Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

Forget the social media stuff, it’s not really important. If you are about to go back to work, I understand you’d be getting very anxious about the child care situation, and why you’d be looking for other solutions. I’m presuming that your partner’s parents are no longer together and this may account for her reaction. Honestly, I’d suggest letting your partner interact with his mother. You can be low contact. I think cutting off is extreme, particularly as your child will still see her. She has shown by her actions that she’s not reliable in following through with promises. So, accept what she’s ‘telling’ you. Focus on your small family. Offer of money - “thanks Vera, we’re fine”. Offer babysitting - “thanks Vera, we’re not planning any outings imminently’. Try to be non-emotional and to be independent.

It sounds as if you weren't in contact with her and then you only contacted her when you wanted money?

There was a period of time where she was supportive, why do you think that stopped?

This is the best advice of the thread.

And yes, based on your other thread -.and how she walked out on her own child, and you and your DP were hoping she'd be a better grandmother than mother - I would give up on that fantasy. If she wants to have some involvement from time to time, fine, but neither you, nor your DP or DC should rely on her. You'd be doing your child a disservice to encourage a close relationship with someone who's going to let her down.

You're being very unfair. She is not cutting her off for not giving her money she is cutting her off for the way she reacted and responded to OP while using it as an excuse to back off helping as promised.

The payment for the nursery was due and her response for OP not to contact her for weeks is bullshit. Somehow she doesn't have network to respond for the payment but she has network to find out someone else is paying and then send angry messages right? What vacation is she on that she can't be contacted for weeks?? Climbing up to Everest????

The invoice was due and she said they should contact her when it was due then she responds with don't contact me for a few weeks, what did she expect them to do? Pull the child out of nursery until she returns from vacation or beg the nursery to wait for the payment until grabby returns from vacation in a few weeks?

Add to that the history of promising the backing off.

OP should let her son deal with her going forward, frankly her son should have been the one sending her the invoice etc not OP.

Ok so why promise to help if she isn't a bank? For OP force her to commit to helping? If she can't afford it anymore then so say so instead of claiming you can't be reached for weeks on vacation then getting upset when they turn to someone else to help them.

And this shows MILs word cannot be trusted, so OP should lower expectations and expect nothing from her or ask for any help.

I do agree with the poster who said people throw cutting off x and y around so easily now. I wouldn't cut her off but as I said lower expectations and he civil with her, you don't have to be beet friends. If you don't expect anything from her she can't upset you by disappointing you.

If she has changed her mind then why is she upset they turned to someone else to help? She is upset that she found out someone else is borrowing them the money, doesn't add up.

You sound like a horrible person. WTF has she done to warrant the MIL getting so upset and sending those messages?

Let me summarize it for you since you're unable to to comprehend and apply common sense.

She is expecting funded hours which will lower their nursery costs and make it more affordable for them but it will not come until January so they need help until then. MIL offers to help with the baby then changes her mind, fine.

MIL then offers to borrow them money to pay for nursery until January when the funded hours kicks in which is great, agreement was let me know when it's time to pay.

Time to pay OP reaches out to MIL and she responds with "I'm on vacation don't reach out to me for the next few weeks" stupid response because I have no idea what vacation you're on for weeks that you can't be reached but ok.

OP has to scramble to find another option and they reach out to her partners father who borrowed them the money to pay for the nursery. All good right? Noooo

MIL finds out someone else has paid and throws a stupid tantrum. This is from the same person who claimed she has no network for weeks so don't contact me but somehow she was able to find out someon else had paid and had network to send all her horrible messages 😆. It looks like MIL is upset it's her ex husband who helped, I don't know the history there right that is MILs problem not OP.

And you're trying to justify it. What was OP to do, pull her daughter from nursery because dear MIL was on her no contact vacation???? The nursery bill was due so please tell us what she should have done aside from finding someone else to help?

I'm definitely grateful not to have horrible MIL like you. What a despicable horrible thing to say.

Genuinely how you cannot understand how wrong you are?

even more so, when everyone has commented that you are being unreasonable (the question YOU asked) you are fighting back, being dismissive and claiming unfairness.

Utterly crazy.

No wonder MIL has pulled away.

Please explain what OP did wrong?

Excellent advice.

I would imagine that most people on this forum are older than 10 - why on earth are you referring to them as 'mummies'?

I completely disagree with the majority of posters on this thread.
Your MIL should never have offered childcare then taken ir back.
She then should never have offered financial help and effectively rescinded the offer (the no talking on holiday is rubbish).

She sounds manipulative and horrible.

But your partner should have been the one to contact her, rather than you To ask. It might have avoided her attitude.

Of course ideally you'd be financially independent but so many mumsnetters criticising you had family help for uni fees, house deposits and goodness knows what else. They also would have been in a pickle if half way through their course their dad stopped paying.

I will say people have commented and gave sound advice. I shouldn't have put trust into someone who has took back promises. It was my fault to believe it. I understand.

What I'm not tolerating is some of you nasty individuals who have made disparaging comments about how I am as a mother. Making out I should have been more prepared financially etc and because I couldn't automatically pay for nursery that it makes me an awful Mum. Be happy you have the luxury to pay for your child's nursery fees without help. Not all of us are privileged in that way. But I am not going to tolerate being called a bad Mum. I worked above and beyond during pregnancy and saved up money for my little girl. Every penny I have goes to her! Some of the remarks I've received is disgusting.

Honestly op you would've been better putting this into Relationships instead of AIBU. People often just pile in with aggressive attacks just for the sake of it on AIBU.

Try not to let the nasty comments get to you, they are designed to hurt you, nothing else.

I think your MIL has behaved terribly. Going forward I wouldn't necessarily cut contact just yet though. I'd let your partner deal with her and see how that works out. Be pleasant if you see her but I wouldn't trust any further offers of help she can't be trusted can she.

You're doing ok op and sound like a lovely mum.

I’d guess you were panicking (as we all would be) about the bills and so wanted her to sort it as she said she would but from her point of view you going to his dad probably seemed insulting but saying that I think if she said she was going to help she should have either helped or said ‘look actually I promised too much’. Nc seems very over the top to ge honest thought, people argue, people are passive aggressive at times, or don’t step up when they should etc etc, cutting her out for those reasons seems like too much

Which part of mil is on holiday don't you understand? Yet you continue to send begging messages.
And then switch to someone else.
Your problem sorting your childcare is only yours.

Hmm. I'd like to hear MIL's version tbh. You do sound a bit immature and entitled.

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all or immature (don't know why other posters have said that ... Bizarre)

I'd be the exact same. She sounds like a nightmare. Why would you want someone in your life giving you empty promises, exhausting!

Heh, you asked for opinions.
Now we are giving them, we're not supporting you??
What do you what, honest opinions or just us saying, yay go you!

Yeah I think you're in the wrong. I thi k this whole ' cutting contact' is a trend that's just immature.
She isn't abusive, she's on holiday and your just being shirty because she's not giving you money.

It's really sad how kids grow up without extended family because their parents are too immature to have conversations.

Oh dear, the entitled grandma and MIL contingent have piled on already.
@insomniac1994 Of course YANBU. She can’t make promises to you which you rely on and plan around and then refuse to arrange with you at the 11th hour. She certainly has no right to get pissy with you for making alternative arrangements. She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. I wouldn’t want anything to do with her either.

YANBU

Yep .

I actually shuddered when I read the word ‘mummies’ 🤣. Especially from someone old enough to be a grandmother. Yuk.

Be happy you have the luxury to pay for your child's nursery fees without help. Not all of us are privileged in that way

I wouldn't have had my kids if i couldn't afford to do so. It's really that simple. Never, ever rely financially on anyone other than the child's parents to pay for them. Just my view.

It all seems a bit dramatic.
I'm not sure id be happy if the oy time you contacted me was to ask for money. Also posting all over social media rather than sending her pictures may be a bit tacky.

Relationships need to be cultivated not just expected.

Also if you can't afford nursery fees you can't afford to get married so maybe he's just your boyfriend.