DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

I think there are 3 ways to handle this 1: resent it and seeth the entire time 2: let them have a dinner on the condition that you guys get a dinner as a couple 3: don't go on the holiday.

Yes she sounds like hard work but I think your letting the past cloud your judgement here. 1 dinner on holiday is not a big deal I took my mum out for dinner for we took her on holiday.
Maybe your worried its sending things backwards but as long as your clear with boundaries and your DH boundaries then it will be fine.

@FollowingForTheCraic I wouldn't want them to go with the kids without me - fine just DH and MIL but then no we wouldn't be able to afford another holiday so not really an option.

It is odd. It is OP's holiday and she would prefer his mother not to come but it was sold to her by her husband that she would babysit while they went out one evening. It wasn't OP's idea and she isn't that bothered about it. However, he wants to take his mother out on his own, leaving OP with the kids which is just weird. His mum is also paying nothing for the holiday.

If this post were saying that a husband objects to his wife having dinner with her mother a couple of times a month there would be a totally different reaction! Obviously the mother should at least be offering to pay something towards the meal and the question of the holiday is different though.

We brought my widowed mother on hols with us this year. She babysat one night while Dh and i went out together and another night, me and my mum went out on our own. Totally normal in my opinion.

Sounds like hard work - I don’t see why she can’t hang out with both of you!

Could you have her come for just part of the holiday? We are going away for 12 days, my mum is joining us for 5 days (also 67) - both my partner and I find her good fun and quite helpful though, we usually let our kid stay up a little late on holidays and have meals out with us and then have some drinks on the balcony when we get home. You should actively encourage her to join some clubs, my mum is a joiner so has a huge social group and is always busy - 67 is not elderly in this day and age!

Agree with this

MN is absolutely bonkers at times. My mum has joined us for holidays before and we will always try to go out for drinks / dinner one night while DH minds the kids. I’ve never even thought twice about it, neither has DH. I love to spend time with my mum on holiday just as much as I do DH and kids. Doesn’t mean I’m basically dating her FGS.

Likewise if my DH’s mum was with us I’d be encouraging them to go out without me. Parents don’t stop being important figures and people we like to spend time with just because we have our own kids and partner. I’m clearly very much in the minority here though so prepared to get absolutely flamed.

An adult having a close same sex relationship with a parent is really generally a good thing. But this kind of mother/son father/daughter enmeshment is often a form of “covert incest” or spousification and it can be very damaging to the adult child’s marriage.

Why isn't she paying for herself? I have been away with my adult kids and I always pay my way.

@thepariscrimefiles she has always been terrible with money. She works but because of her own spending has no money.

Exactly this! I love time just alone with my mum, yes I see her with my DH there too and enjoy that too, but it changes the dynamic for sure.

Good point.

Bollocks.

This completely bonkers

Surely, if you are not thrilled about her coming on holidays with you, you would be happy to have a night off from entertaining her in the evenings? In a similar situation, I certainly did - went out and had dinner with the kids and had a lovely chilled time while my husband took his mum out.

Its not bollicks. Its quite common and is often a problem. The dh here is obviously playing a spousal role for his mother. Helps her with money, acts as her partner at the wedding. She is very dependent on him.

It's one night on his holiday but OP's DH takes his mum to dinner on their own at least one night a week at home.

Lol!

I’ve read some bonkers things on Mumsnet over the years, and this has to be a contender for first place 😂

You said you feel uneasy about it. That is reason enough not to go on holiday with your MIL.

Your MIL sounds very manipulative asking to go on an all-expenses paid holiday and reminding your DH she may die as a reason. She already works - so why is it yours and your DH's problem to fund her because she actively chooses to spend it on her own things? Also, she sees your DH regularly, alone, at least once a week - yet wants to butt in on your only family holiday time?

YANBU. It’s a nothing is ever enough type of person/dynamic.
She got to come on holiday with you all - but now you find it’s not enough. Wants time with him on her own. That’s kind of rude considering they go out for dinner alone on such a regular basis anyway.

Wouldn’t stand for that in a million years. She’s exerting her power over you. Your DH should say ‘Mum we’d love you to come away, but I can’t pay for you and every night the five of us will go out. It’s a family holiday.’

I wouldn’t ask her to babysit, that’s then like you owe her.

Personally I think she knows what she’s doing is wrong. How many husbands would leave their wife and kids on holiday so he can go out alone with his Mum?? It’s fucking odd. If she wants to come on your family holiday, she spends time with the WHOLE family and falls in line with your plans.

She is his mother. Stop being so possessive. It wont hurt you to take her on holiday and for her to go out out with her son one evening. You sound like a bit of a nightmare tbh.

If this is your only holiday then I’d not go with her and I’d expect her to pay her way. It doesn’t sound like you have the budget for all this wining and dining - I’d expect her to eat with the family and ask her to babysit whilst you and your husband go out together. What happens when she stops working - does she expect your husband to fund her again? The manipulative behaviour is appalling.