Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

She didn't forget to sort payment for childcare fees.

She first relied on her MIL's offer to provide childcare, which MIL rescinded, and then on her offer to pay for childcare, which she then flaked on too.

Obviously it would be preferable if OP and her DP could pay for it themselves (and who knows, if MIL hadn't offered to provide childcare, maybe they could have saved) but MIL has messed them about then become abusive when they've received help from elsewhere instead.

I've never asked for money she's always offered.

How many times have you borrowed money from her OP? This could be part of the problem, you saying you can't ask your family for money because they are working class, yet you seem to think your MIL is a cash cow because she is middle class is really quite telling of your mindset.

two years into a relationship, I don't really understand why you are the one having these awkward interactions with your MIL anyway, it is 100% up to your fiance to ask for money and arrange payment plans with his mother, he's thrown you under the bus here.

It sounds to me like she was completely supportive in the beginning but has now backed off, there will be a reason for that and you would be very unreasonable to go no contact with her just because she isn't living up to your expectations as a cash machine.

I also completely understand why you're upset and it does seem as if she has gone out of her way to make it impossible for you to get this right. I would give yourself a period of time away from her and see if you can pick up contact at a distance when you feel ready.

I don't know why ou are getting so much flack on here!
I think if your MIL hadn't been in a position to help you pay the fees she shouldn't have offered to. And if she did want to pay the fees she should have been clear about how that was going to happen so that you didn't have to contact her on holiday about it.
And if she had changed her mind about helping with the fees she should not have got in a huff about someone else doing it.
Basically I do agree she has been a bit shady here. Either say yes or no,don't string someone along then get criss if they sort it out via another method.

The OP is getting funded hours in January, she needs help for the first term only.

If MIL couldn't afford to help then it makes even less sense for her to become abusive when another family member stepped in when she flaked on another one of her offers.

OP you need to do 2 things:

1. separate finances and family
2. stand on your own 2 feet financially and get a loan to cover nursery fees until the state hours kick in

You know she can't be relied on, so why not go back to Plan A when she wasn't forthcoming?

Surely you & your DH already had a plan when she offered as you were already pregnant.

Why go NC with her just because she isn't giving you the money.....

No family is perfect. She may be a people pleaser who felt she must offer despite not actually being able to afford it.

Forgive her, move on and learn from the experience.
Don't base your relationship on money.
Better to be on your own two feet as a couple as financial help usually comes with strings attached.

I've never asked her for money nor ever borrowed from her

I can understand why you are disappointed and why you asked your partners dad instead. You thought it was sorted and then realised it wasn’t and time was running out. I do understand your frustration.

However you aren’t coming across well. You said you have “become a fantastic mum” and that your mother in law isn’t proud of your child. First point is incredibly arrogant and boastful, second point is ridiculous - why would she be proud of a 9 month old? What has the baby actually done?!

You sound very entitled and high maintenance. Not even family are interested in constant social media posts of your child. If this is the way you are coming across to your mother in law then I can see why she asked to be left in peace on her holiday!

There’s no way you should go NC on this. Your mother in law may not be perfect, but neither are you

Yes that is my reading of the OP. I think universally anyone would be pissed off with the MiL’s flakiness in those circumstances.

MN does have a very harsh, cold edge to people looking for outside support for pretty normal stuff for many family set ups. It has always puzzled me but then every one is different I guess.

DH and I had to pay for our own childcare as did many of our peers so it was pretty normal but others had grandparents, relatives or SAHP set ups also pretty normal.

I've never asked her for money nor ever borrowed from her

But you say she's always offered to give you money.. so why has she offered to give you money if no one has asked for it?

As Michelle Obama famously said, 'when others go low, we go high'.
Be charitable and kind and expect nothing. Then you can't be disappointed. Your relationship will greatly improve

I feel for you OP. As somebody with MIL issues also, it is hard. We went no contact and are so much better off for it.
Only you can make that decision.
On Mumsnet, you can give the most incriminating testimonies against whoever you're posting about, and give the most amount of detail as to why you're doing/ not doing something.. and the Mumsnet squad will still always find a way to make you out to be the bad guy somehow.

Thank you! Someone who understands.
The amount of nasty assumptions people have made has not helped at all.
I've never been in such a judgemental space ever

What an unpleasant thing to say wrapped up in your smug little stealth boast.

There are other parts of this site that are helpful, but AIBU is not a place to come for support - there's a large cohort who just seem to come on here to be nasty.

Wow.

So you @CraftyPlumViewer even know what other posters are thinking now ?

What a skill you have.

OP, you've left out the part where you fell out with MIL towards the end of your pregnancy and they haven't been the same with you since, all the offers of help seems to have come when you were on good terms with them, and have since not materialised after you fell out with her, even though you say you made up shortly after.

To be honest OP, you don't have to like her or even get on with her much, but then you can't rely on them to help you out with childcare or childcare costs either, your previous post say that she was an absent mother for your fiance when he was growing up, so it tracks that she's not going to be a present grandmother either, her priorities obviously lie elsewhere.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture and adjust your expectations.. especially as you don't even seem to like her, if you cut her off because of petty squabbles and them backing out of a deal after you've told her what you thought of her, then you're really being unfair to your fiance, leave any money talk up to him, and try and stay neutral for everyone's sakes.

I just don't believe that someone can honestly think that a person making two offers, reneging on both, and sending abusive messages has done "nothing wrong".

@WhimsicalMoth
Why use MN if you have such a poor opinion of it? It is a parenting website for parents ( and non parents) everywhere. On the whole it does a great job. The OP chose to ask if she was being unreasonable, and enough posters think she is being unfair to perhaps make her stop and think twice about her proposed actions.
The moderators generally are quick to pick up personal attacks and discrimination aimed at specific groups. It should be applauded for not encouraging sexism, ageism, racism and discrimination against other groups with protected characteristics.

Maybe but I wouldn’t just cut out my future mother in law because of this situation. People aren’t perfect and while it didn’t go the way you wanted you may end up being very lonely and isolated if everyone doesn’t do exactly as you want. Plus the big point here is being a mom means putting your kids first and helping and supporting them to build a relationship with their grandmother not just because you don’t like her. Also, grandparents aren’t always social media addicts so not liking posts is a very childish thing to complain about and frankly not the measure of a healthy relationship. Basically it sounds like you are angry she won’t give you the money and now are piling on reasons to cut her off. You are being unreasonable but not for the reasons you think you are.

Thanks for this, it was interesting to read the other thread.

But yeah, if it's true that MIL walked out on her child when he was young, and has continued to be a massive flake (per OP's DP saying she always offers to help but then never follows through) it's madness to rely on her, OP. An absent and unreliable mother isn't likely to change her stripes, and it seems she has not.

I post a lot updates about her on social media for family

Really? You are exposing your child on Social Media??

Give her a chance to grow up normally!

She's given you money though. She's helped you out according to your previous post where you also said your family only live an hour further away than MIL does.

You fell out with her, she couldn't commit to childcare after baby was born because she is still working and if you only contacted her for money no wonder she wasn't nice about it.

How nasty!