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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

260 replies

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 19:40

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 09/10/2024 01:10

Growlybear83 · 08/10/2024 19:36

Is there ever a thread on Mumsnet about a parent where someone doesn't suggest that dementia is the cause of all the problems? 😆😆😆

Yea, lol . How the hell they come up with dementia for this is beyond me .

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 09/10/2024 10:44

Maddy70 · 06/10/2024 23:04

You mil has done nothing wrong. You sound very immature and frankly unreasonable x

Done nothing wrong?

said she'd look after the baby when OP went back to work.

said she'd LEND them the nursery fees

wouldn't talk to OP when the nursery invoice needed paying

was nasty to her telling OP not to contact her.

threw her toys out the pram when FIL loaned them the money

carried on throwing toys when she found out from someone else

your standards are very low if you find that acceptable.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 09/10/2024 10:45

Whitemale24 · 08/10/2024 19:33

Sounds like early onset dementia to me. Id cut ties and be glad. Next thing she'll be claiming 'grandparents rights' (yawn) knocking on your door demanding to see your child. Good. Bye.

It sounds NOTHING like dementia.

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2024 10:05

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/10/2024 16:13

You really need to apply common sense before you post.

They can't afford the full fees and funded hours don't start until January so they needed a way to handle it until January while she returns to work.

MIL offered to look after the child a few days a week until January then changed her mind. Then she offered to pay and they pay her back with the agreement for OP to reach out when the invoice was due.

She reached out when the invoice was due and MIL gets upset that she's on vacation and she should not contact her for a few weeks. Obviously the invoice is due and cannot wait while MIL enjoys her multi week no contact vacation so OP and fiancee ask his father to help which he did and MIL then gets upset asking why she is hearing that someone else has paid.

It's not that hard.

And the horrible MIL is not threatening to fire her son who works for her business.

Edited
Show quote history

Pot….kettle…black

😂😂😂

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2024 10:07

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2024 10:05

Pot….kettle…black

😂😂😂

Show quote history

Careful 😁

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2024 10:08

LoudGreyBalonz · 07/10/2024 16:14

I'm not making any assumptions. OP has posted that she walked out on her son as a child, and that her DP says that she has form for offering to help and take it back.

As to why she's causing a stink now, I'm not assuming anything, I'm suspecting something, which is why I used the word "suspect ".

oh my god. My sides hurt from laughing

I suspect one of you or @Ilovelifeverymuch is a sock account 😂😂

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2024 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jesus….

yeah I reckon your the OP. The vitriol you have towards people on this post…..

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2024 10:16

DaniW1234 · 07/10/2024 19:16

I voted you are not being unreasonable. But;

Many people are not big on social media. Some of us are rarely on it. It's something adults tend to grow out of when real life hits. Also, there is nothing more annoying than someone posting all the time about their baby. It's a 9 month old baby. That's all. They're not that interesting. They don't actually do anything at that age. We all have come across parents who post non-stop pictures about their babies that look identical to every other baby on the planet. To the extent some of us 'hide' or mute the poster because all you get is a non-stop wall of baby pictures. It's so bloody annoying! People get fatigue when someone posts continually about a baby and expect 'likes'. It's exhausting! As we get older, most of us grow out of that social media saturated baby post crap. So you sound like a silly teenager with that sort of stuff begging for 'likes'.

HOWEVER, you are not being unreasonable at all re the babysitting. It sounds to me like she is gaslighting you and accusing you of what she herself is doing; playing games with you. You needed the money quickly. What else were you going to do? It's more than obvious, OP, that you cannot rely on your MIL for anything at all. I too also would avoid her (as you said, not be there while she is there, it's not really going 'NC' as you just won't be there that's all, just letting her see her son and GC on their own) for the foreseeable future. She is flaky, nasty and a gaslighter.

That’s true. I mean I look at Facebook once every 6 months. Hate it

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2024 10:19

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2024 10:07

Careful 😁

Show quote history

♥️♥️

rayofsunshine86 · 10/10/2024 10:28

I'm amazed at the number of people who seem to think OP is in the wrong here. The MIL said early on in the pregnancy that she'd help with nursery fees, so I think it's very reasonable for OP and her DP to plan around that. When MIL didn't do what she said she'd do, they went to someone else for help. It's entirely reasonable!

I'd keep contact with her to the bare minimum, and instead get your DP to do all the organising with finances. Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Once January rolls around it'll be easier financially. You know about Government Childcare top-ups, right? Up to £500 per quarter per child. That helps too - I didn't know about it for about six months after our first started nursery.

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