Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

The only group usually to use the term 'mummies' is the misogynistic posters who use it to describe grown men who continue to have a relationship with their parents.
What is disappointing on this thread is the number of posters who are both ageist and sexist. The poster who complains about grandmothers and MILS posting. Do take it up with MN. They make it clear that MN is for all parents. There is no age limit .
New mothers are statistically much older. There are more babies born to the over forties than to women in their early twenties. I was watching the new David Mitchell drama,Ludwig. He and his wife ( Victoria Coren) have just had their first and second babies over the last two years at 50;and 52. Parents are older perhaps because it takes them longer to be financially secure enough to have children.
It is a shame that some posters use personal attacks on other posters and on specific groups instead of offering genuine advice.

Op, cutting her off is just too extreme. Childcare and nursery fees are something you should have planned for, I would be exasperated too. You sound very young, and maybe out of your depth a little.

With hindsight, perhaps her son should have been dealing with his mother over this? She has been very flaky tbh and I can see why you're upset over it. I'd get my partner to accept FIL's offer to pay (just stay out of it!) and then leave the dust to settle, let him rebuild a relationship with his mum and see where you fit in. Going NC is a bit immature and it's a hard position to come back from. Good luck.

I would like to hear MIL side of this

You sound very young and immature and using your child as a weapon because you can't get your own way, a bit sad and pathetic really.
Maybe you and your partner should grow up an little and start taking responsibility for your child.

She shouldn’t have offered to help with childcare then fees if she wasn’t ready to do it. I’d just accept that this isnt the type of support you can rely on her for, with lower/different expectations it will be easier to have a positive relationship with her. No contact is extreme, she’s someone you’re going to have in your life in one way or another for a long time.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable not to see her. She is not being kind, she is being passive aggressive. It sounds like there is more at play here, and I suspect she is jealous of you and the new baby. She might not know how to manage these feelings and they are coming across unpleasant. Avoid her now except for pleasantries and let the dust settle.

How is OP using her child as a weapon? She's said that if she goes no contact she wouldn't stop contact with her child.

If anything, MIL is using the child as a weapon by saying that she will not ever help with the child again, because she has thrown a tantrum over OP getting help from another family member after MIL offered to help and then later refused (twice).

Don’t apologise on behalf of other people. She asked for opinions and got them. That’s not judgement. Don’t ask a question if your not prepared to hear something you don’t like.

She shouldn't have offered if she was going to fuck about I might not go no contact over this but I would certainly dial down contact and definitely not rely on her again

Fwiw I had the same with ex mother promised to help me buy a pram I said let me know a budget because I have a specific one in mind (I have back issues so there was a type I didn't want because it aggravated my back) they bought me one they liked (the wrong one) so I bought my own which made her cry then she wanted to buy him his first cot made a huge fuss over it then when the time came she pulled out the newspaper and showed us some second hand ones WE could buy and we could ask her other son for help getting it home so again I bought my own when it came to babysitting it was the same drama so we stopped that too

we just ignored the grand gestures on the end they were meaningless

Just because people don't agree with you doesn't mean they're wrong. I've seen lots of nasty and judgemental things on mumsnet but the replies are largely neither.

This post 👆 illustrates everything people need to know if this is how you react when things don't go your way. Look at yourself and your reactions and conduct before judging others.

Sorry OP but think there is maybe a little more to this and sounds like maybe some back story that you have omitted.

Please DON’T cut your MIL off or do anything else hasty. This would be immature and selfish behaviour.

It sounds like you are perhaps quite young and maybe stressed and perhaps using your daughter (either knowingly or unknowingly as a bit of a pawn or prize) when it suits. It sounds like MIL has perhaps got your cards marked and quite rightly feels disappointed and upset and maybe that she is being used to fund nursery fees but otherwise you and your partner are not really interested in her and her feelings. It sounds like you are maybe shallowly parading your daughter on social media at your convenience when it suits but aren’t really considering MIL or other family members hence the game playing comment. Sorry OP but you are a parent now and you may have to grow up and take responsibility. If you can’t afford nursery cut your cloth accordingly by reducing your outgoings and possibly cutting your hours or quitting your job. It is jointly yours and your partners responsibility to either look after your daughter or source and fund childcare costs. Harsh as this may sound this is the reality now.

Also where are your family in all this and why are you the one taking the lead for commutation with your partners family.

Meant communication.

PS my own DM gave my DSIS lots of help and support with childcare and babysitting and I got absolutely zilch. She even told a friend of mine she would help me when I went back to work. We never assumed anything but after this comment I asked if she could cover half a day once a week short term until DS got nursery grant. But she took no time at all to tell me no. This was hard especially as she had done so much for DSIS but we choose to have DC as a couple without consulting family and had to accept it pay the money and take it on the chin.

Oh OP there is some awful shite on this thread. I'm sorry you've had to put up with many attempted character assassinations.

I'll try to be frank with you OP, AIBU is not the place for cuddles and reassurance. If you post here, be prepared for some harsh truths. But its like some people just don't bother to read the actual post, and just pick out MIL, Nursery fees and no contact and decide you are pond life. To these posters - she was promised help and it looks like help was withdrawn. Its not the same as being entitled and grabby.

My two pennies. As a pp said, ignore the social media stuff. Its childish. Drop it. Its facebook, insta or whatever. Leave that in year 10 where it belongs. You're a parent now and you need to be the adult in the world. Leave childish things behind.

The socket thing? Some parents are so touchy about anyone who dares question them. Think kindly of her on this and try to believe it is out of concern for her grandchild, not some hidden agenda to belittle you. She might have a point. As a parent I try to at least listen to what a grandparent or older relative says before completely dismissing it, especially if they brought up several heathy children themselves.

While a child and nursery fees are your responsibility, if someone tells you that they will help you financially, or similarly, provide child care, it is really poor form to back out at the last minute leaving you high and dry. You would have been in a far better situation if you were told you were getting sweet Family Adams from the outset rather than promised help which was reneged on. The MIL is clearly using the cover of the holiday to avoid the inevitable conversation where she goes back on her promise.

You are absolutely NBU to be extremely annoyed. Not at the fact that you're getting no help, its a bonus not an entitlement after all. But you have made plans, financially and career-wise based on what you were promised which you're having to rip up.

How you react now is your choice. Tempting as it may be to cut her off over this, I'd council against this, assuming that there are no further abuses. You will destroy your DP's relationship with her, and that will ultimately drive a wedge in your relationship with DP. You will also deprive your child of a relationship with a grandparent. No contact feels like a punishment to make you feel better, which would be wrong. Too many people are willing to destroy families.

As others have said, my advice would be to encourage your DP to have the communication with her, particularly around childcare and financial help (although by the sounds of it, I wouldn't hold your breath for any help at all).

Keep it civil, don't believe any promises until they are delivered and always have a plan B for when she lets you down.

So you're a believer that reneging on an agreement not once but twice and leaving the affected party high and dry is doing nothing wrong? Telling the affected party that when they are trying to sort something out and the only way to do that is to contact you, and you tell them not to is doing something wrong?

OP - you've had the rug pulled out from under you not once but twice now by the same person. They have shown by their actions (or in this case their inaction) that they cannot be trusted. They are not able to keep their end of the bargain. Their word is not good enough.

I would hand over all (and I mean all) communication with that side of the family to your fiance. Any family gatherings can include your fiance but not you and not your child for the time being. You want nothing to do with that side of the family for the time being. Get yourselves sorted (that means you, your fiance and your child) so that you can be a team in your own right. Then take on the world!

But you asked for people’s opinions!

You need to be looking at your situation properly.

You weren't with this man long before you fell pregnant and now here you are relying on his family to keep you afloat.

You are not married to him, you don't have a civil partnership or an agreement drawn up by a solicitor. He could bugger off tomorrow and then where will you be? On your arse.

It doesn't sound as if your boyfriend's family will gather around to help you-quite the opposite.

She is not your mother -in -law until the law has entered your relationship in some way. Don't refer to her as that because it could lull you into a sense of false security.

You seem in a vulnerable situation and you need to get that sorted.

Op, I get that it's not easy to plan out everything before you are pregnant and it seems like mil didn't make your planning any easier by going back on hwr word and then being seemingly difficult to communicate with. I also don't think any of this has got to do anything with how good a parent you are. Except that it probably won't be in the best interests of your child to throw away a relationship with hwr grandmother over nothing.

I do think you are being unreasonable to go no contact over this. It looks like mistakes have been made on both sides. You contacted her again rather than waiting till she returned as she asked you to. Dh shouldn't have agreed to anyone else paying before talking to his mum. You think how she behaves on social media is any indication at all to how she feels. It's not and you need to stop thinking it is. her mistake is to have been a bit flaky and to have not been more actively involved. However it's only been a few months. Give her more time and make it easy for her to be a part of her grandchild's life. For the sake of your child.

Anyway, yabu. Don't go no contact or threaten no contact over something so minor. It just makes you look grabby, selfish and unfair.

Congratulations on becoming a Mum . It’s hard , so many emotions and things to navigate.

Children thrive when they are part of a loving circle of support. Allowing your MIL to be part of that support is better for you all in the long term, especially as you don’t have family living close by.

It sounds as if you both could have handled things better.
Not everyone likes and interacts with social media, posting pictures of your baby in a public forum might be something she’s uncomfortable with.
Don’t be annoyed if someone does not press like every time you post .

Caring for a baby is hard work and very restrictive, I wonder if what your MIL interpreted as occasional help was interpreted by you and your Fiancé as a full time commitment. No matter how much you love your Grandchildren that’s a massive undertaking. I couldn’t do that.

From a personal point of view if I was on holiday I want to relax , not to have to think about money and bills. I would not appreciate numerous phone calls about something I had previous said I’d sort on my return.

Badgering someone is not cool!

I think you both could have handled things better. It’s always better to build bridges than smash them apart.

OP fell out with her mother in law towards the end of her pregnancy, there's another thread about it, she has neglected to mention that when painting the picture of her MIL being horrible to her.

The good relationship and offers of help were all made before the fall out, it was OP that fell out with her mother in law and hasn't really spoken to her since, MIL has since pulled back from the relationship, but OP seems to have assumed that MIL would still lend them money for childcare costs.. which has led to this thread.

It all makes sense in that context, but I'm not sure why OP is so annoyed about it to threaten to go NC, if you fall out with people it's pretty obvious you can't then rely on them to help you.

Why OP was the one going cap in hand to her MIL is beyond me though tbh, that should 100% have been her son's issue to deal with, especially knowing that OP and MIL have now got a fraught relationship.

@sandyhappypeople I haven't read the other thread but suppose you're right and the MIL decided to withdraw help following a falling out months ago, why would she not have communicated that?

If my mother made a financial commitment to my child (that would be paid back) she would not withdraw that support from my child to spite me if we fell out. She would never do anything that negatively impacts on her grandchild. She certainly wouldn't weaponise her grandchild to hurt me. Do you think that's an act of a loving grandparent?

Thanks. I read the other post and it's still doesn't justify MILs behaviour.

Also if MILs position is she shouldn't have expected any help after fell out why was she upset when her fiances father paid?

MIL promised to help pay for the nursery and agreed that OP reached out when the invoice was ready to be paid, for her to then respond with "don't contact me for the next few weeks" is just rubbish. If she wasn't going to pay then she should have said so not tell OP off for contacting her on vacation and how OP should not contact her for a few weeks.

Actually MILs response and behaviour lends more credence to OPs other post that they fell out because she was so overbearing and critical of how OP was parenting. MILs response is the response of someone on a power trip and controlling. You need my money so you will dance to my tune. Then she gets upset when she finds out they got the money from someone else with her message "why am I hearing someone else has paid".

If MIL really cared for her grandchild and wanted to help she would take the few minutes from her precious vacation to sort it out.

I also agree with people who said OPs fiancee should have been the one reaching out to her for the money not OP.

I get you OP. It sounds like your MIL went back on her promise and is now trying to make you the bad guy for making alternative arrangements.

The cheek of her! I don't understand her end game here. If she'd changed her mind or could no longer afford it, why not tell you? Why keep you waiting, keep the nursery waiting for their money? A power thing? I don't get it.

Perhaps she's embarrassed that your fil has stepped in.

I'm not sure I'd cut her off exactly, but I wouldn't trust her again and to be honest, would be reluctant to go out of my way to help her in future.

Your husband can be in charge of sending photos and making arrangements to see children, for birthdays/Christmas etc. She is HIS mother after all. You organise for your side of the family and he can do the same for his.

Making out I should have been more prepared financially etc and because I couldn't automatically pay for nursery that it makes me an awful Mum. Be happy you have the luxury to pay for your child's nursery fees without help. Not all of us are privileged in that way

No-one is suggesting you are an awful Mum. I doubt, even on MN, many people can easily pay Nursery fees, but what adults do is make whatever compromises they have to make, to be able to afford to be parents.
For some that is taking a shorter maternity leave, for many that is putting off becoming pregnant until such a time as they can get enough savings behind them.
Absolutely your MiL shouldn't have offered something then withdrawn that offer - but, from what I'm picking up, she does have a history of letting her son down, or being unreliable and that should have been taken into account, even before the falling out after the initial honeymoon phase.

What people are answering, is your question about 'cutting her off' - which is immature and sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Absolutely.

AIBU is there so people can - literally - ask if they are being unreasonable.
It is there for honest opinions.

This is not a 'hun' site, it is an honest, robust discussion board for all people to be able to answer the question.

Answering the question by telling the OP they are indeed, being unreasonable does not mean people are being nasty, it means they are being honest.
By starting a thread on this board, you are literally asking people to give you their opinion.

An update for people on the situation. My fiance and I have tried to sort things out with her. My fiance works at her business and she has now threatened to sack him. She's shown her true colours.