother to a dinner solo every single week while I had dinner without my husband and kids once every week I would just assume he would be taking me out and treating me kid free one night as well. I would say to him, "so you treated your mother to dinner Monday evening what night are you taking me as your wife out to dinner and treating me you know as husband and wife." If he looks at you like you're crazy then it's official he is treating his mother better than his wife and putting her first which is hugely problematic.A man should definitely be whining and dining his wife a hell of a lot more or at least as much as his mother.

Wow some of these (not all!) these responses amaze me. A lot of posters are speculating whether they go to dinner alone "too much" or whether he is "too" close to his mother. If the OP who is living this situation in real time everyday is feeling that way then who are we as complete strangers to say her feelings are wrong. Not sure what exactly needs to be discussed every single week that he needs his wife excluded from these dinners? Let's start there. The fact this husband doesn't want his wife to be a part of his relationship with his mother or for them to form some sort of bond and connect during these dinners is a huge red flag for me and our marriage. I know I enjoy spending time with my MIL as well and if my husband told me I couldn't be there every week I would be pretty upset. Also one of the previous posters mentioned that she secretly prefers it when her DIL isn't around and prefers it just to be her son so maybe this MIL prefers the same. Ok while sure that may be the case and of course MIL is entitled to her feelings just like the OP is that doesn't mean it's ok to actually exclude her DIL. Some MILs still expect to be first before the wives and something tells me they wouldn't tolerate that type of behavior from their own husbands. Using the possibility of divorce as an argument is such a weak argument that anyone who throws that around as an actual argument I automatically dismiss.

@FussyFusspott - have you managed to have a word with your DH about this? Just wondering if dinner with his mother is still on the cards?

Apparently yes that's the feed back I got from a man. What's wrong with your adult son/daughter staying close to their motherr?

It's not the close to mom part that is concerning it's the reasoning behind it because his wife might leave him?! It reads as if he doesn't have any other support system and his mom is his only support system. For a man old enough to be married it's very odd if his support network hasn't broadened. What about friends or other family members? It is giving me enmeshed with his mother vibes.

One thing for a man to be close to his mother another for a man to be emotionally dependent on her well into adulthood and especially after marriage. In the OP clearly he values his relationship with his mom more than his wife and a wife should definitely be the top priority in building a relationship with and come first.

It is refreshing to hear your candor and common sense; your ability to assess your own - for better word biases. A wife only needs to remember she will only have to deal with a MIL for so long. Letting your DH have alone time with his mother is impressive - communicates much about how much class and kindness you have and you are so kind.