DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

Please do not take it upon yourself to 'fix' my comments. If you have something to say, use your words rather than changing mine.

That is effectively what is happening!! I have no idea why you think your "point" is "tangential"?

His mother is literally over-possessive! How many MILs do you know who behave like this??

You don't get to tell me what to post.

I think in this instance, it's a more effective way of getting the point across.

I don't expect to get it across to you - you're not listening to anyone else.

>>>her leaching dinner off him every week or whatever!

Honestly I think this is a disgusting way to view your parents and family
generally. It goes back to what I said previously - everyones views are influenced by their own perspective.

When I was younger and well into adulthood and earning my parents would ALWAYS pay for me if we went out for dinner. I could afford to pay but they paid for me and never saw me as 'leaching'.

Now they are retired, I ALWAYS pay for them. I don't regard that as leaching. I regard it as love. I like seeing them. I enjoy their company. They sacrificed a great deal and paid for me in many many ways. That's it. That's my perspective. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who saw paying for their parents for dinner or on holiday as leaching. Even if it was requested or asked for. It's just not how I see my parents or feel towards them nor them to me even when I was being paid for by them.

It's just an unpleasant way to view your own family. BUT the people using this kind of language are all looking at it from the point of view of DIL and hostile towards MIL and bad relationships with parents and inlaws.

It all comes down to your own perspective and own life experiences and own relationships with your parents and your inlaws.

Does it bollocks. And I think it's disgusting and beneath contempt for you to try to belittle my close relationship with my late parents and late ILs, who have all sadly been dead for many years, to make your nasty little point. I miss them all the time and I don't feel any need to justify our relationship to you. As for "unpleasant" - what about the "unpleasant way" you have portayed my relationship with my family!?

This is not you, your parents, or your ILs. You are totally projecting. Can't you accept that all family relationships are not the same as yours?? In spite of your comment, "everyones [sic] views are influenced by their own perspective"?? No, I have news for you. Some of us are able to be objective. This situation is totally foreign to me, but I can clearly see that this MIL is absolutely leeching from them! She is taking money that the family can ill afford - the OP has said that - and she has required money for living expenses in the past when they couldn't afford it either. What kind of gp would take from the mouths of her own grandchildren?! What sort of mother expects her son to take this time away from his WIFE and his CHILDREN to buy her dinner - something he seldom or never does for them!?

Why can't they engage in something less expensive if she can't afford to go out to dinner? Meet for coffee, or he could go to her house.

She isn't retired like your parents - she is still working and earning her own money!

If you lack the ability to understand that, it's on you.

You are correct. Two wrongs don't make a right. I should have been the adult, since I am one. I apologize.

But, you don't know if the MIL ever, ever used to pay for OP, her DH and children for anything when they were first married and younger.
My parents did when we were first married and quite stretched thin. That was wonderful and so very appreciated. When we started doing better, we started giving it back, many times over. We continued until both my parents passed. It was the same with my DH's parents. We would have been sunk without them a few times in our first years. We were so thankful and have never ever forgotten it and we make sure MIL is well cared for with plenty of attention.
Neither parental party ever EXPECTED us to give back to them. Ever. And they made that perfectly clear.

That said, neither you nor I have any idea of how the MIL ever treated the young family. She has also expected money to fund her lifestyle at the detriment to her DS's family, and got angry when the support mostly ended. She is not sitting at home all woebegone and never seeing her DS. She sees him often, quite often. He does everything for her when they go out. We don't know if he treats his wife anywhere close to that nicely. We do know he had no problem ignoring his wife at a wedding by acting like his mother's plus one.

I don't think people should be using how their family acted and behaved and think everyone's family is that great and assume the OP's MIL is like their DM. It certainly sounds like she is nothing like mine or my DH's MIL. Or yours. We are/were blessed. I don't think the OP has that experience.

Does it bollocks. And I think it's disgusting and beneath contempt for you to try to belittle my close relationship with my late parents and late ILs, who have all sadly been dead for many years, to make your nasty little point

Woohoo! Touched a nerve there did I? Fortifies my view entirely.

I wasn't making 'a nasty little point' 🙄. I was expressing my OPINION that I think to describe this as LEACHING which is your word (Your Word) is a disgusting view of a parent - whether paying for dinner is asked for, begged for, needed or unneed or freely given.

This is not you, your parents, or your ILs. You are totally projecting. Can't you accept that all family relationships are not the same as yours?? In spite of your comment, "everyones [sic] views are influenced by their own perspective"?

This is absolutely hilarious because I have been repeatedly saying this - everyone is coming at this with their own view including me. That's my point. I'm not repeating it again but your explosive reaction is very comedy tbh - and I'm very sure that my opinion about posters coming at this with your viewpoint is totally justified. It's a very very odd view of a parent to ever think of them as a leach if you had a good and happy upbringing your parents will have given you far more and sacrificed far more for you than you can ever repay with a bunch of dinners. Its a weird and unhappy dynamic to think paying for a parent, even repeatedly, is a leach - unless you are talking about a situation where your parent has an abusive issue like spending all their money on drugs or gambling.

PS: I very much enjoyed your [sic] btw. You do realise this is an internet board and the keyboard warrior doesn't always use a spell checker or give a toss about a missed apostrophe.

PPS: Leaching [sic] btw if you want to play that game.

Leach: to drain or seep.

💯⬆THIS! ⬆
I have asked that same question. How often does OP's DH take her out to a nice dinner and spend time with just her? I am actually afraid of the answer.

A few posters are taking statements and running with them as some mortal offense because some of us are saying, He spends a lot of time already with his mother, and OP doesn't seem to mind a bit. But, when she ends up in MIL's and DH's company at a wedding, she got ignored by the two of them. Now MIL wants to come on a holiday and not pay a fricking dime? WHO expects that? When it's done because a family can afford it, that's one thing. But to demand it and expect it, even though the family would have to be in debt to take her along? WHO expects that? If she wanted to spend time with "her grandchildren", she'd make a point of coming to the house and seeing them, taking them places and having them to her house for overnighters. She works and has money but yet, spends it all on herself and then wants her DS and his family to sacrifice to give her more.

As a PP said, "BOLLOCKS!" Not all mothers are wonderful, and neither are all MILs. Some take the cake in selfishness, like this woman.

@SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus Can they afford it with 2 children?
Is it reasonable to take money that could be spent on the children?
How does your comment help the op and her bank balance. They have 2 children he should not be spending money on nights out with his mother. His mother should not be emotionally blackmailing her son into taking her on holiday. Then demanding they have an evening out together with the wife and kids in the hotel room wish she was my mil she deserves an award. The op is saying they can't afford it but he won't stop he's enabling her.

Guilting your adult child, using them as a piggy bank because you can’t be bothered to save money, and demanding a holiday from them is disgusting even more so when they can’t afford it. Where is the money supposed to come from?

I don’t have the same issue as OP.

I go on holidays with my in-laws and my parents. I have had meals alone with my in-laws with our children in tow and with my MIL. I go and have tea and cake with DH’s mum, sisters, and aunts.

My in-laws are retired and my parents still work. Neither would ever demand anything from us nor was I raised to ever think such behaviour was acceptable from anyone especially family.

I was not taught by my parents to make demands of people and assume what their finances are. I definitely wasn’t taught to give money to people if I can’t afford to do so and doing that was not only foolish but stupid when giving to someone who is bad with money. My father reiterates that I and my sister do not owe them anything because they chose to have us and it was their duty and responsibility as parents to take care of us and raise us to be good. successful adults and expect us to do the same with our own children.

They and my in-laws would never behave like OP’s MIL.

Well it fucking took you long enough to notice my first typo smart alec. Woo hoo.

Nope, sorry, I don't care enough about ignorant random strangers on the internet so you haven't touched a nerve at all. However, it says it all about you that you take delight in thinking you have upset someone over their dead parents. I trust that made your night.

The OP said that her MIL squanders money recklessly but I guess that's ok so long as it's not gambling or drugs 🙄

I won't be interacting with you any further so go and pick on someone who cares, Your parents have done a sterling job, haven't they...

Thank god to see someone with some commonsense!

I think that @Runnerinthenight is correct with 'leeching' in the context of MIL leeching off OP's DH and family.

Grammarly says:

Leach and leech are two words that are often confused due to their similar pronunciation and spelling. However, they have distinct meanings and uses. Leach refers to the process of a substance being drained away or removed, usually via a liquid passing through a permeable material, extracting soluble components. In contrast, leech pertains to a type of blood-sucking worm or, metaphorically, a person who exploits or clings to someone else for personal gain.

And yes I know I'm being a pedantic twat.

This. I think your ML is taking the piss! She's 67 not 87 and unless she has some condition you don't know about she's very unlikely to die in the short term. She's playing on the heartstrings of your DH and he is too weak to see it. You have a DH problem here as well as an MIL problem. I think I would be saying that he should take her and the kids on holiday without you as the finances won't stretch. Enjoy some time for yourself. She is driving a wedge between the two view. If she can't afford to contribute or pay for the holiday, she shouldn't be going.

I think the misuse of family money would be one of the biggest things for me.
The money that goes on paying for meals out with his DM and her share of a holiday is money that should be going towards your DCs futures, or at the very least family meals out or a meal out for just you and DH.

Maybe malicious compliance is the only way to go. Yes MIL can come on holiday, but because you're paying for everyone it's self catering and she shares a room with the DCs. Meal out with DH, well can the meagre holiday budget cover it, ask DH if there's still enough to go out as a family.

I'd be putting my foot down over the money. You can't afford to pay for her jollies with your own young family. And if she can't manage to afford it now when she is still working, everything- including the time demands- are going to ramp up many notches when she retires. This will be at the point your DCs have turned into expensive and demanding ( time and money) teens. Your DH needs to have his priorities straight before then.

Whoops for you! Guess your "gotcha" on @Runnerinthenight has circled back on ya.

@thepariscrimefiles You weren't being pedantic at all. You corrected a wrong correction. Plus, you were totally right and the rest of us missed it. I love it!

@SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus Good point but there are a few variables here

• how often would your parents expect you to take them out and pay and they expect you to take them on holiday and pay?
• do you have a very high level of disposable income.

From a 54yr old mother of an only son aged 32…Who also has a DIL and 3 g’babies. Sometimes mum and son just like to spend time together.. just for one night having a meal and talking. Don’t over think it. It’s one evening.. you have forever xx

I'm sorry, but this is just weird... my partners mum would never expect my partner to ever be like that as she's on her own... she wouldn't dream of such a thing... if wants to have dinner with her son, that's fine, but she would expect me and the kids to be there too

As for her driving 20 miles for childcare, why would she have to stay the night? My parents drove 20 miles every weekend (until my father died, he did the driving as my mum doesn't drive) and have my kids and would go back. My mum 2 months ago did a 40 mile round trip by bus to drop off my kids

Mil seems a bit needy and i think she probably could do with some friends or a companion

I brought up my son on my own - just the two of us. My DiL is lovely and I love her very much but I confess... I secretly prefer the time my son and I spend together without her. They live abroad so I don't see either of them very often.

As it was just always the two of us since he was a baby, we've developed some quirks in the way we communicate with each other - just sillinesses - which would seem weird to other people, so when my lovely DiL is about it changes the dynamics of interactions with my son.

However, I would never dream of telling either one of them this, and I certainly wouldn't be demanding separate time with my son. He has his family now, and I would never interfere with that. In my view, you're right to be pissed off... but perhaps don't take it personally, if that makes any sense!

Can you stop it? Do you want to? Would it be worth it? What else might happen? What might the fallout be?

What do to want to achieve, and how do to want to come across?

This! It is really fucking weird! She is supposed to be the most mature adult in the situation and she is acting like a fucking spoilt child. My mum whether she was on her own or not would NEVER do this. Lay down the law with him. And tell him it won't be happening again. The cheek of saying I'll have to go out on my own with her when you are paying for ABSOLUTELY everything is beyond belief! She is supposed to provide for him as his parent, that is the natural order of things. She isn't supposed to demand things from him. I'm actually incensed about this. 😡