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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

260 replies

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 19:40

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

OP posts:
RoaryLion1 · 06/10/2024 19:59

I think you and your partner sound very immature to be honest. Firstly, you should have considered how to pay for childcare well in advance, not be scrabbling around asking for help to pay the fees when your mat leave is over - didn’t you think about the costs before you had a baby and start saving? And it was immature of your partner to ask his Dad to pay without asking MIL if she still wanted to contribute. It sounds like she’d confirmed to you that she was happy to pay but couldn’t discuss payment while she was on holiday, so why didn’t your partner ask her again before going to his Dad? I’m not surprised MIL has reacted badly to all this TBH.

Original poster
insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:03

RoaryLion1 · 06/10/2024 19:59

I think you and your partner sound very immature to be honest. Firstly, you should have considered how to pay for childcare well in advance, not be scrabbling around asking for help to pay the fees when your mat leave is over - didn’t you think about the costs before you had a baby and start saving? And it was immature of your partner to ask his Dad to pay without asking MIL if she still wanted to contribute. It sounds like she’d confirmed to you that she was happy to pay but couldn’t discuss payment while she was on holiday, so why didn’t your partner ask her again before going to his Dad? I’m not surprised MIL has reacted badly to all this TBH.

She had told me early on in pregnancy she'd look after my baby when I went back to work. That was the plan. Then she told me months after baby was born she could no longer do it so we were limited to time to find her a nursery. And again my partner and I were trying to contact her but she wouldn't communicate back and told me not to talk to her. What was I supposed to do? We contacted her multiple times and she was passive aggressive not to bother her. Unfortunately we had to sort out with another plan. I can't organise with someone who refuses to communicate.

OP posts:
Starzinsky · 06/10/2024 20:07

Seems to be miscommunication. Hard to see what your MIL has done wrong in the grand scheme of things. Probably not unreasonable to expect to be contacted about bills after a holiday but unfortunately wasn't co-ordinatated in advance of the holiday. Not sure why she needs to interact with your social media and tell you how proud she is of a 2 year old. Seems a very unreasonable reason to want to cut someone off.

SleepToad · 06/10/2024 20:09

So basically you are cutting her off because she isn't giving you money. Your posting on social media not being responded to is an excuse. It's about the cash..you have a child which you can't afford at this stage in your life and she offered to bail you out....and because she's not paying up when you want...

letmego24 · 06/10/2024 20:10

I mean it's all crazy. No contact?? So extreme. Why on earth should she pay nursery fees, or if she does , it's on her terms I'm afraid. What a shitshow as Gordon Ramsay would say

letmego24 · 06/10/2024 20:11

Yes you are in the wrong.

Liverpool52 · 06/10/2024 20:12

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:03

She had told me early on in pregnancy she'd look after my baby when I went back to work. That was the plan. Then she told me months after baby was born she could no longer do it so we were limited to time to find her a nursery. And again my partner and I were trying to contact her but she wouldn't communicate back and told me not to talk to her. What was I supposed to do? We contacted her multiple times and she was passive aggressive not to bother her. Unfortunately we had to sort out with another plan. I can't organise with someone who refuses to communicate.

Edited
Show quote history

So you were already pregnant when she said she'd do that? What was your plan before she offered and why can't you revert to that now?

Happygogoat · 06/10/2024 20:12

YABU for having a baby and not working out how to pay for these things yourselves.

if you’ve been together 2 years and have a 9 month old it sounds like you were together perhaps 6 months before falling pregnant. No judgement on that but all of this really should have been clear way way in advance and before the baby war born to be honest. That’s what many people have to do!

it seems immature to expect her to engage with Fb posts. If she isn’t contacting you in general I can see why you’re annoyed but does she not contact her son? Why does it have to be you? I think all of this should be dealt with by him anyway.

Namenamchange · 06/10/2024 20:14

You sound quite easy to fall out with.

But what do you gain for going no contact?
a few minutes of revenge and then what?

Circumferences · 06/10/2024 20:14

That poor woman. Of course YABU.

Original poster
insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:16

For a place that's meant to be a safe space for Mum's this is the nastiest judgemental space I have ever been in. So much for Mum's supporting Mum's hey?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 06/10/2024 20:16

I have to say I also think YABU.

She didn’t wanted to be hounded about bills while on holiday, that’s certainly not a crime. And instead of her son speaking to her about it he’s just asked his dad instead.

PiggleToes · 06/10/2024 20:16

I think you are being very unreasonable I’m afraid.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/10/2024 20:17

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:16

For a place that's meant to be a safe space for Mum's this is the nastiest judgemental space I have ever been in. So much for Mum's supporting Mum's hey?

You’ve asked if you are being unreasonable, and you’ve gotten an answer you don’t like OP.

Supporting others doesn’t just mean blindly agreeing with them even when they are in the wrong.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 06/10/2024 20:17

How are you planning to pay back? Why didn't you save up when you found out you were pregnant instead of "borrowing" or expecting free childcare from MIL? She's allowed to change her mind, she doesn't owe you childcare. Only people that owe your child care are you and her father.

As for getting the huff because she's not telling you she's proud because you post on social media, that's really immature.

Clueless2024 · 06/10/2024 20:18

If she has promised something, then reneged, I would be annoyed and feel let down. But, as the old saying goes (i'm paraphrasing) 'if you are old enough to have a baby, then you are old enough to figure out the nuances of paying for babies needs'. I wouldn't ask her for help or rely on her again, but no contact seems a bit extreme.

Cheepcheepcheep · 06/10/2024 20:18

YABU.

Look, I get that on Mumsnet, when everyone is on a mega salary, it’s easy to say ‘you should pay for your own DC childcare’. There are lots of people in the country (unrepresented on MN) who rely on family childcare to keep their heads above water.

But it sounds like you didn’t have a plan at all when you fell pregnant after a brief relationship. I’m sure you have your reasons. But I wouldn’t be bankrolling a couple of kids who decided to have a kid without a plan. Time to grow up and stand on your own two feet rather than spitting feathers about NC and the like.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 06/10/2024 20:18

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:16

For a place that's meant to be a safe space for Mum's this is the nastiest judgemental space I have ever been in. So much for Mum's supporting Mum's hey?

Your MIL is a mum too. You want people to judge her but not you.

Cheepcheepcheep · 06/10/2024 20:20

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 06/10/2024 20:18

Your MIL is a mum too. You want people to judge her but not you.

Show quote history

Quite.

narns · 06/10/2024 20:20

She's shown you that you can't rely on her.

She told you she would look after baby when you returned to work, then went back on it. She told you she would pay nursery fees then obstructed it by refusing to sort it out because she was on holiday. Of course you had to go to someone else, what did she think you would do?!

She sounds like she's been pretty passive aggressive and dismissive of you too.

I probably wouldn't go no contact over this, but I would not ask for help nor rely on her again. If she gets upset about that, and annoyed that you're seeking help from others, that's her issue to deal with.

I'd also lower your expectations of her. She clearly isn't going to be the grandparent you thought she would. That's her choice!

Hankunamatata · 06/10/2024 20:20

Yikes she doesn't want to pay the fees or doesn't have the finances to do so. She isn't a bank

RoaryLion1 · 06/10/2024 20:21

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:16

For a place that's meant to be a safe space for Mum's this is the nastiest judgemental space I have ever been in. So much for Mum's supporting Mum's hey?

But you asked for views! If you don’t want criticism then don’t ask strangers on the internet what they think.

I can see why you are annoyed if she’s been flaky on childcare, but it does sound a bit like you’re throwing a wobbly because she isn’t giving you what you want. Nobody owes you childcare or the means to fund it. And why did you leave it until she was on holiday to start pestering her for money? Why couldn’t you wait until she was back? How long was she away for?

helenv679 · 06/10/2024 20:23

I don't think you're being unreasonable. She shouldn't have offered if can't pay on time, obviously you'd have to chase her and would take someone else's offer.

Only thing I'm wondering is why you're dealing with it and not your partner if his mum?

Sorry you've met such judgement on this - AIBU is worst thread for that!

Growlybear83 · 06/10/2024 20:23

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:16

For a place that's meant to be a safe space for Mum's this is the nastiest judgemental space I have ever been in. So much for Mum's supporting Mum's hey?

You asked if you were being unreasonable and most people have told you that they think you are. Why do you think anyone, mums or anyone else, should support someone without question when they think they are in the wrong?

helenv679 · 06/10/2024 20:23

I don't think your being immature either*

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