Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

the op didn't 'think' she'd help, the MIL TOLD HER she'd look after the baby, then changed her mind, then offered to LEND them the money, but didn't want to talk about it AND was rude & nasty to the OP & put them under pressure to find the money for the nursery bill, then spat the dummy when she found out FIL lent them the money. Frankly it's none of her fucking business who lent them the money.

It would often be nice to hear the other side on these threads. It sounds as though you may have been pressurising and assuming too much from your mother in law and she's stepped back a bit.

Well yes, you are in the wrong OP. I think you are justified in feeling pissed off with your MIL's totally unreasonable behaviour but you really don't need to 'Cut her off'.
Just keep a healthy distance. That's all you need to do.

Thank you for that! It's really made me feel better. I've become a fantastic Mum to my daughter and people forget it's a financial struggle for everyone being parents in 2024

I agree with you. What a lot of people have assumed is I've relied on her for money. I've never asked for money she's always offered. And then withdrawing communication puts me in a difficult position. Unfortunately my family live hours away so I can't get help from when and financially I can't because we do come from a working class background and my fiances family is middle class.

How long are you planning to go no contact for OP? It sounds awfully difficult for all concerned. Kindly - be careful you’re not cutting off your nose to spite your face, as they say. I did that once, many years ago (close friend, not MIL, but a child was involved): felt like the right thing at the time. I regret it now, have done for years, but it’s too late now to change anything.

Not sure why are getting a hard time - YANBU @insomniac1994

Your MIL offered to look after your child
Then months later reneged on that so you are scrambling round for a nursery place
She offered to pay some/all of the fees
When the invoices are due she is away and asks you (repeatedly) not to contact her
Now you are stuck, as plan A and now B are not viable
So you ask hour Dad or FIL (sorry not sure which) and now your MIL is mad?

Fuck that.

If she doesn’t want to look after your child or pay nursery fees then that is totally fine but it’s not ok to promise you these, let you make plans based on these promises, leave you high and dry and then, to top it off, have the gall to be pissed off with you.

You mil has done nothing wrong. You sound very immature and frankly unreasonable x

I do not think you are being unreasonable, either. When it comes to childcare, you can't mess about. You relied on a promise that was then reneged. Be mindful that on MN, people get really triggered when someone gets, or has been offered, child care support. It seems not accepting or expecting any help whatsoever is a hill that many Mum MNs are willing to die on. Don't let them get to you. You will have noticed that most of the responses have been about having a go at you (even suggesting you got pregnant too soon!!) rather than actually answering the question you asked. I babysat my nephew one day a week when he was little for over a year and it helped his parents enormously while giving me some amazing one to one time with him. But this was something that I had promised and had to stick to. Your MIL promised to help and then changed the goal posts then told you not to contact her. Meanwhile, you had to find a solution and you did.

I admit I was rolling my eyes at the first half of the post but changed my mind for the second half.

YANBU, OP. She said she'd pay but then made herself unavailable at the time payment was needed. Your DP decided to get help from one of his other relatives instead, after MIL left you in the lurch, and for some reason she's sending nasty messages to you?

If she's never going to help her granddaughter again, why would you want her in your child's life?

You cannot honestly believe that, you're just getting a kick out of joining in the pile-on.

She should not have promised to pay and reneged. The rest is unreasonable of you.

Does your partner agree with all this?

Also she is not your MIL, she is your partner’s mother.

I also think yabu. Also with the holiday - you obviously stress her out and she needed some time without you hounding her for money.

You shouldn’t have been contacting her about this, that’s what her son should be doing.

You certainly shouldn’t be going no contact over this. How melodramatic!

Going NC is a massive overreaction. Just let your partner handle communication with his mother (not sure why you were the one messaging her to hassle her for money for your nursery bills - I certainly wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that!) and be polite and pleasant when you see her.

You are a cheeky pair. Stand on your own two feet and stop expecting handouts from a person you don't even like very much. And she isn't your mil as you aren't married to her son. More like she should have nothing to do with you. A person who pesters her for money when she is on holiday,

@insomniac1994 , I’m absolutely delighted that on this forum where mostly sympathy lies with the mummies (understandably ) those mummies have resoundingly told you that you are unreasonable. I’m a grandmother and mother in law and I have an absolutely glorious relationship with my DsIL. I already feel blessed with what beautiful, funny, caring and all round fabulous wives my boys picked. I’m so, so grateful that they didn’t pick someone like you.

A person who offered to lend some money when it was due, reneged, then sent abusive messages (to the OP, rather than her son, for some reason) when someone else stepped in?

She sounds awful.

What a needlessly horrible thing to say.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

My first thought when I read this is that maybe she felt a bit backed in to a corner where she felt she had to agree to help, but when she has had time to think about it she realises she can't really afford it. Or doesn't want to risk it - how can she be sure you will be able to pay her back if you already can't afford the nursery.

I would always like to know both sides before I reach a conclusion. The OP describes herself as a 'fantastic mum' but forgot to organise how to pay the childcare bills. As someone rightly pointed out MILS are very much mothers too. MN isn't just a 'safe space' for young mums. It describes itself as a website designed to Make parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support. Not just* for young mums but for parents. Advice for parents note, not just new born babes but children, tweens, teens and adult children.*
What MN is against is misogyny , the poster who claims that 80% of MNers hate their MILS ( or SILS, or Stepdaughters) is being sexist ( another thing that* MN is against).
There is so much good advice on MN and if a lot of posters are against your proposed actions, there may well be good reason and it is worth considering their advice.*

But then she just needs to be honest doesn't she, and stop making offers (first an offer to provide childcare, then an offer to pay for nursery) if she can't/won't make good on them.

And, if it was the case that she decided she could no longer afford it, why would she get angry about someone else stepping in?

Maybe she is worried that you won’t pay the money back? If you start paying her back for the first term then will you be able to also save for the next one, or will she have to bankroll that too?

Apologies, I will try again without the unhelpful formatting

I would always like to know both sides before I reach a conclusion. The OP describes herself as a 'fantastic mum' but forgot to organise how to pay the childcare bills. As someone rightly pointed out MILS are very much mothers too. MN isn't just a 'safe space' for young mums. It describes itself as a website designed to Make parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support. Not just for young mums but for parents. Advice for parents note, not just new born babes but children, tweens, teens and adult children.
What MN is against is misogyny , the poster who claims that 80% of MNers hate their MILS ( or SILS, or Stepdaughters) is being sexist ( another thing that MN is against).
There is so much good advice on MN and if a lot of posters are against your proposed actions, there may well be good reason and it is worth considering their advice.